- 1Imogen Thomas is a Goddess who shoots light out of her vagina (pronounced "va-HEE-nah" in Spanish) -- much like I hypothesized throughout my entire childhood.
This is the first thing you should look for in a wife.
She makes the list because she is flawless and knows how to hold her stuff up better than even the most expensive, on-sale bra anyone could ever buy on a whim.
Natasha BelleNatasha Belle has her own website named after her. She's one of those girls that probably has endless videos of her playing volleyball on her site. She probably also has endless videos of her lying around, reading through her texts for a monthly fee of $30 for really lonely dudes who can afford it and message her constantly asking for a video where she's playing a god damn video game but she doesn't answer for 6 months even though you've messaged her literally 30 times and now all the emails are bouncing back.
She belongs on this list because hotness.
Hailey from Hailey's HideawayShe's got that insanely adorable girl-next-door look that makes her one of the top choices for amazingly, disarmingly and just inappropriately hot girls on this list.
This is the bar, you guys.
Her gallery also features a lot more nudity (thanks to the see-thru rules which governs not only the internet, but magazine stands and therefore THE WORLD) than most Spank Banks.
She's really got everything going for her. I hope she runs for President.
This is what she looks like in clothes that she doesn't wear in public.
Kaya DanielleKaya Danielle is a great actress (for a non-actress that takes her clothes off for glorious, bikini-buying money).
She actually pulls off that look that you try and get out of most girls who have hot pictures taken of themselves for a living: terrified that you, the viewer, is even in the room.
She makes the list because she has a genuinely pretty face, and a highly photoshopped body which shows that she's not one of these fake-boobed girls where everything is plastic. She's a REAL woman. She should be in Dove commercials (I'm sorry, I don't really mean that Kaya, you're not fat).
Laura VinicombeThe greatest part about Laura Vincombe isn't the fact that she very frequently only shows one eye like that one Captain Planet "eco-villain" Dr. Blight, but that it looks like she's just some random college girl with fake boobs who happens to have met a lot of amateur "photographers" at parties willing to take pictures of her in various stages of undress (A.K.A. any single dude with a camera they feel guilty about spending too much money on). This is the only way that non-professional pictures of girls this hot are ever taken.
The way that she's hot and deserves to be on this list is really more mental than anything else. She wages psychological warfare on your man-peepee-parts, much like Dr. Blight from Captain Planet waged ecological warfare on Mother Gaia, Captain Planet, The Planeteers and the earth itself.
Yulia from Yulia's SecretYou know those girls that have a name that's very close to an American name, but they spell it slightly differently to seem more sophisticated? Well, Yulia's foreign enough so that her parents actually gave her this polarizing, confusing name that probably made her substitute teachers very nervous about getting made fun of. She's a weirdly-spelled almost-name O.G., I guess you could say (although you really, as a man or porn-seeking-lesbian, should never say that).
Yulia has that perfect "kind of uncomfortable so maybe the photographer had his penis out during the session" look on her face that makes all hand bras that much more defensive and therefore amazing (I promise all of you that I'm seeing a therapist).
Her hair and body also rule.
April CheryseApril Cheryse has two first names and two solid boobs. She's also not a natural blonde and enjoys pretending she's a powerless Spider-Man in photoshoots.
She also looks showing some top-butt in her photos, which makes her a saint in my book. This is why I'm not The Pope (yet).
Brittany HawkesBrittany Hawkes looks like her parents make a lot of money, which is intrinsically attractive to me because that seems like a great quality in a wife. The following is a gallery of her showing.
If there were a channel that cost just as much as HBO, but it would show her showering for 24 hours a day, I would watch it. Even after the 3rd season where he skin gets so prune-y that it starts to look like that horrible, acid-induced, Golden Girls fantasy you had at school in 11th grade am i right, fellas? This is relatable to everyone.
Cali LoganCali Logan is the most often featured girl on the Spank Bank of 2012. She has a whole bunch of sets on here and I'm trying to figure out what's so special about her other than her perfect lips or how well she balances on stiletto heels or how she uses palm fronds to cover her vajay while doing a really bad job at covering her boob-body-part-that-would-make-this-technically-nudity.
