Edward Jones, Queen Victoria's Panty SnifferIf you’re going to stalk, go for the gold, right? Staking his claim as the original celebrity stalker, Jones gained headlines in the 19th century as the Buckingham Palace intruder, which wasn’t too difficult of a task at the time since security was loosely organized and guards would often be preoccupied with socializing with prostitutes and getting drunk.
It is purported that his infatuation may have begun at the sight of an illustration of Queen Victoria from a newspaper clipping, in which portraits of royalty would often be exaggerated in beauty and image, the Photoshop of the 19th century.
Who wouldn't want to play "find the knickers" with her?
The most infamous of all his break-ins occurred in 1838 when he was caught red-handed in Queen Victoria’s dressing room with several pairs of the Queen’s underthings stuffed inside his trousers, along with an opened letter to the Queen and an entire portrait of his beloved. At the point of his interrogation, Jones claimed to be doing some hands-on research for his book on the palace he was working for, where he was put on trial, but found not guilty by judges.
After a few more busts within the palace, Jones’s shenanigans began to exhaust the royal family, and they resorted to an illegal means of disengaging him with his precious Queen by kidnapping him and forcing him into working the rigorous profession of a seaman within the Royal Navy Vessel. There are no reports on whether Jones was able to keep the underthings.
Margaret Mary Ray, David Letterman's "Wife"A classic case of a schizophrenic stalker, Ray’s obsession with Letterman began in the mid-80’s when her marriage fell apart, leaving her in custody of her five children, all while managing a stealthy pursuit of talk show host David Letterman.
When it comes to celeb stalking, there's just no time to check makeup
Ray's most infamous incident took place in 1988 when she, along with her three-year-old son, drove off in Letterman’s Porsche (parked in his driveway), claiming that they were married and that her son was their child. Ray was found guilty of trespassing eight times and of other actions over the next few years, including leaving letters and books in his driveway, and cookies and an empty whiskey bottle behind in the foyer of Letterman’s Connecticut home. When Letterman found Ray sleeping on his tennis court, she was finally sent to Niantic State Prison for 10 months for harassment.
However, Letterman refused to press criminal charges against Ray, stating, “I wasn’t comfortable with the humanity of that.” Ray was finally released from prison in the 1990s, after which she dropped Letterman faster than a hot potato for her newest pursuit: astronaut Story Musgrave.
But only if you keep the space suit on.
She sent him letters, packages, telephone calls, and even posed as a reporter to gain a closer proximity. She was sent to jail for trespassing, again, after showing up unannounced at Musgrave's home.
Once released for the last time from prison, Ray established a home in Hotchkiss, Colorado, until committing suicide by kneeling on a railroad track in front of an oncoming train. Yikes.
Tom Jones SlingerThe living, breathing, singing incarnate of all things sexy, Tom Jones never found it unusual for women’s panties to make their way to him on stage during his performances, but during a particular concert in Swansea, he found himself in the midst of panties other than those of his adoring fans and he recounts the incident.
“I felt something damp and rancid smelling land on my face and everything went black...it was an extra-large pair of men’s y-fronts! They were in bloody disgusting condition too, boyo! There were huge skid marks all down the back, and weird yellowish stains down the front - some were still damp!”
Poor Jones, this disgusting act of perversion can only be linked to jealousy; who would want to terrorize the icon of foxy that is Tom Jones?
Targeted a second time in Port Talbot while performing “Delilah,” he was knocked unconscious for four minutes after an object was hurled at him onstage. Upon regaining consciousness, he realized he had been hit by a jockstrap. The terrorizing didn’t end there, and poor Jones recounts once again an incident involving human excretions during his performance of “Sex Bomb” at Neath Town Hall.
“This extra-large condom full of stale j**m came flying out of the audience and hit me in the face. I was spattered with cold semen - it took hours to get off. I'm telling you boyo, I had to scrub my face so hard I thought the tan was going to come off!”
By now, the stalker is just patting himself on the back for his impeccable timing and aim. It wasn’t until the ultimate misdemeanor (Jones's codpiece was stolen on one of the stops of his Welsh tour) that Jones was nearly driven out of the business and into insanity.
"In the end I had to go on stage with half a dozen rolled up rugby socks down my trousers. It just wasn't the same - my groin looked too lumpy and my thrusting just wasn't energetic enough! Several members of the audience left early!"
