Top 10 Vampire Slayers That Should Be In New Moon By PT_Tesla [39 more lists]

Twilight New Moon sucks. I'm not in the Death to Twilight camp, and I don't usually use the word Twitards, but I've gotten used to a certain amount of danger being associated with vampires. I'm not used to vampires sparkling like girls at a middle school dance when they walk into the sun, I'm used to them bursting into flames. Here are 10 vampire slayers who agree with me. (To see all the other vamps that could use a good slaying, check out the complete list of All Vampire Movies.)

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1

Bordello of Blood - Gilbert Adler

Dennis Miller as Rafe Guttman dispatches vampires with holy-water-filled super soakers and smart ass comments like "I'd rather crazy glue my junk to a bullet train than have sex with you." I know this is an on-running theme, but Miller would have to shack up with Bella. Why? Because Bella shacking up with some 50-year-old conservative comedian would still, somehow, be less creepy than her falling in love with a 200-year-old vampire that hangs out in High Schools for some reason. Seriously, what's there left to learn? Maybe Edward's real curse is his learning disability?...
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2

Van Helsing - Stephen Sommers

Hugh Jackman (as Van Helsing) and Kate Beckinsale (as Anna Valerious) slaughter vampires and werewolves old school. Van Helsing uses a gattling gun styled crossbow when ganking vamps throughout the movie. He could take care of all of Bella's problems and then bang her. Come on, Twilight could seriously use a gattling gun crossbow in it. Crossbow!!!
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3

Blade: Trinity - David S. Goyer

Jessica Biel as Abigail Whistler is a smoking hot vampire killer and is exactly what Twilight needs to get guys into the theater and Team Edward off the plane of the living. We need an Abigail Whistler in New Moon. Stat. She would probably use her sweet freaking crossbow and then make out with Ashley Greene's character. Then she'd kill her.
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4

Vampires - John Carpenter

James Woods as Jack Crow from John Carpenter's Vampires (1998) would f*** the s**t out of Bella and make Edward watch. Jack Crow doesn't take s**t from his bosses at the church or from even the most powerful master vampire in the world. Forget about hopping around through trees like a monkey, Jack would shoot anyone doing that, human or vampire, with a crossbow and yank them to their death. God, I love crossbows.
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5

The Lost Boys - Joel Schumacher

Little did most people know, Jack Bauer kicks ass on 24 cause he used to be a vampire. The vampire slayer here is Edgar Frog played by Corey Feldman. Maybe Edgar is a slacker vampire killer, but at least he's funny. Maybe he'd add some color and sense of humor to the hormone-fest of New Moon.
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6

The Twins Effect - Donnie Yen, Dante Lam

Released as The Vampire Effect aka "Chin gei bin", this film has a cameo from the legendary Jackie Chan. Not "The Tuxedo" or "Rush Hour" Jackie Chan, but old school awesome Jackie Chan. That's really all you need to know. All Jackie Chan needs to take on an ARMY of vampires is wooden shoes. You heard me. Wooden. Pointy. Shoes.
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7

From Dusk Till Dawn - Robert Rodriguez

Come on, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez working together with chick magnet George Clooney? No, they aren't just "lady slayers" and this isn't a bad pun - they spend the rest of the movie staking vampires and taking names left and right. Quentin Tarantino would make New Moon into the most watchable movie of all time! Quentin Tarantino + Something Lame = Something Not Lame (except like when he guest-judged American Idol, but my equation still stands...why? It's science!)
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8

Underworld: Evolution - Len Wiseman

Kate Beckinsale as Selene is an equal opportunity Death Dealer that kills bloodsuckers and werewolves. Werewolf Native Americans would think twice about taking their shirts off if they had a Selene in their movie.
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9

The Forsaken - J.S. Cardone

Kerr Smith as Sean in The Forsaken has the whole brooding dark thing going. Edward could take a few cues from Sean and man up instead of letting his vampire buddies try to make McBella nuggets out of his girlfriend. Maybe he's too busy spending time on his hair or smoking pot.
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10

Buffy the Vampire Slayer - Fran Rubel Kuzui

Buffy's a ruthless slayer that wouldn't fall in love with a guy like Edward, or really anyone else who sparkles. Mind you, I don't think I'M even butch enough for Buffy. Any vampires she dated have slaughtered hundreds of innocents and don't cry when they "feel emotions". Buffy likes her vampires MANLY. Edward ain't gonna cut it. Buffy would fit in how? Because she's Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. Eat it.
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