- 7+ 80- 38
If You Disobey God, You Will Eat Your BabiesIf in spite of this you still do not listen to me but continue to be hostile toward me, 28 then in my anger I will be hostile toward you, and I myself will punish you for your sins seven times over. 29 You will eat the flesh of your sons and the flesh of your daughters."(Leviticus 26:27-30)
If you break even a single one of these rules, you need to eat your children. Doesn't matter how old they are, doesn't matter what you do, but if you disobey God and his ways, he's going to wreak some serious havoc.
In this part of Leviticus, it's really God making a bunch of
threatsrules and maybe he just got a little out of hand, but yes, he says that if you disobey him, he's gonna make you eat your kids.
How to Use:
You might as well put on the Food Network, get some good recipes ready and hand them to someone next time a Christian fundamentalist tries to pull their piety card out. If they're not following this rule, then why follow rules that allow hate towards people different than they are?
- 8+ 61- 27
Your Family Is Your Enemy and You Are All Competing for God's Love"For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law. And a man's foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." (Matthew 10:35-27)
So believing in God, according to the Bible, is like a life-or-death game of Family Double Dare, only instead of having color-coded teams it's every man (woman and child) for themselves.
How to Use:
So next time someone says "family first" it's probably them tricking you into loving God less than you should, just so you'll go to hell and they won't. So, according to The Bible every time a mother tells her child that family is the most important thing in the world, they're really condemning their child to an eternity of fire, brimstone and suffering.
So, once again, all you need to do to prove this point in front of anyone is really just to ask them about their family and what's most important to them.
- 9+ 55- 24
Love Thy Neighbor. Seriously."Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thine heart: thou shalt in any wise rebuke [reason with] thy neighbour, and not suffer sin upon him. Thou shalt not avenge, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the Lord." (Leviticus 19: 17-18)
This pretty much means that every single Westboro Baptist Church protest is inherently Un-Christian.
The Westboro Baptist Church, based in Topeka, Kansas has clearly forgotten this guideline, which is much more explicit than anti-homosexual Biblical references. The church is famous for being a hate group that protests at homosexuals' funerals and has nothing but contempt for any other religion besides its own. The church is using technology to hate on homosexuals through their website, godhatesf*gs.com and has a travel budget of over $200,000 to picket and disrupt funerals all over the country.
They protest military funerals (protest in their context actually means "harass") and make one of the worst days of these people's lives even worse. This is what they do as a primary form of "activism."
The scariest part is that these people actually procreate. They have kids holding up hateful signs and they teach their children the opposite of Christian values.
They have effectively made hate speech accepted and legal by slapping the word "church" on their group, which is probably the smartest thing they've ever done.
But if The Lord says love they neighbor, then what book are they reading?
How to Use:
Simply bring up the fact that all hate speech is inherently Un-Christian.
- 10+ 81- 46
A Woman's Punishment For Defending Her Husband = Cut Off Her Hand"When men strive together one with another, and the wife of the one draweth near for to deliver her husband out of the hand of him that smiteth him, and putteth forth her hand, and taketh him by the secrets: Then thou shalt cut off her hand, thine eye shall not pity her." (Deuteronomy 25:11-12)
Okay this one is insanely specific, which makes it that much more awesome. This probably NEVER happens... but if a faithful wife decided to defend her husband by grabbing a guy by his junk, anyone, would have God's blessing to cut her hand off.
How to Use:
Alright, so in the extremely rare case that you might witness something like this happening and you know everyone involved is a devout Christian, then politely recommend the woman's hand be cut off -- just to save her (and them) from an eternity of Hellfire.
And once again, here's another rule that illustrates the point that if people were better Christians, we'd have a lot more handless people walking around. If people were much better Christians, then pirate hook sales would go through the roof (and we'd probably have designer hooks as a driving force of our economy.)
- 11+ 55- 28
If Your Brother Dies, You Need to Bang His Wife"Master, Moses wrote unto us, If a man's brother die, and leave his wife behind him, and leave no children, that his brother should take his wife, and raise up seed unto his brother." (Mark 12:19)
Moses, the prophet who delivered his fellow Jews from a wicked Egyptian tyrant and led them across the parted Red Sea, had apparently told this speaker that if a woman is widowed, her late husband's brother should sleep with her and produce heirs for his brother. From a traveling crowd of people that were homeless for 40 years, this actually makes sense... but not so much for this day and age.
Picture that -- a grieving widow is visited by her husband's brother to have sex the night of the funeral.
How to Use:
repopulating simply to have heirs doesn't exist as a valid concept anymore. Plenty of couples are choosing not to reproduce at all and with a recession and climate crisis on our hands, they're doing the world a favor. If this rule has been allowed to become obsolete, why not others that ruin people's lives?
- 12+ 55- 28
Giving Birth to a Daughter Makes You Unclean for 66 Days"But if she bear a maid child, then she shall be unclean two weeks, as in her separation: and she shall continue in the blood of her purifying threescore and six days." (Leviticus 12:5)
People should hold signs that say "God Hates Women" because it really will be the most accurate Christian sign you could ever make.
God made the one thing women were actually appreciated for, the ability to give birth to life, a dirty act.
When women give birth to their children at the hospital now, they are immediately handed their child because that's what you want to do when you pop out a kid after carrying it for nine months in your belly -- not go through 66 days of church-mandated shame.
How to Use:
Next time one of your devout relatives or someone who always thinks they're right during religious debates has a daughter, politely bring up the fact that in the eyes of God, the mother is a dirty whore who needs to wait 66 days before being allowed anywhere near anything clean ever again.
She should probably also shower regularly.
L The List