81-Year-Old Man Tries to Bang an Actual Bush
Connecticut resident Wallace Berg gave onlookers the show of their lives when the 81-year-old dropped his pants in public in order to have sex with some shrubbery. A neighbor filmed the ordeal (worst sex tape ever) and sent it to police, who eventually charged Berg with public indecency and second-degree breach of peace. The same neighbor confronted Berg during the incident, and said that Berg covered himself with his grill cover and apologized. He was released after posting a $10,000 bond.
Jets Tight End Kellen Winslow, Jr "Was Not" Using Vaseline for THAT In Target Parking Lotv
First lesson about public masturbation: don't. That's the only lesson, actually. New York Jets tight end Kellen Winslow, Jr was never taught this lesson, as a 58-year-old woman allegedly found the athlete in a Target parking lot in New Jersey, in November, by himself with the windows down. Intrigued, the woman approached the window for a chat (as you do when someone is parked in the far part of the lot by themselves) when suddenly her attention turned from small talk to...well, there was something in plain view that only mommies and daddies typically see.
The cops were called and later found a clothed Winslow with two open jars of Vaseline and several containers of synthetic marijuana. He was arrested for possession of a controlled substance but never charged with lack of restraint of his manhood.
Willard, best known for playing stupid authoritarians in movies like "Best in Show" and "A Mighty Wind", was caught doing what one does at a Los Angeles XXX movie theater. The police arrested Willard for lewd conduct and transported him to jail.
Since the news of his arrest went public, Willard has since been fired from his current job as a narrator on PBS.
What is most astounding about this story is that there are still XXX movie theaters in operation even with the abundance of free pornography on the internet.
Viral Video Activist Found Masturbating and Vandalizing Carsv
Jason Russell, the co-founder of Invisible Children, the company who has made headlines recently for their viral video "KONY 2012", was found running around naked and making "lewd gestures" on a busy intersection in San Diego.
The police were called the morning of March 16th when Russell was discovered wandering around the beach-front neighborhood in nothing but a pair of spandex underwear. He proceeded to remove the tight trunks and run around, smacking the ground and howling. He was also seen masturbating and hitting cars.
The police took Russell into custody but did not take him to jail as he was "obviously on some substance". He was, instead, taken to a local hospital and admitted into the psych ward. A representative of Invisible Children said that Russell is suffering from "exhaustion and dehydration".
For more, check out Ranker's collection of the best reactions to Russell's arrest: The Very Best Reactions to Horny2012.
Of course Pee-Wee had to be on here. Why? Well, one it's a classic case and two, it takes some REAL balls to pull something like this if you're a household name children's show star. The stakes on that are THAT much higher. It's not like he was Paris Hilton who can go to jail for ANYTHING whilst having her reputation remain exactly the same, this was THE Pee-Wee Herman.
Attached here is a one-on-one exclusive interview with NBC correspondent Stone Phillips (who you KNOW didn't keep his birth name, unless his parents really planned on him being either a cool news reporter, a rock star or a bounty hunter).
Paul Reubens, better known as Pee Wee Herman (in case you're skipping paragraphs), was arrested in an adult movie theater after being caught masturbating (allegedly).
In an interview with Playboy about the 1991 incident, he states "I'm right-handed, and the police report said I was jerking off with my left hand. That would have been the end of the case right there, proof it couldn't have been me."
Sadly, the last "secret word of the day" Pee-Wee would hear for almost 20 years would be "FREEZE!"
Socrates Caught Masturbating In Public
Okay okay, so half the reason he's on this list is because of how hilarious that headline reads. Read it. It's wonderful! And he looks so happy!
Anyway, John Socrates, a 47 year old elementary school teacher in New Jersey, woke up early one morning only to drive to a rest stop on the Garden State Parkway and begin masturbating.
Police surveilling the area caught Socrates mid-jerk (the worst time to get caught doing ANYTHING, really) and arrested him for lewd behavior.
To make matters worse for Socrates (yes, we will keep calling him that), the police also found marijuana in his car.
The ballsiest and most shameless, horrific part about this entire debacle is that the man was just squeezing this in before work... which is working with kids. Smoking pot to calm down after a long day of dealing with yelling, screaming, dirty kids is one thing, but needing to pull a "Something About Mary" style "deploy the reserves" move is uncalled for for a man with his job. Especially in public.
Man Caught Masturbating in Public Library
Mike Cooper, an unfortunate Ohio State fan, was unknowingly filmed masturbating to porn on a computer in the county library in Cleveland and then confronted by news cameras about it, Chris Hansen style.
He denies, time after time, that he even looks up porn to begin with!
Click here for a video of a local news crew catching a man masturbating at a public library. And a video that shows that this guy has PRIORS... of what? Of the same thing. At the same place.
The best part of this whole thing is that the news reporter keeps referring to his masturbating at an unpopular library as "having sex". Sadly enough, though, the guy still lives with his parents.
What is it with Ohio?
