An Accessory for Your Dog's Twitter Account
The life of a dog is really interesting. So interesting that it has to try and do something to tell the world exactly how it feels.
With Puppy Tweets, a $30 device manufactured by Mattel, dogs all over the world can finally have their barks deciphered by wearing the nifty device on their collar.
Because that's all they've ever really wanted: a heavy object hanging from their already tight collar and a social media presence.
You have something "the matter" with you if not only have a Twitter account for your dog and actually update it, but also need a collar so that it can keep up with its own "Twitterstream."
Yes, this product is real.
The Dog Snuggie
Worried that evolution has completely forgotten about dogs and that you'll have to solve their "lack of adequate fur coat" problem? Well look no further than the Dog Snuggie. There's nothing that a hairy, evolutionarily adequate creature needs more than extra heat! Provide this for your dog, if you really love them, by getting them a fleece mumu.
It is available in four different sizes and in two different colors. Which means...large, medium, small and extra small dogs are all at risk of being put through this kind of treatment.
So, if you hate your dog (and yourself), buy the Snuggie For Dogs. At least you'll have each other.
Check out the infomercial below:
Thongs. Yes, They Made Thongs.
If Cisco was a dog, he'd have invented this. Scratch that, if Cisco had been smart he'd have invented this.
Boasting supreme comfort and "ease of movement," (and therefore, ostensibly, wiping out their many competitors) Thongs for Dogs are for accident-prone dogs who don't want to look stupid and, you know, pee on the carpet -- which is actually kind of a nifty device... but why in a thong?
Essentially diapers, the thongs feature a sanitary pad in the band that's easily replaced when soiled. The contraption is made of Spandex and comes in two styles, regular and bikini, as well as an array of colors.
Unfortunately for the target audience for this product, there's no catalog. At least let's hope not.
Sometimes fishes need some fresh air and to exercise their ability to not die of a heart attack due to their world literally being turned on its side.
Yes, this product is exactly what it sounds like: A walker so that you can "walk" your goldfish like you would your dog.
Mick Madden is the creator behind the goldfish walker, which he uses to take his pet goldfish out for a stroll in the sun. He said "I was looking at my goldfish going round in circles in their bowl looking bored silly so I made this to take them out and about and they love it."
Also, they go everywhere together.
To the park. To the pub. Even to the adult video store where he regularly picks up "the only women who love him for who he is."
Mink Coat... For Dogs
If humans have a hard time looking good naked, then dogs must have it hard too. See? This one's just science.
Or at least that's what the fine animal killers/lovers at Hartman & Rose (who are behind the $995 mink coat for dogs) must think.
The only really great thing about this product is the question of what PETA would do, if faced with a lone dog wearing this jacket. Sources say that PETA would actually implode and that all of its members would melt a the same time if ever faced with this conundrum.
Butt Covers. Finally.
Have you ever stared at a poop slowly emerging out of a dog's anus before plopping onto the soft, green grass?
I haven't. You have? That's gross, man, why are you even looking at that. You got problems.
Anyway, that experience is the reason this contraption exists. "Rear Gear" butt covers for dogs, a colorful placard that ties around the pup's tail and hides their hole from the public. Thank God that this problem is finally being tackled in our society because I was actually scared to take my children outdoors because of this... wait no, because of the people who will actually buy this.
A Dog Washing/Traumatization Machine
Nothing says "I love you" more to your pets than throwing them into a loud dark enclosed space with water pouring over them for the first half of 30 minutes and then wind-blowing them like a car you're too cheap to run on anything but the gas station washers.
Yes, washing dogs and cats can be annoying but treating them like dirty laundry is actually getting on the "cruel" side of things.
French entrepreneur Romain Jarry, however, disagrees, with his Dog-O-Matic that has already gained popularity in his home town city of Saint-Max. He insists that the dogs "just sit there and they come out clean" and hopes that the washing machine will be soon become available everywhere in England.
It costs about 13 pounds to wash a small dog, 22 pounds for a medium size dog and 31 pounds for the largest dogs -- not mention how much it'll cost to arrange a burial.
The Dog Sex Toy
Finally, the couch, your favorite childhood plushes and your father in-law's right leg can take a breather.
The doll even comes with some lube, so you can ensure your dog'll be yelping for joy. There are three sizes to pick from, small, medium and large, for the dogs who are used to banging Saint Bernards.
With the first sex doll for dogs by PetSmiling available for sale, dogs now have a new and more suitable object to make their sexual advances on. Appropriately called DoggieLoverDoll, the rubber toy is perfectly sized as a female canine and has a silicone vagina that's "easy to clean." Their words, not mine. No word yet on whether or not they will make one shaped like an overweight middle-aged human woman holding a spoonful of peanut butter.
Sparkling Water Just for Dogs
Everyone knows that dogs have a refined palate. Their anuses are a delicacy only rivaled by beluga caviar and certain cheeses found in small villages in France.
Which is why it totally makes sense to give them sparkling water. Because they need that. And there's nothing more common than a dog who's a stickler about water quality.
Australian pet company Pets Palace is selling a line of sparkling mineral water for dogs by the name of Bellaqua. It's $30 for a four-pack and each bottle is handcrafted out of handmade crystal and topped with white and blue jewels.
Unless the water tastes kind of like toilets, I'm not sure they're hitting their target audience.
No More Butts: The Dog Perfume
Long gone are the days when dogs used their most treasured, impressive and powerful sense: smell.
