- 1+ 269- 87
Men With Wounded Penises or No Testicles Are Not Allowed in Church
"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."(Deuteronomy 23:1)
First of all, yes, the King James Bible actually calls them "stones." You are now aware of the fact that the "stones" euphemism is a Biblical reference.
Also, God hates people with testicular cancer, apparently.
If it wasn't already bad enough that these poor dudes have wounded stones and members, it turns out that if they choose to practice proper Christianity they can never go to church again? That's balls.
So the context of this passage is actually that people should be without blemish and should generally be "perfect" so that they can procreate well and contribute to the Lord's congregation by being fruitful and multiplying, so it makes sense that having a working pair of stones is necessary... it's just pretty brutal if you have no control over losing your "stones."
How to Use:
Either way, if someone ever tries to debate that "we are all God's children" kindly remind them that if you're in any way missing your goods, you're pretty much screwed. If you have testicular cancer, according to The Bible, you really shouldn't bother praying for yourself.
Also, new rule: according to this rule, if someone kicks you in the balls in church, in addition to being in extreme pain, in order to be polite, you have to walk all the way outside until the pain subsides (and rises to your stomach.)
- 2+ 353- 155
Women Will Never Teach or Have Authority Over Men
"I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Timothy 2:11
This is the most often quoted version of this passage, but in The King James Bible, it goes a little bit more like this...
"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection." which has been translated and taken as the primary passage that doesn't allow women to be preachers. The whole section is really about women not being able to "malign the word of God" if they're not allowed to speak.
Keep in mind the first "big bad" antagonist in The Bible is women, as a sex.
So, since some woman allegedly bit into a delicious looking fruit at some point thousands of years ago, best to attribute one action to an entire sex (just to be safe.)
While this is a little brutal, bringing up this passage to someone who looks like these fine ladies to your left will most likely shut them up (or at the very least garner a really interesting response.)
All women holding up hateful signs are officially moot in the eyes of God, much like they are in the eyes of the rational, so hey, there's a good side to this rule.
- 3+ 225- 86
Divorce and Remarrying Are Both Considered Adultery
"Whosoever putteth away his wife, and marrieth another, committeth adultery: and whosoever marrieth her that is put away from her husband committeth adultery." (Luke 16:18)
Ooookay, so no church should ever marry people who have already been married if this is the rule.
If anyone in a fundamentalist's family has ever been divorced or re-married, then they are going to hell.
Most people don't observe this rule because it clearly says in The Bible that you can pick and choose which rules you follow (it doesn't.)
How to Use:
According to this passage, all members of the congregation that have been divorced and/or remarried would be sinners and should be kicked out of the church. With a 50% divorce rate in America, it's safe to say that people are selectively ignoring this rule, yet somehow still seeing themselves as "pious."
Just because you're not deeply religious does not mean you're not a good person, and what people are really effectively doing in ignoring certain rules of Christianity is not only proving that exact point, but proving that they believe it.
- 4+ 225- 97
No Bastards May Enter the Church
"A bitched shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord; even to his tenth generation shall he not enter into the congregation of the Lord." (Deuteronomy 23:2)
A bitched is someone who was born outside of wedlock, which means you were born before your parents were married. Being born out of wedlock makes you filthy, apparently; so filthy in fact that it takes ten genetic steps down the line to wash how filthy it makes you.
So your family's 100% awesome to come to church in like a century or two if you're a bitched, which I guess is fair.
Wait, but what if your dad abandoned you and your mom after she had given birth to you... that means you're going to be held responsible and deprived of God's love... which...
Wow, this means that Christian orphanages are hypocritical institutions if they're taking these kids to church. Brutal.
How to Use:
After bringing up the point about orphanages, it's time to take a survey of the church just to make sure there aren't evil, lurking, dirty bitcheds in there ruining the holy juice for everyone.
- 5+ 161- 73
Even A Look Counts As Adultery
"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)
Even looking at the video preview below, most guys reading this list are now not sin-free.
It's pretty safe to say every adult (and God knows, every teenager), has committed adultery by this standard.
