- 1+ 24- 2
I Do Want to Kill Youv
Debbie: "Why do we fight?"
Pete: "I don't know. It makes no sense at all."
Debbie: "It makes no sense."
Pete: "You get so mad at me. I feel like you want to kill me."
Debbie: "I do want to kill you."
Pete: "How would you do it?"
Debbie: "I don't know. I'd poison you. I'd poison your cupcakes that you pretend not to eat everyday and just put like enough in to just slowly weaken you."
Pete: "I love it"
Debbie: "I'd enjoy our last few months together."
Pete: "Me too"
Debbie: "Cause you'd be so weak and sweet and I could take care of you but while killing you."
Pete: "See, you know what I love about us? You can still surprise me. I figured for sure you'd knock me out with one fell swoop. You'd poison me. You'd extend it over a series of months."
Debbie: "Have you ever thought about killing me?"
Pete: "Oh yeah"
Debbie: "How would you do it?"
Pete: "A wood chipper"
Debbie: "A wood chipper?"
Debbie: "A wood chipper?"
Pete: "I know. Did you see Fargo?"
Despite subject matter including poison cupcakes and death via wood chipper this pillow talk between Pete and Debbie is actually kind of sweet.
- 2+ 16- 1
The Do Better Listv
Debbie: "We're going to blink and be 90. We have to make a choice to do things different. I've made a list. It's the do better list. We're 40 years old, if we don't do something now, when are we going to do it? Your eyes are kind of glazing over."
Pete: "No, I'm just processing it all."
Debbie: "We have to exercise everyday. We have to get more involved in school. We have to have more patience with the kids. We're in it together, we're a team. We have to get happy!"
When Debbie realizes that she and Pete are getting older, she strives to make the next chapter of their lives happier. While Pete is tuning her our, she talks of getting healthier and, perhaps more importantly, happier.
- 3+ 27- 5
When You Corner a Ratv
Catherine: "Their daughter told my son that he looked like Tom Petty and in a negative way."
Pete: "Who's Tom Petty?"
Catherine: "You know who Tom Petty is!"
Ms. Laviati: "Catherine, control yourself"
Catherine: "This is what happens when you corner a rat! I'll chew through you!"
When kids act up, the mama grizzly bear side rears its ugly head and that's exactly what is happening when Pete and Debbie meet with fellow parent Catherine at school following an incident between their children.
- 4+ 6- 0
38 and Not 40
- 5+ 13- 3
I Lie About My Age, OK?!v
Nurse: "On your form it said you were born in 1974 but your paper, it said 72."
Debbie: "It's 1974"
Gyno Nurse: "Oh wait, on your last form you said that you were born in 1975."
Debbie: "I lie about my age, OK?!"
Dr. Pellegrino: "OK"
Dr. Pellegrino: "OK"
Dr. Pellegrino: "I know know how old you are, by counting the rings."
What's more awkward than going to the gyno for your yearly exam? Being bombarded about questions as to why the dates of birth on your forms don't match. Thankfully the doctor was there for some comic relief.
- 6+ 10- 3
Separated by Something Biggerv
Pete: "This sounds horrible but do you ever wonder what it would be like if you and your wife were separated by something bigger, like her death?"
Barry: "I have given that a fair amount of thought."
Pete: "Not any painful way but just like a gentle floating off."
Barry: "It's gotta be peaceful, I mean, this is the mother of your children."
Pete: "Then the new wife would be great!"
Barry: "God, I can't wait to meet my second wife. I hope she likes me better than this one."
It shouldn't be surprising that men think about what their lives would be like if their wife was out of the picture but it is comforting to know that they are not planning some violent death scene to accomplish that.
- 7+ 6- 1
You Touched My Nipple!
Pete: "Your son said some offensive things about my daughter."
Catherine: "Oh really? You better get her meds right."
Pete: "Excuse me? Your kid is an animal. He insults my daughter again he'll be so sorry!"
Catherine: "You touched my nipple!"
Pete: "I got right below your shoulder!"
Catherine: "I have very high nipples."
When Pete points at Catherine to make a point, he was not by any means prepared for the response he'd get. Let's just say not everyone has nipples in the same spots.
- 8+ 7- 3
Debbie: "Daddy and I are making some changes. We have decided to cut back on all the electronics we use."
Pete: "You're on the computer too much."
Debbie: "You don't spend enough time with the family."
Sadie: "You can't take away the wifi!!!"
Pete: "You're on the computer too much. You need to get outside more."
Debbie: "You can built a fort!"
Sadie: "And do what in a fort?!"
Debbie: "You need to develop your imagination! You don't need technology!"
Charlotte: "No technology!"
Debbie: "Charlotte, put that down."
Pete and Debbie don't mean to intentionally punish the girls by limiting the wifi, they just want to get the girls to enjoy childhood like they did, simply.
- 9+ 4- 1
Debbie: "You've been in here for like 35 minutes."
Pete: "Stop treating me like a child!"
Debbie thinks that Pete is avoiding her by hiding in the bathroom. Clearly going eight times in one day, including for 35 minutes at a time, isn't a dead giveaway, now is it?
- 10+ 4- 1
- 11+ 4- 2
Harder, Much Harderv
Pete: "Did you ever think marriage would get easier?"
Barry: "No it gets harder, much harder."
As Pete and Barry reflect on marriage, Barry mentions the sad truth that unlike a fine wine, marriage does not in fact get better, or easier rather, with age.
- 12+ 2- 1
The Girl Who Works for Debbiev
Barry: "So that's the girl who works… that's the girl who works for you?"
Pete: "Yeah, that's her."
Barry: "That works for Debbie… Seems nice. Yeah, my wife would never let me have a hot employee like that."
Barry: "Every woman who works for us looks like they've been in some horrible accident."
Barb: "Are you comfortable with her around your husband?"
Debbie: "Oh, he wouldn't know what to do with that."
Barry: "You think our wives are looking at us right now?"
Pete: "Oh, definitely"
Debbie: "They look like pedophiles."
Viewers get to see both sides of the same conversation, one from the men who woo over the attractive, young girl who works for Debbie and the other from the women who are watching their every move.
L The List