10 Reasons Kinect Sucks Video Games

10 Reasons Kinect Sucks

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While the title of this list of reasons not to buy the Kinect was carefully considered, there's seemingly nothing more appropriate than flat-out saying the Kinect sucks. Because Kinect, quite simply, sucks.

Should you buy a Kinect? The most recent statement from Microsoft outlines exactly how hard it sucks. Kinect is like a stuck up princess that won’t let you so much as hold her hand without first being admired, flattered, fed, bought presents and worshipped as a goddess as she rubs caviar and buttered lobster in your hair while you polish her boots.

Here are the ten things Kinect NEEDS YOU TO DO before it will consider working.

List Photo: user uploaded image
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  1. 1

    Buy a bigger house

    Buy a bigger house
    Photo: Mambo'Dan
    Microsoft is a big American company for people with big American houses and big American hands. Just like the original Xbox controllers that were too large for half the world to use, Microsoft seems oblivious to the space available to Europeans and Asians in their homes. The solution? Buy a bigger house dummy! It’ll be worth it when all those triple-A Kinect titles hit the market.
  2. 2

    Buy new lights

    Buy new lights
    Photo: mike brown
    Kinect wants to see you clearly, so you better make sure it can. Some types of strip lighting won’t work and although it uses infra-red to detect your movement, the facial recognition needs light.
  3. 3

    Don’t slouch

    Don’t slouch
    Photo: yischon
    You may remember all the fuss about Kinect use while seated. Basically, they never thought about gamers who play on the sofa. It seems that Microsoft has fixed this problem now, but come on. Who wants to sit while playing games when they could be standing up in a cavernous, well lit aircraft hangar?
  4. 4

    Move your speakers/buy a new telly

    Move your speakers/buy a new telly
    Photo: J Iannone
    The layout of your television speakers affects whether you play Kinect on top of or below your TV. If you get interference, just buy a new TV or speaker system. You might as well splash the cash. After all, you’ve already invested in a big house and new lights and as such, presumably no longer have a girlfriend or wife to anger with your extravagant purchases.
  5. 5

    Move everyone out of the way

    Move everyone out of the way
    Photo: Benji Carter
    You've already seen the videos online of people hurting each other while playing, so move your friends out the way. I mean completely out of the way. Idealy they shouldn’t be on the camera but to be safe, just don’t tell your friends where your new house is. You don’t need them any more anyway, you have Kinect!
  6. 6

    Get saving

    Get saving
    You don’t get Kinect for free you know, bringing you the f*ture today costs money. Its gonna cost $150 or £130 (Kinect cares not for fair exchange rates). Then you have to buy the games. Don’t worry, they cater to the hardcore gamers as much as the casuals. Check out those pics!
  7. 7

    Change your wardrobe

    Change your wardrobe
    Photo: Sandra
    You’ll have to wear clothes that Kinect can pick out from the background. Once again, Kinect gives you fun but makes you a better person too. Its Queer Eye insists you dress brightly, no more black t-shirts and dark gaming rooms for you tubby, time to fashionize!

    *Note, apparently this is no longer an issue, so you don't need to buy new clothes. Just as well, you won't have any money left after all those great launch titles!*
  8. 8

    Uh-oh, are you even Kinect ready?

    Uh-oh, are you even Kinect ready?
    Photo: yum9me
    The newest Xbox’s describe themselves as Kinect ready. What does this mean? Simply that they don’t require an additional power supply for Kinect. What if you’re not Kinect ready? Well its back to the power block of doom for you!
  9. 9

    Tidy your room

    Tidy your room
    Photo: Teckie Kev
    Kinect despises mess! Clean up your floor or Kinect will be unable to find the ground level and the game won’t work. Kinect: the Mary Poppins of consoles. Only less British, and more demanding.
  10. 10

    In case you think I’m biased….

    In case you think I’m biased….
    Photo: Patrick
    There is no doubt that standing up in a barn with a stadium lighting system, wearing a neon tracksuit and playing your Kinect on your new TV and speakers without your friends is awesome. What could be more awesome though? Perhaps waving glowing neon sex toys to play a game almost indistinguishable from Wii sports.

    "Put that back in mommies dresser where you found it or we'll send you back to the orphanage!"

    One final tip: Microsoft has said that you want to put as much distance between you and the Kinect sensor as possible. I suggest serious gamers do just that.

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