10 Reasons Kinect Sucks Video Games
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10 Reasons Kinect Sucks

While the title of this list of reasons not to buy the Kinect was carefully considered, there's seemingly nothing more appropriate than flat-out saying the Kinect sucks. Because Kinect, quite simply, sucks.

Should you buy a Kinect? The most recent statement from Microsoft outlines exactly how hard it sucks. Kinect is like a stuck up princess that won’t let you so much as hold her hand without first being admired, flattered, fed, bought presents and worshipped as a goddess as she rubs caviar and buttered lobster in your hair while you polish her boots.

Here are the ten things Kinect NEEDS YOU TO DO before it will consider working.

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  1. 1

    Buy a bigger house


    Microsoft is a big American company for people with big American houses and big American hands. Just like the original Xbox controllers that were too large for half the world to use, Microsoft seems oblivious to the space available to Europeans and Asians in their homes. The solution? Buy a bigger house dummy! It’ll be worth it when all those triple-A Kinect titles hit the market.

  2. 2

    Buy new lights

    Kinect wants to see you clearly, so you better make sure it can. Some types of strip lighting won’t work and although it uses infra-red to detect your movement, the facial recognition needs light.

  3. 3

    Don’t slouch

    You may remember all the fuss about Kinect use while seated. Basically, they never thought about gamers who play on the sofa. It seems that Microsoft has fixed this problem now, but come on. Who wants to sit while playing games when they could be standing up in a cavernous, well lit aircraft hangar?

  4. 4

    Move your speakers/buy a new telly

    The layout of your television speakers affects whether you play Kinect on top of or below your TV. If you get interference, just buy a new TV or speaker system. You might as well splash the cash. After all, you’ve already invested in a big house and new lights and as such, presumably no longer have a girlfriend or wife to anger with your extravagant purchases.

  5. 5

    Move everyone out of the way

    You've already seen the videos online of people hurting each other while playing, so move your friends out the way. I mean completely out of the way. Idealy they shouldn’t be on the camera but to be safe, just don’t tell your friends where your new house is. You don’t need them any more anyway, you have Kinect!

  6. 6

    Get saving

    You don’t get Kinect for free you know, bringing you the f*ture today costs money. Its gonna cost $150 or £130 (Kinect cares not for fair exchange rates). Then you have to buy the games. Don’t worry, they cater to the hardcore gamers as much as the casuals. Check out those pics!

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