Total Nerd 10 Reasons Kinect Sucks  

Tom Welsh
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While the title of this list of reasons not to buy the Kinect was carefully considered, there's seemingly nothing more appropriate than flat-out saying the Kinect sucks. Because Kinect, quite simply, sucks.

Should you buy a Kinect? The most recent statement from Microsoft outlines exactly how hard it sucks. Kinect is like a stuck up princess that won’t let you so much as hold her hand without first being admired, flattered, fed, bought presents and worshipped as a goddess as she rubs caviar and buttered lobster in your hair while you polish her boots.

Here are the ten things Kinect NEEDS YOU TO DO before it will consider working.
Buy a bigger house is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list 10 Reasons Kinect Sucks
Photo: Mambo'Dan/Flickr
1

Buy a bigger house


Microsoft is a big American company for people with big American houses and big American hands. Just like the original Xbox controllers that were too large for half the world to use, Microsoft seems oblivious to the space available to Europeans and Asians in their homes. The solution? Buy a bigger house dummy! It’ll be worth it when all those triple-A Kinect titles hit the market.
Buy new lights is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list 10 Reasons Kinect Sucks
Photo: mike brown/Flickr
2

Buy new lights


Kinect wants to see you clearly, so you better make sure it can. Some types of strip lighting won’t work and although it uses infra-red to detect your movement, the facial recognition needs light.
Don’t slouch is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list 10 Reasons Kinect Sucks
Photo: yischon/Flickr
3

Don’t slouch


You may remember all the fuss about Kinect use while seated. Basically, they never thought about gamers who play on the sofa. It seems that Microsoft has fixed this problem now, but come on. Who wants to sit while playing games when they could be standing up in a cavernous, well lit aircraft hangar?
Move your speakers/buy a new t... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list 10 Reasons Kinect Sucks
Photo: J Iannone/Flickr
4

Move your speakers/buy a new telly


The layout of your television speakers affects whether you play Kinect on top of or below your TV. If you get interference, just buy a new TV or speaker system. You might as well splash the cash. After all, you’ve already invested in a big house and new lights and as such, presumably no longer have a girlfriend or wife to anger with your extravagant purchases.