Being attracted to the opposite sex is part of humanity. Law in Western society only prosecutes bad actions -- not bad thoughts, but that's not the way it's supposed to go.
How to Use:
Bring around some pictures from Men's Health for the women and some Maxim, perhaps some Playboy, for the men. Get them to look at it and give you an opinion. Most of the time, they will have lustful descriptions and will think nothing of it when they're really violated a cut and dry part of what is supposed to be their belief system. Feel free to shout things like "ADULTERER!" after Gerard Butler and Jessica Alba have made everyone into adequate sinners.
- 6+ 145- 66
If You Disobey God, You Will Eat Your Babies
If in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters."(Leviticus 26:27-30)
If you break even a single one of these rules, you need to eat your children. Doesn't matter how old they are, doesn't matter what you do, but if you disobey God and his ways, he's going to wreak some serious havoc.
In this part of Leviticus, it's really God making a bunch of
threatsrules and maybe he just got a little out of hand, but yes, he says that if you disobey him, he's gonna make you eat your kids.
How to Use:
You might as well put on the Food Network, get some good recipes ready and hand them to someone next time a Christian fundamentalist tries to pull their piety card out. If they're not following this rule, then why follow rules that allow hate towards people different than they are?
- 7+ 139- 63
Women Must Cover Their Hair During Prayer
"But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head..." 1 Corinthians 11:5
Wait, so why the hell wasn't I allowed to wear hats in church?
Fundamentalist Christian women seem to have forgotten this basic rule of church attire reminiscent of Islam. The Bible should have clarified what it means to dishonoureth one's head. Most women walk around with their hair uncovered in all styles in modern society and men aren't having too much trouble keeping it in their pants.
How to Use
Mary always wore a veil... why shouldn't they?
- 8+ 98- 42
Giving Birth to a Daughter Makes You Unclean for 66 Days
"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days." (Leviticus 12:5)
People should hold signs that say "God Hates Women" because it really will be the most accurate Christian sign you could ever make.
God made the one thing women were actually appreciated for, the ability to give birth to life, a dirty act.
When women give birth to their children at the hospital now, they are immediately handed their child because that's what you want to do when you pop out a kid after carrying it for nine months in your belly -- not go through 66 days of church-mandated shame.
How to Use:
Next time one of your devout relatives or someone who always thinks they're right during religious debates has a daughter, politely bring up the fact that in the eyes of God, the mother is a dirty whore who needs to wait 66 days before being allowed anywhere near anything clean ever again.
She should probably also shower regularly.
- 9+ 87- 34
Love Thy Neighbor. Seriously.v
"Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke [reason with] thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19: 17-18)
This pretty much means that every single Westboro Baptist Church protest is inherently Un-Christian.
The Westboro Baptist Church, based in Topeka, Kansas has clearly forgotten this guideline, which is much more explicit than anti-homosexual Biblical references. The church is famous for being a hate group that protests at homosexuals' funerals and has nothing but contempt for any other religion besides its own. The church is using technology to hate on homosexuals through their website, godhatesf*gs.com and has a travel budget of over $200,000 to picket and disrupt funerals all over the country.
They protest military funerals (protest in their context actually means "harass") and make one of the worst days of these people's lives even worse. This is what they do as a primary form of "activism."
The scariest part is that these people actually procreate. They have kids holding up hateful signs and they teach their children the opposite of Christian values.
They have effectively made hate speech accepted and legal by slapping the word "church" on their group, which is probably the smartest thing they've ever done.
But if The Lord says love they neighbor, then what book are they reading?
How to Use:
Simply bring up the fact that all hate speech is inherently Un-Christian.
- 10+ 121- 60
A Woman's Punishment For Defending Her Husband = Cut Off Her Hand
"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
Okay this one is insanely specific, which makes it that much more awesome. This probably NEVER happens... but if a faithful wife decided to defend her husband by grabbing a guy by his junk, anyone, would have God's blessing to cut her hand off.
How to Use:
Alright, so in the extremely rare case that you might witness something like this happening and you know everyone involved is a devout Christian, then politely recommend the woman's hand be cut off -- just to save her (and them) from an eternity of Hellfire.