MiaMia makes the list because she's wearing a black leather mini skirt throughout the entire shoot. The entire shoot. Do you know how sweaty her boobs must be under there? <--- So the fact that I'm a horrible, lonely, sad human being is why she makes the list.
Also because I saw The Avengers 5 times in theatres this summer (which will be a dated reference if you read this after September of 2012, so hello from the past!)
The only bad part about her wearing this on a bed is that it would take you, her and her roommate (who's probably a dude) about 20 minutes to get her out of this outfit since it's leather. Trust me. I've been there.
Danica ThrallDanica Thrall obviously doesn't take very thorough baths. These things are just for relaxation.
In this photo gallery where Danica Thrall takes a bath naked (like ya do), she doesn't get her hair, neck, or the top of her boobs wet. But she's wearing a soapy-bubble bra that is just barely hanging on for dear life, much like a LEGO man would be if I were a toddler and were allowed to play on her boobs. That should would be cash.
SherraSherra has the cutest baby face in the world and she apparently likes hanging out on disgusting green couches that look like that one your grandma died on.
In the set featured on the Spank Bank on Gorillamask in 2012, she's pulling her pigtails, and then her bikini all the way off (I know that was phrased weird, but please rest assured that she does not pull her pigtails off in this set, this is not that kind of set).
She's absolutely adorable in all of these pictures. If it weren't for how classy the couch/background look I would be 100% sure that she has a father with a shotgun, chew and a limp waiting for you on the porch as you walk out of her room, ready to kill you on site.
Aki HoshimoAki Hoshimo has such an authentically-Japanese-sounding name that when you say it out loud it almost sounds like a racist impression.
Representing Asian women on this list, Aki Hoshino parades in a bikini around a house that looks like either the house from the end of Boogie Nights or the one where Woody Allen goes to an "LA Party" in Annie Hall.
Aki is adorable and has that look that companies try to reproduce in their Asian real dolls on a daily basis. She is a doll and belongs on this list because of her perfect body.
Hunter LeighHunter Leigh has the body of a Goddess. Her entire body is the same color and it doesn't look like a wallet you could buy for 20 pesos at the Mexican border that's made out of a dead, leathered frog.
her est features her straddling what looks like an ironing board, which is kind of offensive to me since I'm Hispanic and she looks kind of Hispanic too.
Kate from Kate's PlaygroundFor almost an entire decade, Kate from Kate's Playground has defied the amateur internet porn world with her relentless young looks and the fact that she only has two toes on her right foot.
She often makes list of the hottest girls with deformities for this very reason. And the fact that someone with that condition is not only one of the most well known girls to ever hit the amateur circuit, but that she's insanely hot and has had this much longevity makes her one of the greatest picks for the Spank Bank on Gorillamask not only this year, but in the history of the website.
NinaNina looks like she's really fun at parties and has a kiss tattoo on her butt (either that or the greatest birthmark of all time, next to mine which looks like a wiener but is right next to my wiener so that my hog looks bigger).
Nina colors her hair red and has arguably one of the hottest, most natural-looking sets of any Gorillamask Spank Bank this year.
Nicole SparksNicole Sparks looks tiny. She looks really, really tiny. There's just something about a girl who knows how to wear a dude's shirt.
Mar HummerHer last name is "Hummer" which makes this way too easy.
Sweet KrissySweet Krissy has the roundest parts in all the right places. When people talk about curves, this is what they mean when they don't mean "full-figured" women.
In this gallery she puts her boobs up on counters, squeezes them together, let's them dangle and generally spends as much time playing with them as I would if I switched bodies with a girl for a day.
KaitlynnKaitlynn is the kind of hot that you could actually go on a "date" with. Now, "date" is in quotes because it would just be a casual hangout for her after the dude she's banging cancels on her. You go thinking it's a date and you have an amazing day where she calls you "like a brother" at the end.
Is this sh*t too real? Yeah? That's because that's what Kaitlynn would do to you. Have fun using your tears for lube.
Sidenote: that is the cleanest, non-dusty steering wheel ever.