atheism The Top 20 Bible Passages to Use Against Fundamentalists  

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List of crazy Bible verses to shoot back at your Fundamentalist neighbors, ranked by how insane they are, especially in the context of modern life. Just because a verse is not a Commandment doesn't mean it's not in The Bible. Fundamentalists hold the most extreme and literal interpretations of The Bible, and many are quick to point you to a Bible passage for proof that the deeds of others are "evil." Want reason to think that homosexuality is abominable and condemns you to Hell? Check The Bible. Want to think molesting children is fine? The Bible says that's no problem - as long as you say some words quietly into your hands. Conveniently, Fundies ignore some of the most straightforward rules for no reason other than that they just don't fit in with the type of society they want. So, here are those forgotten Christian rules that need to be followed if they're really going to stick to their guns on the whole gay marriage, abortion, and child molestation thing.

DISCLAIMER: This list isn't meant as a hateful gesture towards Christians, but a way to fight irrational responses in debates with (fun) facts.

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Men With Wounded or Missing Male Parts Are Not Allowed in Church


Men With Wounded or Missing Ma... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list The Top 20 Bible Passages to Use Against Fundamentalists
Photo:  uploaded by Ivana Wynn

"He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the Lord."(Deuteronomy 23:1)

First of all, yes, the King James Bible actually calls them "stones." You are now aware of the fact that the "stones" euphemism is a Biblical reference.

Also, God hates people with testicular cancer, apparently.

If it wasn't already bad enough that these poor dudes have wounded stones and members, it turns out that if they choose to practice proper Christianity they can never go to church again? That's balls.

So the context of this passage is actually that people should be without blemish and should generally be "perfect" so that they can procreate well and contribute to the Lord's congregation by being fruitful and multiplying, so it makes sense that having a working pair of stones is necessary... it's just pretty brutal if you have no control over losing your "stones."

How to Use:
Either way, if someone ever tries to debate that "we are all God's children" kindly remind them that if you're in any way missing your goods, you're pretty much screwed. If you have testicular cancer, according to The Bible, you really shouldn't bother praying for yourself.

Also, new rule: according to this rule, if someone kicks you in the balls in church, in addition to being in extreme pain, in order to be polite, you have to walk all the way outside until the pain subsides (and rises to your stomach.)
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Women Will Never Teach or Have Authority Over Men


Women Will Never Teach or Have... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list The Top 20 Bible Passages to Use Against Fundamentalists
Photo:  uploaded by Ivana Wynn
"I permit no woman to teach or have authority over men; she is to keep silent." Timothy 2:11

This is the most often quoted version of this passage, but in The King James Bible, it goes a little bit more like this...

"Let the woman learn in silence with all subjection." which has been translated and taken as the primary passage that doesn't allow women to be preachers. The whole section is really about women not being able to "malign the word of God" if they're not allowed to speak.

Keep in mind the first "big bad" antagonist in The Bible is women, as a gender.

So, since some woman allegedly bit into a delicious looking fruit at some point thousands of years ago, best to attribute one action to an entire gender (just to be safe.)

While this is a little brutal, bringing up this passage to someone who looks like these fine ladies to your left will most likely shut them up (or at the very least garner a really interesting response.)

All women holding up hateful signs are officially moot in the eyes of God, much like they are in the eyes of the rational, so hey, there's a good side to this rule.
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Discipline Your Little Ones


Discipline Your Little Ones is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list The Top 20 Bible Passages to Use Against Fundamentalists
Photo:  uploaded by Ivana Wynn

"Happy shall he be, that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones." (Psalm 137:9)

The Bible encourages disciplining your child... by throwing him against a stone wall, baby!

Doing so will apparently make you "happy" (if you're a sadistic psychopath, or if you hate your children.)

This is a dangerous encouragement of violence against helpless children and if followed, could easily be used to justify parents who shake their kids to death to make them stop crying or for simply just child abuse.

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So next time someone's trying to prove that every passage of The Bible is beautiful and should be closely followed, ask them if they beat their kids.
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Women Must Cover Their Hair During Prayer


Women Must Cover Their Hair Du... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list The Top 20 Bible Passages to Use Against Fundamentalists
Photo:  uploaded by Ivana Wynn
"But every woman that prayeth or prophesieth with her head uncovered dishonoureth her head..." 1 Corinthians 11:5

Wait, so why the hell wasn't I allowed to wear hats in church?

Fundamentalist Christian women seem to have forgotten this basic rule of church attire reminiscent of Islam. The Bible should have clarified what it means to dishonoureth one's head. Most women walk around with their hair uncovered in all styles in modern society and men aren't having too much trouble keeping it in their pants.

How to Use
Mary always wore a veil... why shouldn't they?