And once again, here's another rule that illustrates the point that if people were better Christians, we'd have a lot more handless people walking around. If people were much better Christians, then pirate hook sales would go through the roof (and we'd probably have designer hooks as a driving force of our economy.)
- 11+ 98- 46
Discipline Your Little Ones
"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." (Psalm 137:9)
The Bible encourages disciplining your child... by throwing him against a stone wall, baby!
Doing so will apparently make you "happy" (if you're a sadistic psychopath, or if you hate your children.)
This is a dangerous encouragement of violence against helpless children and if followed, could easily be used to justify parents who shake their kids to death to make them stop crying or for simply just child abuse.
How to Use:
So next time someone's trying to prove that every passage of The Bible is beautiful and should be closely followed, ask them if they beat their kids.
- 12+ 94- 48
If Your Brother Dies, You Need to Bang His Wife
"Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man's brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother." (Mark 12:19)
Moses, the prophet who delivered his fellow Jews from a wicked Egyptian tyrant and led them across the parted Red Sea, had apparently told this speaker that if a woman is widowed, her late husband's brother should sleep with her and produce heirs for his brother. From a traveling crowd of people that were homeless for 40 years, this actually makes sense... but not so much for this day and age.
Picture that -- a grieving widow is visited by her husband's brother to have sex the night of the funeral.
How to Use:
repopulating simply to have heirs doesn't exist as a valid concept anymore. Plenty of couples are choosing not to reproduce at all and with a recession and climate crisis on our hands, they're doing the world a favor. If this rule has been allowed to become obsolete, why not others that ruin people's lives?
- 13+ 94- 49
Your Family Is Your Enemy and You Are All Competing for God's Love
"For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:35-27)
So believing in God, according to the Bible, is like a life-or-death game of Family Double Dare, only instead of having color-coded teams it's every man (woman and child) for themselves.
How to Use:
So next time someone says "family first" it's probably them tricking you into loving God less than you should, just so you'll go to hell and they won't. So, according to The Bible every time a mother tells her child that family is the most important thing in the world, they're really condemning their child to an eternity of fire, brimstone and suffering.
So, once again, all you need to do to prove this point in front of anyone is really just to ask them about their family and what's most important to them.
- 14+ 75- 34
Cursing At Your Parents Warrants Death
"For every one that curseth his father or his mother shall be surely put to death: he hath cursed his father or his mother; his blood shall be upon him." (Leviticus 20:9)
If every kid in America who cursed at his parents was killed, we'd have to worry about repopulating the country. Every day.
So, really all you'll have to do to silence any screaming protester outside an abortion clinic, military funeral, or even a family member that's being a little too smug about their religious beliefs is ask them how their parents are doing.
The context of this forgotten rule is all part of Christianity's established hierarchy, which gives parents absolute power over their children, and all men power over women. So if you're a father, you really have more power than pretty much everyone on earth except God.
How to Use:
Try bringing this up in front of a man's wife or children, see how that goes.
- 15+ 73- 35
Deformed People Cannot Approach Godv
"For whatsoever man he be that hath a blemish, he shall not approach: a blind man, or a lame, or he that hath a flat nose, or any thing superfluous, Or a man that is brokenfooted, or brokenhanded, Or crookbackt, or a dwarf, or that hath a blemish in his eye, or be scurvy, or scabbed, or hath his stones broken. No man that hath a blemish of the seed of Aaron the priest shall come nigh to offer the offerings of the Lord made by fire: he hath a blemish; he shall not come nigh to offer the bread of his God." (Leviticus 21:18-21)
Apparently, God reads US Weekly and takes it to heart. Although since he is all knowing and all powerful, then that also means that he reads every magazine ever written.
So it theoretically isn't an untrue statement that yes, God reads Out Magazine.
According to The Bible, people who are born with or acquire defects throughout their lives should not approach the altar of a Church to make an offering to God because they "hath a blemish."
Christians are always saying God loves everyone but this list of "or"s excludes a whole group of people who actually have no control over what they look like most of the time.
