Son Stabs His Mother Because She Didn't Bring Home a Cheeseburger
Yes, this really happened. Watch the news report to your left.
First of all, Aaron Dean gives pot heads everywhere a bad name.
According to the Fox Toldeo news, Dean stabbed his mother at their Westbank apartment... because he spent all his money on weed and didn't have enough left to satisfy his munchies. When she returned home, with a Rally burger (for herself), he pulled a knife on her, and commented that if he couldn't have a burger...SHE COULDN'T EITHER!
Dean is facing a felony assault charge for the stabbing, but did manage to call his mother to post bail. Yes, the same mother whom he stabbed for not bringing him a cheeseburger.
No word yet from authorities on whether or not she actually brought a cheeseburger with her to prison.
Aaron's mother says that she just won't feel sorry for him any more "gurrrrrrrrrrrrl."
What makes it worse is this reporter from Fox Toldeo News, Barrett Andrews, has a fatty headline that shows the company name, and, in big letters, that the incident was a "burger-related" stabbing. The beginning of the video is also terrible...in a good way...because it shows two reporters, Laura Emerson, and Shaun Hegarty, standing in the news room, and on the screen above them a big fatter picture of a burger with the headline "BURGER STABBING" plastered right above it.
Oklahoma Women Arrested For Shoplifting by Hiding Merchandise in Their Fat Rolls
This is almost worse than the whole Winona Ryder thing... almost (because Winona was insanely rich, so she had less of an excuse.) At least she had an acting career to fall back on at the time (kind of.)
Ailene B. Brown and Shmeco Vashon Thomas hid nearly $2,600 worth of TJ MAxx merchandise in their fat rolls, under their bitches and in their purses (which if you've ever been to TJ Maxx is a LOT for any other store.) The items included three pairs of jeans, four pairs of boots, a wallet, and some gloves.
Though, if you can manage to hide jeans under your boob fat, rock on. Of course, the Edmond police department didn't take as kindly to the ingenious plan, and the women were jailed and charged with felony shoplifting (which is just stealing enough in dollars to warrant a felony.)
Seriously, though, if these two were fat enough to steal THAT much money in their rolls of fat, didn't they kind of deserve to keep it? I think they did. Although it kind of makes you realize where Jabba the Hut probably kept all HIS fortune.
400 LB. Woman Fails Shoplifting Attempt Because of the Weight on Her Motorized Scooter
Jerrie Perkins of Pontiac Michigan was innocently shopping at the Rochester Road Meijer, and attempted to drive out the door with nearly $600 worth of merchandise in her Rascal Scooter.
After the store anti-theft alarm went ballistic, Meijer employees approached her asking for a receipt for the items.
Naturally, her response was to shove the loss prevention officer the F*CK out of her way and punch her in the face. Did I mention that this woman is 5 foot 2 AND 400 pounds? And that the reason she got caught is because her Rascal Scooter couldn't move farther than the metal ramp in between the doors?
Eventually, a sheriff's deputy arrived and asked Perkins to put her hands behind her back, you know, so he could arrest her and stuff (they got her hands as far back as they would go.)
According to a press release from the Sheriff's Office, she cursed at the deputy, balled her right hand into a fist and took a fighting stance (best Marvel vs. Capcom character EVER.)
The deputy then tasered Perkins, naturally. He finally was able to cart her off to jail, Hannibal Lechter style (only instead of being deathly dangerous, she was just too fat to walk herself in.)
Perkins, 30, has been charged with unarmed robbery, resisting and obstructing a police officer and second-degree retail fraud. Perhaps poor quality food in prison will encourage her to lose weight, though, which is the one shining oasis of positivity in this entire story.
... Other than a fat woman not being able to drive herself through a Walmart door because she was too fat and was stealing too much crap, of course.
This Woman is Caught Stealing a VCR in 2007. In 2007. A VCR.
This video really speaks for itself, but it speaks volumes. Posted in 2007, but ostensibly filmed before that (for the sake of society I hope that it was filmed before that), a woman decides that she's going to get the 5 finger discount on her VCR.
She is heavy-set, so she belongs on this list. The greatest part is that no matter what you're doing or how you're doing it, and no matter how many Ocean's movies you've seen, shoplifting/stealing is never a glamorous process when it comes down to the actual deed.
The woman in this 12 second video is proof of this.
Watch the video to find out where she hides it.
God Bless America.
300 Pound Woman Sits on Boyfriend, Kills Him
Mia Landingham, a Cleveland native, had been drinking all day when she punched her boyfriend in the face and sat on him while he was down. This seems like a normal Sumo move that would put down any man looking to bring down a woman her size. She had apparently won the day. Except that she was a little heavier than she gave herself credit for.
At the time of the incident, Landingham (the woman with the deadly, towel-like lower-region, weighed over 300 pounds, and the boyfriend barely 120 pounds. He died of asphyxiation during the incident and she pleaded guilty to involuntary manslaughter and is now serving three years probation.
The couple had three children together.
600 LB Man is Too Fat for Prison
The 600 pound Florida native, George Jolicoeur, 38, was charged with five counts of petty theft, including a false claim that a $50 order of beef jerky from Seven Eleven was moldly (moly jerky? C'mon, guy...)
Jolicoeur (and yes, his name really does have the word "jolly" in it) has a history of scamming restaurants, convenience stores, and food delivery services -- most likely by keeping the delivery trucks busy while he eats the content of the trucks themselves.
At the time of the charges, Jolicoeur was hospitalized and then transferred to a nursing home, breathed through a respirator and was deemed "too fat" for jail. So if you're goin' nuts on committing heinous crimes, now you know that getting this fat is your real-life equivalent of pretending to have flat feet to get out of the military.
The Seminole County Sheriff's Office decided not to pay for Jolicoeur's transport to the court house, as well as the medical bills he would incur in jail, meaning that the guy was being forced to pay for how fat he was.
And Joliceur pleaded "no contest" to all five counts -- most likely because he had a meal somewhere getting cold (under his third right lateral flap.)
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