Man Masturbates in Female Co-Worker's Water Bottle
Don’t you just love the O.C.? Recently, a man was arrested for ejaculating into a female coworker's water bottle on two different occasions. Once would have been bad enough, and he at least could have chosen something a little more inconspicuous to masturbate into like, oh I don't know, Sobe's popular coconut flavored drink "Lizard Blizzard"?
Anyway, the unfortunate female coworker unknowingly drank the infected water and fell ill both times, showing above all else that the guy really needs to re-think his eating habits. The second time she fell ill she decided to send in the water bottle to a lab for testing.
They not only found the semen but somehow matched the DNA back to the offender and were able to bring him to justice.
It's actually kind of CSI:Miami impressive that they could distinguish between different salivas and center in on the fact that HIS DNA was contained specifically in the semen.
Click here for the "full" story.
Man Masturbates on Subway in Front of EVERYONE
"My private parts fell out. I looked down and it was out. It just popped out! I was trying to put it back," exclaimed Kevin Bishop, the alleged subway masturbator, as NY police arrested him for wanking it on the 3-train.
A likely story, as most of us DO wear pants with no underwear and zippers with the holding power of your largest pair of way-too-old boxers.
The 44 year old grandfather (44... grandfather?) has a whopping 64 other arrests on his record, which made this lucky number 65. I've got money on 70.
Click here for the full news report.
American Idol Finalist Masturbates In Front of Employeev
Adding a little star power to this list (although I'm sure you know who else is on here) Mario Vasquez, a former American Idol contestant, was accused of sexual harassment by Magdaleno Olmos, a Fremantle Media employee, when Vasquez allegedly masturbated in front of him in the bathroom on set of American Idol.
He wasn't quite "caught" as much as he aggressively went for it.
The victimized Fremantle employee claims that the American Idol "star" cornered him in a bathroom stall and even started to try and touch him.
After reporting the incident to a superior, Olmos (the victim) was soon fired and has since filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against FOX Entertainment and Fremantle Media.
Not surprisingly, Vasquez (aka Mr. Corner-Happy McNoPants) dropped out of American Idol citing personal reasons and because, according to fans, he said he was "too popular".
Here's a video of him singing during his audition.
The Bike Wanker Sting Operation
After many eyewitness reports came in of a suspected public masturbator in Carpinteria, a sting operation was launched to catch the pervy perpetrator.
Police watched as the man in question biked after a woman, against the laws of nature, as I don't know anyone who has ever ever been able to successfully write a bicycle with an erection. Unfortunately for him, the female was an undercover detective. Once he caught up to her, though, he proceeded to actively masturbate right in front of her.
The detective then identified herself and ordered him to stop. After a short foot pursuit (once again, speed athletics + erections = fail), he was arrested on charges of lewd acts in public and indecent exposure.
No word yet on what happened to the man's bicycle.
Click here for the full report
The Down-South(West) Passenger
A man from Delaware decided to rub something in someone's face other than the fact that they have no sales tax on a Southwest flight from Delaware to Denver in March of 2010.
FYI, though, just to clear the air: masturbating on a plane does not make you part of the mile high club.
The man allegedly masturbated in front of a stewardess, and then the following conversation ensued:
‘You caught me,’ said the pervy passenger.
‘Yeah I did,’ replied the understandably shocked woman.
The mile-high-masturbator (which is what they SHOULD have named him) was arrested upon arrival and charged with obscene and indecent exposure.
I blame the size of airplane bathrooms.
Attached is a video of the naked Southwest passenger whose clothes, apparently, never came back on.
College Football Athlete Uses Worst Pick-Up Line Ever, Twice
The news story really just does the most justice to this account.
"Freshman defensive lineman Tate Pittman [of Texas A&M] beckoned a female student over to his vehicle. He smiled at her and calmly asked, ‘Can you help me with this?’ as he pointed to his exposed genitals. He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure."
He was in the school parking lot, so what could possibly go wrong, right? Well, lesson learned and everyone moved on with their lives, right? WRONG
"Two weeks later, possibly to commemorate the two-week anniversary of his first arrest for indecent exposure, Pittman chose another female student, and again smiled before revealing his genitals. In the world of indecent exposure, a smile clearly indicates a non-threatening exposure, but unfortunately for Pittman, the girl was not familiar with the flashers’ code of conduct, and he was arrested again."
Twice. That's right, he did this TWICE. How many times must he have completely gotten away with this, I mean why do most dumbass guys do the things they do that they think impress women? The answer, sadly, is that at some point, for someone, in some random, ungodly place in the world... the tactic actually worked.
BONUS: Click here for the full story and four other public-masturbating athletes.
On a Park Bench, To An Armless Mannequin
61-year-old Eddie Campbell of West Virginia, who surprisingly doesn't own a fishstick company, was arrested after being spotted on a public park bench masturbating to an armless mannequin; one hand on the mannequin, one on himself. When police approached him, his response was a casual "just tryin' to have a little fun!" The man, aroused by the one-armed mannequin, probably just missed his old boss Captain Hook.