According to the law of the crazy people who will actually buy this stuff, dogs must now carry around with them a cloud of natural patchouli, mandarin and nutmeg oils. That's why the Sexy Beast Dog Perfume has stepped in and done just that. For $65, your dog will exude so such smoldering sex appeal that there will not be a dry leg in the house.
Tell your child's toys to wear jeans the day you bring this product home.
The Kitty Wig
Remember the karaoke scene in Lost in Translation?
Every cat's fantasy.
At least that's what Kitty Wigs, a company dedicated to making colorful wigs for cats, thinks. With four different colors and designs--Pink Passion, Bashful Blonde, Electric Blue and Silver Fox--running at $50 each.
Whenever I dress up my cat, my first thought is often of how I'm not reminded of Katy Perry's "California Girls" music video enough. Thank God for the saints at this company.
A Luxury Dog House
Dogs shouldn't have to share their owners' crappy one-bedroom apartments. Like everyone else, they need space. No, not a backyard or adequate living conditions where they can experience nature, dogs need luxury.
That's why luxury doghouses like the one in Gloucestershire, England is the perfect example of proper doggie living condition. There's everything: sheepskin-lined, temperature-controlled beds, a $25,000 sound system, a 52-inch plasma TV, automatic food and water dispensers and an 18-inch spa bath.
So, yes, there are dogs in the world living a lot better than over half of America's population.
The Dog Treadmill
Going outside to walk your dog is inconvenient. A person actually has to press pause on the remote control and get off the couch. And what does the American public look like to you, a triathlete?
The machine is available in different sizes to better match the breed of dog. Starting at $1,195 this treadmill will definitely do wonders for the muscles of that dog you're training to "get you off the streets" via Chinatown fights.
Probably the most unpleasant duty a dog owner has is picking up dog poop. It smells like sh*t, it's inconvenient and it is utterly unglamorous.
That's where the Magic Poop Collector comes in.
The gadget consists of a clear plastic disposable bag that attaches to the dog's rear end. When the dog is ready to go, it poops straight into the bag. Then, with a pull, the bag comes off of the dog and can go right in the trash.
Reason this one will work: because all dogs have perfect poop aim and are always standing up when they're doing it.
Gold-Threaded Pet Mattress
Based on the fact that pets are usually content with just sleeping on old, raggedy blankets (the more raggedy, the better), it's kind of a waste of money to buy them a $3,000 22k gold-thread mattress. Unless you wear XXXL sweaters with moons and a domesticated or mythical creature in the foreground, that is.
Hell, it's a waste of money to buy a 22k gold-thread human mattress, which by the way, Magniflex, the mattress company behind all this, also has.
Nail Pawlish. Get it?!
OPI is the all-star of professional nail care brands, so what makes more sense than to buy and use it on dogs? I mean, they were probably testing the stuff on less-cute animals and got this idea. Two birds, one stone!
With the tagline "Colors for nails...for those with tails!" OPI Pawlish Nail Polish isn't a product for the tragically deformed, it's a new beauty product that's all the rage with the psychologically questionable owners of the world. It has a one-coat, quick drying formula and comes in colors like "Bow Wow Green" and "Dog House Blues."
Next Up in Society's Idea Pile: The doggie Brazilian.
As Ink Queen Kat Von Dee says, tattoos are a way of self-expression. And few things on this earth spell out a loyal animal's thoughts and feelings more than some tribal thorns.
Created by the scientists at Pet Science Labs, Petattoos allow self-expression of the infertile owners who decide to stain their pets' skin for fun.
Check out the infomercial below for an idea of the "target demo" for this product and why they desperately need children:
If there's one thing that we, as animals, have completely effed ourselves over with, it's the way we choose to not just go wherever we want to go, like every other animal does.
Yet, there's Doogies' Litter Kwitter which calls itself "The Original Cat Toilet Training System." It's a kit that trains cats to use the house toilet.
Yes, your toilet. Your soon-to-be-covered-in-cat-hair toilet.
With an instructional video (available for you to watch below) to help ease your cat every step of the way, the Litter Kwitter has three attachable rings that represent three different stages in the potty training process. As the cat advances in its training, the rings decrease in litter and increase in hole size so as soon as you know it, you'll be waiting in line to do your own business behind a creature that doesn't even pay rent.
Watch the full infomercial:
To once again minimize any physical interaction between owners and pets, the GoDogGo Automatic Ball Launcher gives the remote control power to people tired of playing "catch" with their dogs. While being seated 30 feet away, the person can chuck balls at their pet with just one push of a button. Their hands won't get dirty, their arms won't be sore. They don't even really have to look.
Loophole in Ball Launcher's logic: people stll have to pet their dogs after the game. Next invention should be a dog petter -- THEN they'd have something!
Cat owners know that the little furballs go crazy for laser pointers. It's a typical scene: Owner takes out laser pointer and the cat practically bounces off the walls trying to chase the bright red dot. After ten minutes of pure joy, however, the game abruptly stops because the owner's arm is tired and sore. Boo.
FroliCat Bolt prevents this massive disappointment during animal playtime and allows cats to chase laser points for hours on end, so that they can develop an emotional bond with a machine that will just stop working after a while. The standing white machine creates random patterns all over room with its laser red beam.
Finally, something that eliminates any reason for people to have playful interaction with their pets. We're *this* close to inventing something that does that with human children (wait, they have, it's called television.)
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