Top 10 Reasons to Enjoy Unemployment By IHateEverything  [37 more lists]

One of the first things you'll discover about joblessness is that all the time previously filled with your job and other obligations has changed into a deserted linear wasteland. So what do you do with all the free time? As your brain frantically tries to come up with an answer, you realize that all this thinking has made you tired, and you might as well lie down on your couch to be more comfortable as you wrestle with this dilemma. When you wake up five hours later, you have found your answer: if you're not awake, you can't feel self pity. You then congratulate yourself with a gigantic sandwich before passing into a food coma.

You've got nowhere to go, and if you're lucky, your neighbors might not know how to password protect their Wi-Fi. There are millions of GigaBytes of free p**n out there on millions of sites, so take this time to get to know them better and see if you can set a new personal record in a 24 hour period. Just remember to stock up on hand lotion so you don't start a fire, and switch hands every once in a while. Then you can brag to people about your new personal record at parties.

"8!"

Normally, you would get dragged out on a weekday by some slacker friend of yours and you would inevitably have too much to drink or do one bowl too many. The next morning you'd wake up feeling like s**t and curse the next eight hours of harsh florescent lighting, domineering boss giving you the dead eye, and the ringing of the phone piercing your brain like an efficient heroine junkie that has just "given up". Now with that pesky job gone, you can get fucked up every night without the dread of the day after.

With all this free time you have now, you are free to look old friends up on Facebook and see what they're up to. It will probably go something like this:
A: Hey dude, what's up?
B: Wow, how long's it been, like five, six years?
A: Yeah, I guess. What you been up to? Where are you living right now?
B: Well, I'm living in Denver now with Marcy, but we both just got laid off so we had to sell the place and move into our car. You?
A: I did have a great job up until three months ago when the company went under and I lost all my 401K. I moved back in with my parents.
B: This may seem a little weird, but can I borrow some money?
A: I was going to ask you the same question.

So take this time to get back in with those who are possibly doing just a bit better than you and use them up like you will the sites in item #2.

The last time you saw Jerry Springer was back in high school when you were acting out a much lamer version of Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, and it was pretty horrible. In this, your darkest hour, you can always be secure in the fact that as bad as your life has become, it pales in comparison to the living h**l that everyone who's ever been on that show experiences every single day.

One word of warning though: watching daytime TV has you getting in pretty close to such things as all those shitty soap melo-dramas, and worst of all ‘The View”. These are to be avoided at all cost so that you don’t end up sobbing on your couch while your penis retracts back into your body for shame of being a part of you.