I would've left early, too. Who could sit through a concert without that fine piece of man?
Detectives took matters (as well as the manly poo poo that was thrown on Jones) into their own hands, connecting the semen to a Tom Jones impersonator in Aberystwyth who had built a shrine to the stolen codpiece in his spare bedroom (creepy!). Upon retrieval of his beloved codpiece, Jones retorted, “I'm just glad to have it back – I feel a complete man again!” And the world is back on its axis and relieved to have the tantalizing entertainer feeling 100% sexbomb again!
John Hinckley Jr., Jodie Foster Stalker, Ronald Reagan Attempted Assassin
Upon Jodie Foster’s 1976 breakout role as a child prostitute in Taxi Driver, Hinckley watched the film in a continuous loop, developing his sick obsession with the 14-years-old actress. After becoming a successful actress, Foster enrolled at Yale University, where Hinkley’s persistent contact with the actress gained motion when he moved to New Haven, Connecticut, to be closer to Foster, slipping letters and poems under her door and contacting her constantly via telephone.
Foster ignored his attempts to contact her, so Hinckley took the next logical step: He would impress Foster by assassinating Ronald Reagan. Makes sense, right?
I don't understand why Foster didn't swoon for this guy.
After Foster came out gay in 2013, Hinckley released a statement, furious to discover what the rest of the world has known for years: "This information would've been useful a few decades earlier," he said, "If I had known I never had a chance with Jodie because I'm a man, I wouldn't have tried to assassinate the President to get her to like me." I'm sure everyone forgave Hinckley for trying to kill the President after that.
Mark David Chapman, John Lennon's Obsessive MurdererThe world stopped spinning the day John Lennon died. The target of an obsessive and mentally unstable Mark David Chapman, Lennon – unlike most victims – had no preceding hints leading up to homicide, although the idea of killing Lennon had been simmering in Chapman’s mind months prior to the assassination.
In October 1980, Chapman arrived in New York, where Lennon was living, and his erratic behavior leading up to Lennon’s demise included offering cocaine to a taxi driver, manically professing to James Taylor how he needed to get in touch with Lennon while sweating profusely, and waiting for Lennon outside his hotel, where Chapman had gotten Lennon's autograph just a few hours before his death.
Can you imagine this guy sweating profusely? I can't.
Chapman spent the day lurking around Lennon’s hotel, which wasn't unfamiliar behavior for die-hard Beatles and Lennon fans, and upon Lennon’s return from a recording session at Record Plant Studios that evening, Chapman fired five shots from behind, fatally wounding Lennon in the left lung.
Chapman now resides in Buffalo, NY at Attica Correctional Facilities, having been denied parole ever since his allowance to trial every two years since 2000, with Yoko Ono serving as the main force behind his detainment. In 2012, he told ABC news that had Lennon been a little less famous than the other three or four people on his hit list, Chapman wouldn't have shot him. Whew, well, that just makes us all feel better about the situation now, doesn't it?
Dawnette Knight, Catherine Zeta Jones' Arch Enemy Stalker
Dawnette Knight wanted to “cut Zeta-Jones into little pieces and feed her to the dogs.” If these aren’t words reason enough to be fearful for your life, then the fact that Knight memorized the name of Zeta-Jones and hubby Michael Douglas’s nanny and layout of their house is more than reason.
Catherine Zeta-Jones will cut you!
In 2003 and 2004, Knight sent letters to the famous couple that brought her obsession to light. Involving Barbara Walters as her devious partner in crime (obviously) in her plots to murder Zeta-Jones, a portion of Knight’s letter to the aging news anchor states, “When we finish with this bitch/whore, she will not be this pretty face actress. You won't be able to recognize her in her cassket! [sic]" She also made reference to Zeta-Jones, wanting to “slice her up like meat on a bone,” and claimed, “she will be dead before she'll be able to blink an eye. Michael can finally be happy with his kids when the bitch is dead." I'm sure Walters jumped right on board with that.
Oh, one tiny detail was left out. After all this went down, Knight later sent an apology to Zeta-Jones and Douglas, stating, "It would be a wonderful good deed if you would all forgive me so that I can go back to college to finish my studies in child psychology." Because she’s finally found her role in society: analyst and examiner of children’s mental health. We're all thrilled to hear that.