Top 10 Reasons to Have a Breast Reduction

My SINGLE, NUMBER ONE CHIEF REASON for having my reduction. My surgeon had a good analogy for this. For all males who think big boobs are no big deal for a woman, try this: take two 5-6lb bowling balls and strap them to your chest using piano wire. Now stand up straight. Good. Now walk over to your partner, straddle them, and proceed to bounce up and down for a good 20 minutes, without stopping. How does that feel? Does it feel good? Exactly. Contrary to popular myth, the only big bitches that are not heavy are FAKE. Glad we cleared that up.

Remember that diaper rash you had as a kid? Yeah, it never really goes away. Instead of being red and gooey, it's brown and ugly. It's like a tea stain across your skin, where the boobs fold and where the bra sits. Come to think of it, it IS red and ugly, because the blood gets trapped. This can also be combined with sores that never heal, because there is zero air flow. Just imagine getting a peanut stuck between your toes for about 20 years. And most of the time, the skin staining is permanent. Boy, now I really want to get naked.

I'm a huge fan of jogging, but really anything faster than a crawl required 3 bras and a rather large t-shirt. Even then, I still bounced more than a government check. Floor exercises consisted of craning my neck to see past my nipples. Anytime my coach said, "Go grab free weights!" I'd grab my chest. Going to the gym involved standing outside, waiting for a large group to go in so I could remain invisible. Once in, my sweatshirt stayed on until I passed out--which didn't take long, because jogging with those bad boys was the equivalent of running with weights. If the guys want know the pain equivalent, strap a bowling ball to your happy sac and go running. No, really, go ahead. I'm gonna sit back and watch.

"How Deep Is My Valley!" This really is self-explanatory, but for those who aren't in the know, shoulder grooves are caused by constant pressure applied to the, you know, shoulders. The heavier the boobs, the more the bra straps dig in. The skinnier the strap, the more it hurts. The deeper the pressure, the deeper the cut. The deeper the cut, the worse the scar gets. The worse the scar....well, I think I've made my impression on you.

Oh, yeah - one of my fav's. A bra for a BBG (big boob girl) comes in three colors: white, black and beige. Should you be so fortunate to find a pretty bra in your size, it costs twice your monthly salary. A lot can be said about the privilege of shopping at a store that doesn't feature the words "Lovely and Large" in its window. And anyway, most bras don't contain big boobs properly and you get the quad-boob affect. There are four where there should be two. I know men would consider this Christmas year round, but it's probably the tackiest visual ever. Just once, it would be nice to buy more than one bra and not skip rent in the process. Better yet, to not buy a bra that comes in a box, or is featured in a catalog with mumus.