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TRENDING Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.

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Her body looks like a potato with little skinny chopstick legs shoved up the bottom and her many many potted plants are all over the courtyard... What wondrous interests and activities of hers will be keeping me awake tonight?
Her Accordion is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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1

Her Accordion


Yes the constant breathy reverberations of the piano bag haunt my steps but usually just for 3-4 hours after dinner every night.

I sometimes have to spin the annoyance positively for guests as I encourage them to imagine we're trapped inside a Fellini film.
Feeding her Cats is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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2

Feeding her Cats


I'm not sure why she throws their food up into the air kamikaze style but its probably because she loves watching them chase it around her hardwood floors while she eats desert and drinks Yakult.

"Oh you should try Yakult Laurence its sooo good."

Okay I love it. Are you happy now? Its delicious, alright, fine, so what.
Entertaining Strange Men is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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3

Entertaining Strange Men


So you're either murdering someone on a jet ski or having sex on a water bed while you watch NASCAR.

No really thats great we love the smell of cigars, cigarettes and don't mind your bathtub overflowing into our kitchen.
Watching Jeopardy is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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4

Watching Jeopardy


Just try and think of it as free night school.

Did you know the Bering Strait is known to natives as "Imakpik"

Masterb@$%ing is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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5

Masterb@$%ing


So you can sit on your Dremel strapped to a cushion - - why go on screaming about it?

Yes, we can hear every echoing mechanical whir and gravely sinful moan but fortunately only in our hallway right by the living room archway.

I wish people handled excitement more... modestly. Like... writing about it.
Her Typewriter is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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6

Her Typewriter


I was being facetious. I actually think its best to keep things to yourself, and if you can't... then use a computer or pen and paper NOT some electric hammering-stamping typewriter from 1925.

Yes I'm impressed they don't make ink spools for it anymore and I can appreciate your stock pile of 2,000 ribbons and that it once saved your life by stopping a bullet that came in through your wall from the parkway but please the oldest form of communication we allow use of this century should be the telephone or semaphore flag signalling.
Talking on the Telephone is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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7

Talking on the Telephone


For F&%#S sake SHUT THE F&%# UP!

TELL THEM WHEN YOU SEE THEM!!!

SHUT UP AND GO TO BED!
Coal Space Heater is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list Things I Can Really Hear my Neighbor Evelyn Doing.
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8

Coal Space Heater


Listen, just because the things got a flame in it doesn't mean you can stick anything combustible inside to keep it burning. Using Kingsford everyday is adding years to your facial pallor and pounds of soot to your lungs but so long as you can sweat and jazzercise to Regis's workout regimen you don't care.

So what if my apartment smells like Chili's burned down by a wig factory.

And no, catfood is NOT an acceptable alternative fuel.