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Men With Wounded Penises or No Testicles Are Not Allowed in Church"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."(Deuteronomy 23:1)
First of all, yes, the King James Bible actually calls them "stones." You are now aware of the fact that the "stones" euphemism is a Biblical reference.
Also, God hates people with testicular cancer, apparently.
If it wasn't already bad enough that these poor dudes have wounded stones and members, it turns out that if they choose to practice proper Christianity they can never go to church again? That's balls.
So the context of this passage is actually that people should be without blemish and should generally be "perfect" so that they can procreate well and contribute to the Lord's congregation by being fruitful and multiplying, so it makes sense that having a working pair of stones is necessary... it's just pretty brutal if you have no control over losing your "stones."
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Either way, if someone ever tries to debate that "we are all God's children" kindly remind them that if you're in any way missing your goods, you're pretty much screwed. If you have testicular cancer, according to The Bible, you really shouldn't bother praying for yourself.
Also, new rule: according to this rule, if someone kicks you in the balls in church, in addition to being in extreme pain, in order to be polite, you have to walk all the way outside until the pain subsides (and rises to your stomach.)
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Women Will Never Teach or Have Authority Over Men"I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Timothy 2:11
This is the most often quoted version of this passage, but in The King James Bible, it goes a little bit more like this...
"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection." which has been translated and taken as the primary passage that doesn't allow women to be preachers. The whole section is really about women not being able to "malign the word of God" if they're not allowed to speak.
Keep in mind the first "big bad" antagonist in The Bible is women, as a sex.
So, since some woman allegedly bit into a delicious looking fruit at some point thousands of years ago, best to attribute one action to an entire sex (just to be safe.)
While this is a little brutal, bringing up this passage to someone who looks like these fine ladies to your left will most likely shut them up (or at the very least garner a really interesting response.)
All women holding up hateful signs are officially moot in the eyes of God, much like they are in the eyes of the rational, so hey, there's a good side to this rule.
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Divorce and Remarrying Are Both Considered Adultery"Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery." (Luke 16:18)
Ooookay, so no church should ever marry people who have already been married if this is the rule.
If anyone in a fundamentalist's family has ever been divorced or re-married, then they are going to hell.
Most people don't observe this rule because it clearly says in The Bible that you can pick and choose which rules you follow (it doesn't.)
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According to this passage, all members of the congregation that have been divorced and/or remarried would be sinners and should be kicked out of the church. With a 50% divorce rate in America, it's safe to say that people are selectively ignoring this rule, yet somehow still seeing themselves as "pious."
Just because you're not deeply religious does not mean you're not a good person, and what people are really effectively doing in ignoring certain rules of Christianity is not only proving that exact point, but proving that they believe it.
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No Bastards May Enter the Church"A bitched shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2)
A bitched is someone who was born outside of wedlock, which means you were born before your parents were married. Being born out of wedlock makes you filthy, apparently; so filthy in fact that it takes ten genetic steps down the line to wash how filthy it makes you.
So your family's 100% awesome to come to church in like a century or two if you're a bitched, which I guess is fair.
Wait, but what if your dad abandoned you and your mom after she had given birth to you... that means you're going to be held responsible and deprived of God's love... which...
Wow, this means that Christian orphanages are hypocritical institutions if they're taking these kids to church. Brutal.
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After bringing up the point about orphanages, it's time to take a survey of the church just to make sure there aren't evil, lurking, dirty bitcheds in there ruining the holy juice for everyone.
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Even A Look Counts As Adultery"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)
Even looking at the video preview below, most guys reading this list are now not sin-free.
It's pretty safe to say every adult (and God knows, every teenager), has committed adultery by this standard.
Being attracted to the opposite sex is part of humanity. Law in Western society only prosecutes bad actions -- not bad thoughts, but that's not the way it's supposed to go.
How to Use:
Bring around some pictures from Men's Health for the women and some Maxim, perhaps some Playboy, for the men. Get them to look at it and give you an opinion. Most of the time, they will have lustful descriptions and will think nothing of it when they're really violated a cut and dry part of what is supposed to be their belief system. Feel free to shout things like "ADULTERER!" after Gerard Butler and Jessica Alba have made everyone into adequate sinners.
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Women Must Cover Their Hair During Prayer"But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head..." 1 Corinthians 11:5
Wait, so why the hell wasn't I allowed to wear hats in church?
Fundamentalist Christian women seem to have forgotten this basic rule of church attire reminiscent of Islam. The Bible should have clarified what it means to dishonoureth one's head. Most women walk around with their hair uncovered in all styles in modern society and men aren't having too much trouble keeping it in their pants.
How to Use
Mary always wore a veil... why shouldn't they?
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