The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs

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If you've never thought to yourself, "Self, today we're going to go out into the world and blow money on ridiculously pointless crap that we don't need and will never use," then this list is for you.
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    Poop Freeze and Poop Freeze Holster

    Poop Freeze and Poop Freeze Ho... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    As if we were already lacking a staggering array of totally unnecessary products to pick up dog f***s, along comes Poop Freeze and the Poop Freeze Carry Tote. While city living makes cleaning up after one's pet a requirement, the enthusiasm with which the...shall we say...Fido fecal industry...has taken to product invention is nothing less than disturbing. Who are the people coming up with these ideas? What are the company brainstorm sessions like? Do they force friends and family to listen to their latest and greatest ideas about something that most people prefer to pretend doesn't need doing? And who is actually going to spend $14.95 and/or $3.50, respectively (plus S&H), to meticulously cover their pup's poop in frozen air, before deftly grabbing it for disposal? Isn't this a lot of thought and effort for something that is - across-the-board - disgusting? You don't need this. This is weird, this is icky, this would never exist in a Utopian world. So please do not encourage the mass production of these products. You'll thank me for it.
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    SlumberSleeve is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    You thought it was going to be a Snuggie, didn't you? Oh no. Not when we have waterwings for adults...for sleeping. "Since our sleeve pillow is worn over your arm, wrist, leg or ankle, it moves with you and you can change sleep positions naturally - and sleep like a kid again."Just in case you slept like some twisted retard as a youngin'. Seriously, princess, just buy a better pillow and quit yer bitchin. You don't need to shell out $20 for a glorified sweat band. Save the money for therapy. You're welcome.
  3. 3

    Beer Burglar Alarm

    Beer Burglar Alarm is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    In the place where you live, is it a really big problem that your beer is getting...burgled? Like the Hamburglar keeps invading your space, but has developed a drinking problem? If you suffer from this delusion, I think the last thing you need is more beer - but this is how the Beer Burglar Alarm works: "Simply attach the device to your cans and sleep easy, safe in the knowledge that no one can touch your cans without one of two things happening: a) a mafioso voice piping up, saying ‘Keepa da hands off ma beer,' or b) a banshee-like siren piercing the would-be thieves eardrums." I know that I don't have to pay $10 to have a device scream like a banshee when trespassers touch my cans. I can do bad all by myself. But if you find that people keep pinching your PBR or that you are otherwise helpless against unwanted "can touchers," maybe $10 is a small price to pay.
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    Breakfix Cereal Dispensers

    Breakfix Cereal Dispensers is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    Do you dread pouring yourself a bowl of cereal in the morning? Is the idea of opening a box, unfolding the interior plastic and pouring it - carefully - into a bowl (without spilling!) almost enough to keep you in bed? Never fear, the Breakfix is here! Just by pushing your bowl against the release on the Breakfix, you get a perfectly portioned amount of delicious breakfast goodness. And with all the time saved, you'll be able to ponder the other hurdles that loom large in your day, such as how to tie your shoelaces or unlock the front door.
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    Magic Money Card

    Magic Money Card is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    This was a tough call. For one thing, if the "power to vibrate fortune into your life!" is like, for real, then it shouldn't be on this list at all! Lord knows, it's nearly impossible to find any decent vibe - for fortune or other - for only $8! But if it's not actually a "powerful good luck money drawing" product, you've shelled out $8 to buy two (count 'em) worthless pieces of plastic that are basically only good for breaking into old houses. So I put it at number 5, thinking that if the idea is actually effective, the least you can do is sack up and buy some crayons to make your own.
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    Solvit HoundAbout Pet Stroller Large

    Solvit HoundAbout Pet Stroller... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    This is a stroller. For a dog. A stroller for a dog. A mode of transport pushed by an animal with two legs, for something that has four. A $250 stroller for an animal that eats its own poo. Honestly. Are you kidding me with this?
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    Giddyup Core Exerciser

    Giddyup Core Exerciser is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    OK... The site says "Giddyup! Core Exerciser simulates the motions of horseback riding, causing muscles to involuntarily contract and relax as you balance and stay upright." Later, it reads "And the best part is, there's practically ZERO effort on your part. All you do is sit and enjoy the ride!" So here's the thing: In a scenario in which one is simulating the motions of horseback riding, and she is putting forth "ZERO effort" - while she tries to "balance and stay upright"...she is doing it wrong. There will be no involuntary contraction and relaxation of muscles. This is not worth $420 - $470; there are significantly less pricey tools on the market for the job. Perhaps consider spending the money saved on...learning materials? Or a
  8. 8

    Mr Oxygen OxyLift Daily Oxygen Mineral Booster

    Mr Oxygen OxyLift Daily Oxygen... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Top 10 Products I Promise Nobody Needs
    Photo: user uploaded image
    Good news, friends: For the low, low price of $27.99 you, too, can own something the manufacturer describes thusly: "Please don't ask us how this compares to anything else, as this is the best with a singularly unique formula and any attempts at comparison with any other product only take the focus away from the great results obtained." So there you have it. They also say that most people buy 6 - 12 at a time. I strongly encourage you to avoid the details on this one, and simply act on faith. Faith that this is $27.99 for "a breakthrough in value, a breakthrough in price, and comes in an easy-to-carry one ounce pocket-friendly flat bottle dispenser. Now with Oxy-Uptake!" It's got Oxy-Uptake! Who wouldn't buy 6 - 12 at a time?! (Me).
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