Man Masturbates in Female Co-Worker's Water Bottle
Don’t you just love the O.C.? Recently, a man was arrested for ejaculating into a female coworker's water bottle on two different occasions. Once would have been bad enough, and he at least could have chosen something a little more inconspicuous to masturbate into like, oh I don't know, Sobe's popular coconut flavored drink "Lizard Blizzard"?
Anyway, the unfortunate female coworker unknowingly drank the infected water and fell ill both times, showing above all else that the guy really needs to re-think his eating habits. The second time she fell ill she decided to send in the water bottle to a lab for testing.
They not only found the semen but somehow matched the DNA back to the offender and were able to bring him to justice.
It's actually kind of CSI:Miami impressive that they could distinguish between different salivas and center in on the fact that HIS DNA was contained specifically in the semen.
Click here for the "full" story.
Man Masturbates on Subway in Front of EVERYONE
"My private parts fell out. I looked down and it was out. It just popped out! I was trying to put it back," exclaimed Kevin Bishop, the alleged subway masturbator, as NY police arrested him for wanking it on the 3-train.
A likely story, as most of us DO wear pants with no underwear and zippers with the holding power of your largest pair of way-too-old boxers.
The 44 year old grandfather (44... grandfather?) has a whopping 64 other arrests on his record, which made this lucky number 65. I've got money on 70.
Click here for the full news report.
American Idol Finalist Masturbates In Front of Employee
Adding a little star power to this list (although I'm sure you know who else is on here) Mario Vasquez, a former American Idol contestant, was accused of sexual harassment by Magdaleno Olmos, a Fremantle Media employee, when Vasquez allegedly masturbated in front of him in the bathroom on set of American Idol.
He wasn't quite "caught" as much as he aggressively went for it.
The victimized Fremantle employee claims that the American Idol "star" cornered him in a bathroom stall and even started to try and touch him.
After reporting the incident to a superior, Olmos (the victim) was soon fired and has since filed a wrongful termination lawsuit against FOX Entertainment and Fremantle Media.
Not surprisingly, Vasquez (aka Mr. Corner-Happy McNoPants) dropped out of American Idol citing personal reasons and because, according to fans, he said he was "too popular".
Here's a video of him singing during his audition.
The Bike Wanker Sting Operation
After many eyewitness reports came in of a suspected public masturbator in Carpinteria, a sting operation was launched to catch the pervy perpetrator.
Police watched as the man in question biked after a woman, against the laws of nature, as I don't know anyone who has ever ever been able to successfully write a bicycle with an erection. Unfortunately for him, the female was an undercover detective. Once he caught up to her, though, he proceeded to actively masturbate right in front of her.
The detective then identified herself and ordered him to stop. After a short foot pursuit (once again, speed athletics + erections = fail), he was arrested on charges of lewd acts in public and indecent exposure.
No word yet on what happened to the man's bicycle.
Click here for the full report
The Down-South(West) Passenger
A man from Delaware decided to rub something in someone's face other than the fact that they have no sales tax on a Southwest flight from Delaware to Denver in March of 2010.
FYI, though, just to clear the air: masturbating on a plane does not make you part of the mile high club.
The man allegedly masturbated in front of a stewardess, and then the following conversation ensued:
‘You caught me,’ said the pervy passenger.
‘Yeah I did,’ replied the understandably shocked woman.
The mile-high-masturbator (which is what they SHOULD have named him) was arrested upon arrival and charged with obscene and indecent exposure.
I blame the size of airplane bathrooms.
Attached is a video of the naked Southwest passenger whose clothes, apparently, never came back on.
College Football Athlete Uses Worst Pick-Up Line Ever, Twice
The news story really just does the most justice to this account.
"Freshman defensive lineman Tate Pittman [of Texas A&M] beckoned a female student over to his vehicle. He smiled at her and calmly asked, ‘Can you help me with this?’ as he pointed to his exposed genitals. He was arrested and charged with indecent exposure."
He was in the school parking lot, so what could possibly go wrong, right? Well, lesson learned and everyone moved on with their lives, right? WRONG
"Two weeks later, possibly to commemorate the two-week anniversary of his first arrest for indecent exposure, Pittman chose another female student, and again smiled before revealing his genitals. In the world of indecent exposure, a smile clearly indicates a non-threatening exposure, but unfortunately for Pittman, the girl was not familiar with the flashers’ code of conduct, and he was arrested again."
Twice. That's right, he did this TWICE. How many times must he have completely gotten away with this, I mean why do most dumbass guys do the things they do that they think impress women? The answer, sadly, is that at some point, for someone, in some random, ungodly place in the world... the tactic actually worked.
BONUS: Click here for the full story and four other public-masturbating athletes.
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