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1
Conan's First Tweet
"Today I interviewed a squirrel in my backyard and then threw to commercial. Somebody help me."
Clearly, Conan struggled with having way, way too much time on his hands. Old habits are hard to break.
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2
On Starbucks
"Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!"
Great idea. Companies aren't immune from being the butt of Conan's monologue jokes - not even Starbucks.
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3
On Goals
"I just want to say to the kids out there watching: You can do anything you want in life. Unless Jay Leno wants to do it too."
And if Jay Leno wants to do it too, you're SOL. Unless you're Conan - then you just move to cable, keep being witty, and beat the crap out of Leno in the ratings.
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4
On Glenn Beck
"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far."
Conan never, ever, misses an opportunity to skewer public figures - and he does it with intelligence and humor, a rare combination.
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5
On Re-Invention
"It is our failure to become our perceived ideal that ultimately defines us and makes us unique. It's not easy, but if you accept your misfortune and handle it right your perceived failure can become a catalyst for profound re-invention."
Is there any doubt that Conan handled his own misfortune in the best possible way?
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6
On Scientology
"The other day, New York City Mayor Mike Bloomberg criticized the Church of Scientology, saying the religion doesn't make sense. In response, a furious Tom Cruise said, 'Cupcakes, Zipper, Armadillo."
Lots of jokes about Scientology, but few as funny as Conan's.
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7
'Tonight' Show Goodbye
"Before we end this rodeo, a few things need to be said. There has been a lot of speculation in the press about what I legally can and can't say about NBC. To set the record straight, tonight I am allowed to say anything I want. And what I want to say is this: between my time at Saturday Night Live, the Late Night show, and my brief run here on The Tonight Show, I have worked with NBC for over twenty years."
"Yes, we have our differences right now and yes, we're going to go our separate ways. But this company has been my home for most of my adult life. I am enormously proud of the work we have done together, and I want to thank NBC for making it all possible."
Leave it to Conan to go out classy. Really classy. This is his final goodbye on the last 'Tonight' show.
"Walking away from The Tonight Show is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Making this choice has been enormously difficult. This is the best job in the world, I absolutely love doing it, and I have the best staff and crew in the history of the medium. But despite this sense of loss, I really feel this should be a happy moment. Every comedian dreams of hosting The Tonight Show and, for seven months, I got to. I did it my way, with people I love, and I do not regret a second. I've had more good fortune than anyone I know and if our next gig is doing a show in a 7-Eleven parking lot, we'll find a way to make it fun."
"And finally, I have to say something to our fans. The massive outpouring of support and passion from so many people has been overwhelming. The rallies, the signs, all the goofy, outrageous creativity on the internet, and the fact that people have traveled long distances and camped out all night in the pouring rain to be in our audience, made a sad situation joyous and inspirational."
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8
Conan O'Brien Can't Stop
"I walked away from the greatest franchise in history, because I refused to go on at midnight. Here I am, on at midnight."
'Conan O'Brien Can't Stop' is a documentary that chronicles O'Brien's departure from NBC and the time he spent on his "Legally Prohibited From Being Funny on Television Tour" - before his show began on TBS.
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9
On George W. Bush
"After hearing the president's speech, Democrats in the Senate are seeking bipartisan support for a non-binding resolution opposing President Bush's deployment of his military escalation. In response, President Bush said, 'Huh?"
President Bush was a frequent target of Conan O'Brien's jokes. This particular quote, from 'Late Night with Conan O'Brien,' is a classic example.
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10
On Dick Cheney
"Former Vice President Dick Cheney has signed a publishing deal to write his memoirs. I don't want to spoil anything, but it ends with him killing Obi-Wan Kenobi."
Dick Cheney was a frequent target of Conan O'Brien's jokes and quotes during his NBC days.
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11
Basic Cable Dream
"I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46."
This clever crack was made during Conan's opening monologue on his new TBS show, 'Conan.'
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12
On Disappointment
"I told graduates to not be afraid to fail, and I still believe that. But today I tell you that whether you fear it or not, disappointment will come. The beauty is that through disappointment you can gain clarity, and with clarity comes conviction and true originality."
Conan O'Brien delivered the commencement address at Dartmouth on June 12, 2011. He offered graduates truly insightful advice, drawing, of course, on his own experiences.
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13
Amazing Things Will Happen
"To all the people watching, I can never thank you enough for your kindness to me and I'll think about it for the rest of my life. All I ask of you is one thing: please don't be cynical. I hate cynicism — it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere."
"Nobody in life gets exactly what they thought they were going to get. But if you work really hard and you're kind, amazing things will happen."
Conan O'Brien has never been more correct. About anything.
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14
On Delusion
"When all else fails, there's always delusion."
He's right. Delusion can be very useful.
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15
Conan on TBS
"It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding. So that’s why I left NBC."
Conan O'Brien did address the NBC situation during his first monologue on TBS' 'Conan.' Never miss an opportunity to get in a few zingers!
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16
On Comedy
"My favorite comedy is comedy where nothing is achieved and there is no point."
And that, Conan O'Brien, is why we are Team Coco!
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17
On Chernobyl
"Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real."
Disasters, natural or otherwise, are not immune from Conan's humor.
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18
On Verbal Skills
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh."
This is just one classic example of a great Conan quote from his NBC days.
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19
Worst Fear Realized
"There is nothing more liberating than having your worst fear realized."
This quote came when Conan O'Brien spoke to 2011 graduates of Dartmouth. The commencement address he delivered is a true classic!
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20
Opening In A Ghost Town
"Should I be worried that were opening in a town where nobody lives?"
Oh Conan. You know better than that! Your legions of Team Coco fans turned out in droves to see you...
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