Exotic Animal Owner Found Dead, Chained to Bed
Sam Mazzola made headlines this year when, after his death, his personal zoo of exotic animals (including, but not limited to, 1 lion, and 4 tigers and 4 bears... must...resist...urge...) broke free and terrorized the good people of Ohio. Seeing the animals put down by local police caused activist and internet outrage, as well as provided us with some of the saddest pictures of the year. The animals were just actually out exploring, but literal lions, tigers and bears roaming through streets would cause the kind of panic and potential death that you could usually only find in the fun-filled action-packed 1995 thrillride Jumanji.
Aside from all that... What's more interesting than a man who keeps a pack of 20 wolves for pets? A man who keeps a pack of 20 wolves for pets, and then dies of autoerotic asphyxiation.
Mazzola was found chained, face down in his bedroom with a mask on and an object in his mouth. Sadly, the object got lodged down his throat and obstructed his ability to breathe, leading to his demise. No one was with him, so it is unknown if he had a partner participating in these antics, or if it was all his own. Locks, keys and other bondage-related objects were also found about him.
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Motorcyclist Dies Due to Head Trauma in Anti-Helmet Law Ride
Winning the most ironic death of the year is Philip A. Contos, a 55-year-old who had been an active motorcyclist for over 30 years.
Every year since 2000, American Bikers Aimed Towards Education (ABATE) hold their 30 mile ride from Syracuse to Lake Como in New York, to raise awareness against helmet safety laws in America. Although the group supports helmet wearing, they believe it should be every rider's decision, ultimately, and not a matter of the state. This year, Philip A. Contos joined the ride, riding a 1983 Harley Davidson without a helmet.
As the group made it through Onondaga, Contos lost control of the bike, causing it to fishtail and him to go over the handlebars. Contos suffered a blow to the head, which killed him instantly. None of the other riders were involved in the accident, and investigators strongly believe that if he had worn a helmet, he'd still be alive.
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Woman Dies of Allergic Reaction to Having Sex with a Dog
One day, a woman decided to join a beastiality chatroom, like ya do, and in doing so met a German man with a German Shepherd dog, who were both very enthusiastic about having sex with the 43 year-old mother of three.
So, you know, if you're looking to join a beastiality community, that's what you want. Mission accomplished.
After they met up the faithful, obedient, enthusiastic dog ejaculated in her, like people do during apparently all kinds of sex. This particular part of the act, though, didn't sit too well with the lady's immune system because as it turns out, she was allergic to the dog semen. Who knew? It's not like they test for that.
Kind of a crappy way to find out you're allergic to dog semen, though. That's like going on a Cheese-of-the-Month weekend retreat with a group of friends and then finding out you're lactose intolerant.
Anyway, the semen killed her after she went into anaphylactic shock. And that's all there really is to say about that story.
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Man Dies While Trying to Sexually Assault an Elderly Woman
Much like most normal people do on a Thursday, Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez rode two miles on his bicycle to get to the house of a 77 year-old woman he was planning to rape. He got there, and while he was raping this woman, he said "I don't feel very well", and then dropped dead, mid-rape.
While this is never a laughing matter, and is a horrible, horrible occurrence (the rape part), this story is kind of funny, or at the very least incredibly absurd, for a few reasons.
1. The man rode his bike. Who the hell rides a bike to a crime? Who the hell rides a bike to a rape? Don't you assume that you're going to be making a fast getaway? Even if you're gonna kill her, at least have the common sense to know you're probably not going to take the "pretty, scenic route" back home. "I think I'll enjoy a nice ride back from my rape. I will have earned it." You're not going to be riding back home, then all of a sudden hit an unexpected, yet pleasant downhill and take your feet off the pedals and just enjoy life on your way back from a rape. I mean, at least take public transportation.
2. He tried to do it at knifepoint. KNIFEPOINT. if you're going to commit such a hateful act, at least have the common decency to use a car and a gun.
3. His last words were "I'm not feeling well". I'M NOT FEELING WELL. That's probably the most polite, proper way to alert someone of your state of well-being, if you're about to die. I don't imagine this guy is terribly intelligent, successful or even well-read. But the concept of him being this polite while committing pretty much one of the worst things you can ever do is just absurd. What did he expect, her to turn around and say "Oh, that's too bad, would you like some tea? Maybe a hot, damp towel?"
This just sits weird with me.
This whole story is absolutely insane. And definitely a deserved, yet interesting and overall pretty intense way to go for this sexually-predatory jerk.
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Man Dies After Swallowing Brother's Butt Crack
South Carolinian brothers Deangelo, 23, and Wayne Mitchell, 20, were both taken into police custody after allegations of drug possession. Deangelo, who had hidden one ounce of cocaine up his rectum, convinced his brother to swallow the drugs and hide the evidence.
The video in the squad car shows Deangelo urging his brother to eat it. "You ain't got no strike; I can get you out. I can't afford another strike." After seemingly handing off the cocaine, he adds a few more encouraging words, "You the only one that don't have no strikes. You my li'l brother, I'm gonna get life."
Wayne died an hour after in the squad car on the way to the hospital, where doctors were unable to revive him. Once the lab results returned proving it was the toxicity levels of cocaine that killed him, Deangelo was charged with involuntary manslaughter
In the f*ture, everyone must remember to say no to ass crack.
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