Happy Holidays! Now prepare to be emotionally damaged by the jolly ol' elf himself, Santa Claus! We have collected 13 of the most traumatizing stories about Santa and little kids over the years. From tears to murder, we've got it all here.
Santa Slays 8 and Sets House Aflame
Laid off and recently divorced, Bruce Jeffrey Pardo dressed up as Santa Claus and drove out to his former parents-in-law's home in Covina, Ca, where a holiday party was in effect. When a 8-year old girl opened the door, Pardo began to fire at will, shooting several party attendees--including the 8 year old, though she survived--before setting the house on fire using a spraying device, disguised as a present, to disperse flammable fuel within the home, before a candle or the pilot light ignited it and set the house on fire.
Based on the evidence ($17,000 in cash and a ticket to Canada), it appeared as though he had planned to flee the country after the incident. However, once the fire started, his arm was severely burned and the costume melted to his body. He then fled the scene to his brother's home, where he shot himself in the head. His brother found the body the next day.
It may have taken 80 firefighters to control the flames, but it will take many doctors and years of therapy to undo the emotional scarring of one douche in a Santa suit.
Click here for the full story
Violently Giving Santa Tries To Abduct Child, Give Candy
Here is the story of a particular Santa who likes to dress up with a pillow underneath to make him fuller-looking and more authentic, owns a unicycle and even goes as far to have a bag filled with boxes of candy canes. This man's attention to detail at such a mundane job is unprecedented.
So, what did he do one fateful morning at 7:30AM? He followed a 12-year-old girl while she was walking to school and told her to come towards him. When she didn't, he ran after her and grabbed her by the arm. Thankfully, she was able to get away... but not before he tried grabbing her again. She wrestled free and ran for it, finding safety in a convenience store.
As for Santa, he hopped onto a public bus as soon as she got away. He was apprehended shortly after because public transportation is probably the worst getaway vehicle you could possibly take. Oh right, and he was also completely unmissable since he was still wearing a full Santa suit (while holding his unicycle and carrying a huge bag with candy in it.)
I would've just taken the unicycle if I were him.
Click here for the full story.
Santa Drugs People In Berlin
Christmas is a huge holiday in America, but it is even larger abroad. In Germany, outdoor markets are held throughout December for people to sell their wares and spirits and for everyone to have a holly, jolly good time. Some people, sadly, just want to ruin that for everyone by drugging strangers while dressed as Santa Claus.
At a Christmas market in Berlin in December of 2011, a 15-year old girl and her friend were accosted by a man, offering them shots of alcohol. The friend refused, while the girl took both shots. Shortly after, she began to vomit uncontrollably and had to be hospitalized. This is the latest in a series of events, where over 8 have fallen victim to a man offering them free booze in a Santa suit, asking revelers to help him in celebrating the birth of his son.
Don't people know that the only birth you're supposed to celebrate over this season is Christ's? Serves 'em right.
Santa Sends Naughty Cards to Children
Each year, the Canada Post has a "write to Santa" program for all the kids in Ottawa. In 2007, the Post was forced to shut down the program after 10 letters from "Santa" that weren't so nice were sent back from kids in the Province. Each year, there is a form letter sent to all the kids, with a personalized "P.S." That year, 2-year-old Maya Da Costa's read "This letter is too long, you dumb s**t." Her 10-year old brother Colton's message was even worse, "Your mom sucks dick and your Dad is gay."
Needless to say, Rosalyn, mother of Maya and Colton, immediately called the Post and they were just as surprised and disgusted as she was. The program was briefly shut down and the postal service was notified not to deliver any more letters, until new letters had been written and checked by staff and volunteers.
This isn't an isolated incident with the Canada Post, however. Previous traumatic letters included one in 1999 where Santa called one child a "greedy little boy."
Click here for full story.
Coca-Cola Santa Reduces Girl to Tears
Be careful what you say around 4-year-olds as they do not come stocked with a sarcasm detector and are waiting until they're six to install the appropriate patch. Otherwise, you'll be an a-hole, just like our next Santa!
Brooke Rarity was stoked that she was going to meet the big man in red himself, and she knew exactly what she was going to request from Santa Claus for Christmas, too! Well, at least the color. "Anything pink" was going to be her request, until the moment came and Jolly ol' Saint Nick turned out to be neither jolly nor saintly in her eyes.
"I recognize you," he says to the hopeful little girl. "Are you Brooke? I hear you’re on the Naughty List."
And like that, the girl was reduced to tears, fearful that she had not been good this year and would no longer receive any presents. Her mother assured her that she had been nice and would receive presents. Shortly after the incident a complaint was filed with Coca-Cola.
Click here for full story.
50 Foot Santa on Fire
There is no Santa Claus in Santa Caterina, Brazil after a 2009 holiday display suddenly burst into flames moments after its unveiling. Parents and children fled in horror as the spirit of Christmas incinerated before their very eyes. Aside from negligence, there is no known reason for why Father Christmas caught on fire. Perhaps he was trying out to be the next drummer of Spinal Tap?
Click here for more pictures, you sick bastard.
Mall Santa Choke Out
In 1994 in Florida, while doing his annual Christmas Eve duty of listening to every kid in the Kissimee area tell him what they hope to see under their trees the next morning, Santa caught a 15-year-old flipping him the bird. Enraged from the stress of making lists and checking them twice and the temptation of sweet milk and cookies, Santa Claus left his chair and ran after the boy. Upon catching him, it was reported that Santa choked the teenager until he literally began to turn purple.
The reason why the kid disrespected Santa in the first place? He never got any good presents as a kid. Looks like that isn't going to change any, as he no doubt was put on the perpetual Naughty Hit List.
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All of these events have been pretty trying and traumatic. But how would you feel if you witnessed Santa's death, first hand?
Pretty poorly, I'd imagine. Well, that's what happened at a 2006 Christmas party in England. Children were happily receiving gifts and enjoying the alcohol-free egg nog and apple cider, when 86-year old Andrew Robertson was suddenly taken ill and died. Not to alarm the kiddos, parents took him to a side room and tried to have him revived as they waited for the paramedics. He was pronounced dead upon the medics' arrival.
As the children watched Santa taken away in the ambulance, one child asked, "How are we going to get our presents next week if Father Christmas is ill?" Way to keep your priorities in order, punk.
Click here for full story.