From something as superficial as a flat nose to once again with the "broken stones" (Women may be inferior in God's eyes, but he sure knows how to make a man feel worthless.)
Congrats God, you've found a way to hold every disabled and unprotected person responsible for things out of their control and make them feel like crap about it.
How to Use:
If there's even one disabled person with a serious physical problem or deformity in the church, you need to remind the church goers that he needs to be removed if anyone's going to get any kind of legitimate praying, singing and donating done.
- 16+ 84- 45
Non-Virgins Are To Be Stoned (As in, with Rocks)
"But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel: Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." (Deuteronomy 22: 20-21)
The "father's house" in Paris Hilton's case would be any Hilton hotel, so we know that if fundamentalists were really taking everything the way "God" intended, then it should be a well-known and widespread Christian agenda to call for the public stoning of Paris Hilton.
Also, there are edge-cases where if a little girl has an accident or is injured during sports, The Bible says they should be stoned to death.
It's pretty well known that it's entirely possible (and not at all irregular) for a young woman's hymen to be accidentally broken due to accidents or even playing certain sports like gymnastics.
This also means that in order to enforce a rule like this, we'd need to have regular "Hymen Checks" at churches, but we don't, because we're human beings and we're trying to live in a little thing called "society."
So then why let this one slide and not things like gay marriage?
- 17+ 73- 45
If You Steal Something, or Sin in Any Way: Cut Off Your Hand
"And if thy hand offend thee, cut it off: it is better for thee to enter into life maimed, than having two hands to go into hell, into the fire that never shall be quenched." (Mark 9:43)
If your irresponsible hand reaches out all on its own to steal some sunglasses or touch another man's wife, the Bible requires you to cut it off. End of story. No more video games that aren't Atari.
How to Use:
So next time someone tells you that you're going to hell, ask them if they're free of sin, and if they believe that they aren't, then kindly request their hand. It's their duty to give it to you.
Kind of like in that one SNL skit where Chris Farley gets on a Japanese gameshow, where everyone has to cut their hands off when they get wrong answers.
Here's what true Christianity should look like:
- 18+ 68- 41
Invite Your Attacker To Beat You More
"But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also." (Matthew 5:39)
Really? "Please sir, may I have another?" is a Biblical rule? I thought it was just an S&M command.
How to Use
Passivity may be better than war and violence, but inviting someone to continue beating you seems a bit much. The best way to test this, of course, would be to openly attack someone and see if they pull a "please sir, may I have another?"
... This can't end well.
- 19+ 56- 34
No Sex During A Woman's Period
"...thou shalt not approach unto a woman to uncover her nakedness, as long as she is put apart for her uncleanness." (Leviticus 18:19)
No, this doesn't mean that guys aren't allowed around chicks that don't shower. That's fine (according to The Bible.) It means that when a woman is going through her "woman times" a man is not allowed to "approach" her, which in Biblespeak means sex -- much like "knowing" does.
This passage forbids men from sleeping with a woman on her period, which in the Bible is known as "uncleanness." That uncleanness is of course the means to human reproduction and has been known as the bane of female existence for causing monthly cramps, breakouts, mood swings and mass destruction.
Now, this is one to bring up to women because although a lot of people follow this rule anyway just for "hygenic" reasons (it's really hygenically fine, but some people are a little squeamish about blood), it's really a Bible passage telling men to stay away, and actively avoid women during a time in which they should probably be nurtured the most.
Now we've uncovered the secret mission of the Bible: pit men against women. Forever.
How to Use:
- 20+ 57- 36
Give A Thief Your Belongings
"And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also." (Matthew 5:40)
This passage feels like the one above, but it kind of has a twist. If someone steals something from you, you should hand over something else too. It's like a steal one-get one handed right to you offer.
How to Use:
Passages like these make it seem like God didn'thonestly grant his followers free will and in reality wants to turn them into obedient and mindless robots who can't think for themselves.
Either way, a good way to test this would be to steal something from a Christian and see if you get even more out of it.
... This can't end well.
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