- 6Up 49Down 22
Even A Look Counts As Adultery"But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart." (Matthew 5:28)
Even looking at the video preview below, most guys reading this list are now not sin-free.
It's pretty safe to say every adult (and God knows, every teenager), has committed adultery by this standard.
Being attracted to the opposite sex is part of humanity. Law in Western society only prosecutes bad actions -- not bad thoughts, but that's not the way it's supposed to go.
How to Use:
Bring around some pictures from Men's Health for the women and some Maxim, perhaps some Playboy, for the men. Get them to look at it and give you an opinion. Most of the time, they will have lustful descriptions and will think nothing of it when they're really violated a cut and dry part of what is supposed to be their belief system. Feel free to shout things like "ADULTERER!" after Gerard Butler and Jessica Alba have made everyone into adequate sinners.
- 7Up 36Down 13
If You Disobey God, You Will Eat Your BabiesIf in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters."(Leviticus 26:27-30)
If you break even a single one of these rules, you need to eat your children. Doesn't matter how old they are, doesn't matter what you do, but if you disobey God and his ways, he's going to wreak some serious havoc.
In this part of Leviticus, it's really God making a bunch of
threatsrules and maybe he just got a little out of hand, but yes, he says that if you disobey him, he's gonna make you eat your kids.
How to Use:
You might as well put on the Food Network, get some good recipes ready and hand them to someone next time a Christian fundamentalist tries to pull their piety card out. If they're not following this rule, then why follow rules that allow hate towards people different than they are?
- 8Up 58Down 31
A Woman's Punishment For Defending Her Husband = Cut Off Her Hand"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
Okay this one is insanely specific, which makes it that much more awesome. This probably NEVER happens... but if a faithful wife decided to defend her husband by grabbing a guy by his junk, anyone, would have God's blessing to cut her hand off.
How to Use:
Alright, so in the extremely rare case that you might witness something like this happening and you know everyone involved is a devout Christian, then politely recommend the woman's hand be cut off -- just to save her (and them) from an eternity of Hellfire.
And once again, here's another rule that illustrates the point that if people were better Christians, we'd have a lot more handless people walking around. If people were much better Christians, then pirate hook sales would go through the roof (and we'd probably have designer hooks as a driving force of our economy.)
- 9Up 32Down 11
Your Family Is Your Enemy and You Are All Competing for God's Love"For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:35-27)
So believing in God, according to the Bible, is like a life-or-death game of Family Double Dare, only instead of having color-coded teams it's every man (woman and child) for themselves.
How to Use:
So next time someone says "family first" it's probably them tricking you into loving God less than you should, just so you'll go to hell and they won't. So, according to The Bible every time a mother tells her child that family is the most important thing in the world, they're really condemning their child to an eternity of fire, brimstone and suffering.
So, once again, all you need to do to prove this point in front of anyone is really just to ask them about their family and what's most important to them.
- 10Up 40Down 18
Men With Wounded Penises or No Testicles Are Not Allowed in Church"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."(Deuteronomy 23:1)
First of all, yes, the King James Bible actually calls them "stones." You are now aware of the fact that the "stones" euphemism is a Biblical reference.
Also, God hates people with testicular cancer, apparently.
If it wasn't already bad enough that these poor dudes have wounded stones and members, it turns out that if they choose to practice proper Christianity they can never go to church again? That's balls.
So the context of this passage is actually that people should be without blemish and should generally be "perfect" so that they can procreate well and contribute to the Lord's congregation by being fruitful and multiplying, so it makes sense that having a working pair of stones is necessary... it's just pretty brutal if you have no control over losing your "stones."
How to Use:
Either way, if someone ever tries to debate that "we are all God's children" kindly remind them that if you're in any way missing your goods, you're pretty much screwed. If you have testicular cancer, according to The Bible, you really shouldn't bother praying for yourself.
Also, new rule: according to this rule, if someone kicks you in the balls in church, in addition to being in extreme pain, in order to be polite, you have to walk all the way outside until the pain subsides (and rises to your stomach.)
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