Luckily Campbell, like the mannequin, was not armed.
Click here for the full news story
Caught Masturbating in Police Holding Room During Arrest, After
"Bitch, you're going to suck my dick," is what Cortez Moorman allegedly said to a 43-year-old woman after persuading her to get into his car (which is actually kind of an admirable feat, given how much cat calling goes on... I guess after a while it must just actually start working?...) She, of course, denied him this and it didn't sit well with this perfect stranger whose car she'd just gotten into, so he proceeded to force himself on her.
After he physically assaulted her by taking her clothes off, the woman escaped in her bra and panties and flagged down police before he could go all the way.
Police were able to catch Moorman. And this is where the story BEGINS:
Moorman was accused, then, of blocking the door with a chair, whipping out his penis and masturbating right in the interview room. Moorman had apparently gotten over-excited during his, you know, rape ATTEMPT earlier in the evening.
Once the cops finally entered the room again, Moorman then continued to stroke himself under his clothes. After the interview ended, he went right back to it showing us all that cops in this town obviously need to restrain their rapists just a liiiiiiiittle better.
NOTABLE COMMENTS FROM THE NEWS ARTICLE ITSELF INCLUDE:
"You're not supposed to let the police see you cumming."
"He just wanted to get a load off his chest."
NOTABLE TAGS FROM THE ARTICLE INCLUDE:
The More You Know
NOTABLE CAPTION TO THE PICTURE OF MOORMAN, AKA UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE YEAR:
"Cortez Moorman doesn't know boundaries"
Click here for the full news story, including more details
Pastor Caught Masturbating In Boys Underwear Aisle of a Dollar Storev
In early 2009, Pastor Millard Clifton Tolbert, once again, don't forget that name, Pastor MILLARD CLIFTON TOLBERT, 58, was caught on video masturbating in the boys and men’s underwear aisle of a Dollar Store in Appalachia.
Once again, the BOYS underwear aisle of a DOLLAR store.
The pastor was worried he would go to jail when he was caught by terrified store managers and caught on video (video below) masturbating while looking around.
So it goes without saying that a pastor masturbating in a boy's underwear aisle at a DOLLAR store, to boy's underwear, raises a lot of concerns, like: where was he going to finish, why doesn't he have this thing we all like to call "internet access" and really? He REALLY couldn't have gone to a Target or something?
Click here for the full news report (video).
BONUS: Here's a report of a diagram drawn by the non-crazy, complete geniuses over at christwire.org of "How To Spot A Masturbator": Link .
Such great advice comes in the form of: "smell the mattress and say 'this smells like semen'" and "untucked t-shirt".
Here's a video titled "Mindblowing Christian Sex". Not surprisingly, it's about masturbation.
Woman Caught Using Sex Toy, Porn While Driving
Definitely a favorite among anyone who loves to either laugh or just read an article with their mouth wide open, is a woman named Colondra Hamilton of Ohio.
She was recently pulled over for having slightly darker-than-legally-tinted windows. When police pulled her over, she had a female sex toy on her lap, and then openly admitted to have been using it on herself (that's right) WHILE DRIVING. In addition to this, she also admitted to have been using it while watching a pornographic film on a laptop that was open in the passenger seat.
She was, of course, arrested, and when police found the vehicle, they found a broken crack pipe, which also belonged to Hamilton. She was charged not only for the impaired driving but also two counts of drug paraphernalia possession, due to both halves of the broken crack pipe, which even for that kind of charge and for what she was doing, seems a little excessive. One crack pipe should definitely be ONE charge.
Sometimes, life just isn't fair.
Click here for the full article chock full of WTF
Beating It in a McDonald's Parking Lot; He's Lovin' It!
A 79-year-old man in Florida was arrested when a woman complained that he was touching himself in the backseat of his car which was, at the time, parked behind a McDonald's restaurant. The woman asked him to discontinue the activity, but was told by the man that she was invading his privacy...because he lives in his car.
Her attempts having failed, the woman called the police who caught the man viewing pornography on a laptop with one hand and exploring himself with another. He appealed to the police with the same story, but was arrested and taken away.
BONUS! Couple Does Everything AND THAT In Front Of Dress Store
Disclaimer: this couple went way past getting caught "just" masturbating. Read on.
In the middle of the day (about 3:30pm) two people- who had apparently JUST met- started kissing in front of a Chula Vista, CA dress store and didn't stop where society, dignity, and morality (...maybe the law, I don't know) would probably where most folks would stop.
Eyewitnesses describe how the 15 minutes of kissing led to the two copulating on the sidewalk and the man egging the woman on to go further. He ended up with all his clothes off while she kept her skirt on THROUGH THE POINT WHERE THE COPS SHOWED UP.
Due, presumably, to his greater degree of nakedness, the man in the equation was taken to jail while the female was released with a citation.
SOURCE: ABC 13