25. Tom Reed - Splinter Cell Conviction
So how do you screw up the most basic of all upper-crust male outfits, the black suit? Well we should ask the modelers at Ubisoft this very question, since I've seen the concept art for Tom Reed, the heavy of the game, and it looks pretty stylish.
No the failure here isn't at the conceptual level (with the exception of his eternally popped collar), but in the practical space. Once this guy's body had dimensions, the suit they threw on him no longer fit properly, and hence we get a villain who looks like a kid who raided his older brother's closet.
The Jacket's too big, the pants are too baggy. It just makes the character seem incredibly inept every time you look at him making every ounce of thread on his being an ounce of pity.
Sure, it would really not be much of a problem if he was almost any other character in the game, but when you're an important villain, it's kind of a problem if you dress like an NPC.
24. Bessie Kent - Dead Rising 2
While we're still in the realm of the practical outfits, let's take a walk over to Fortune City, where a bevy of NPC survivors provide us with - gah!? What the hell type of dress is that?
Bessie is apparently wearing some sort of dress that is trying to reinterpret the French flag, but even just draping the flag over yourself would look better than whatever the designers here decided to put all over this poor woman, which really ended up looking more like a Korean dry cleaners owner accidentally wearing something someone intentionally forgot in your store.
You meet Bessie here on a rescue mission where she and some other girls attempt to take advantage of the zombie outbreak to go shopping for shoes.
Let me tell you girl, shoes are the last thing you should be going shopping for.
23. Barry Wheeler - Alan Wake
Don't get me wrong - I love Barry! He's probably one of the main reasons to play Alan Wake; a rather endearing sidekick who sticks with our hero Alan "I'm a Writer" Wake throughout his adventures in the ironically named Bright Falls while hordes of shadow monsters try to kill them both. But you can tell the dud is single, and that no one in his life was helping him pick out his clothes:
Funnily enough though, as you progress through the game, Barry's outfit get's a tad bit worse- if more practical.
Since said monsters in Alan Wake are hurt by light, Barry gets a "bright" idea when he stumbles into a hardware store and covers himself up in Christmas tree lights!
It's an outfit that makes sense, but I definitely wouldn't recommend it for a night on the town. Or for cosplayers - and of course that's just bound to happen. . .
22. Lori Machete - Unbound Saga
Speaking of "bound" how about Unbound Saga? A little downloadable Brawler that came to Xbox LIVE arcade in 2010?
Now the main lead, Rick Ajax, definitely looks fairly ridiculous, but he ain't got nothing on his female sidekick, Lori Machete:
So yeah this game is like Final Fight, and apparently Lori here went to the "Poison" school of dressing and went with the "14 year old hooker in an 80s movie dystopia" look, deciding to show off pretty much every inch of her body she could get away with while wearing completely clashing mini-skirt, mini-shirt outfit and alternating pieces of stocking on the wrong appendages instead of making anything even slightly recognizable.
Then there's the fact that you can see the strings of her thong, which adds a whole new "Ke$ha video" class to the whole ensemble.
Now that's kind of the point of the characters in this game I guess, but Jesus, I just generally don't wake up in the morning and decide,"you know, I'd really like to take on the persona of a prostitute today!" Not every day... not every day...
21. Special Award - Worst Fake Mascot
Oddly enough, 2010 was a year of Mascots in videogames. I'm not talking the "corporate logo" kind you get with Mario or Sonic or Mickey Mouse or the Vault Boy, but of ACTUAL mascots in games. I'm talkin' about the kind that you see prancing around on the field next to the real athletes and acting like an ass, like the Southern Illinois Saluki .
Pretty much ALL of them are horrible:
First, we have Slappy from Dead Rising 2, and he's rather creepy- but it's a horror game, so we will let it pass (for something that's almost a direct ripoff of a Goosebumps book.)
Then we have the atrocity that was Bullseye - the Monday Night Combat Mascot, who started out a bit odd, but with later updates received an even more abhorrent color scheme:
Apparently we needed someone that works for Sprite on the weekends in this game.
But you know what, I gotta say, the most visually unappealing and aesthetically insulting mascot of last year had to be that Kinect Sports Carrot.
Not only does it look rather ludicrous with his head band AND head phones, but come on, who the hell buys an entire system with the first most logical game to get with it and then decides "hey, I'd love to be bossed around by a sign twirler all day"?
That's right: me. But other than that, no one.
20. Angel - Dance Central
While we're talking about the Kinect, let's take a look at Dance Central shall we?
Now, to be fair pretty much all of the men in this game dress rather awfully - in a range of pastels that would look right at home on the eggs you paint for Easter, or the seasonal M&M's we all avoid.
Especially Mo, who ugh, if this is the new hip-hop garb, I'll finally be able to say I look tougher than most "gang bangers."
Even though who they essentially have given us here is Kenny: Seth Green's character from Can't Hardly Wait. Glad I bought a Kinect for this thing!
But the worst dressed here is still, somehow, Angel; in his "I'm shooting for the award for biggest tool in the universe" outfit. Dance competition, what're you gonna do? That's right, bring a SCARF.
If I haven't seen it in a Step Up movie, it doesn't belong in this game.
19. TIE! Cammy & Chun Li - Super Street Fighter 4 DLC
I honestly can't decide which DLC costume for Super Street Fighter 4 ended up worse:
First, we have Cammy here, in her very silly looking cat armor, which really sounds like a better idea than it was, so you've at least got to hand it to them for their tenacity.
In all honesty, parts of it aren't bad, like the kind of neat arm guards and chest piece. But the cat-eared and tailed leotard combined with both a needless face mask AND the puffy go-go boots just takes it too far, on pretty much every level.
More importantly, how do you take one of the hottest possible characters a (hot) girl can cosplay and cover her up in a furry-bait costume that makes her look like a Mighty Max sidekick?
But then there's ChunLi:
Who ever decided on the color scheme for this dress needs to die in several subsequent fires while puffy Snow-White-shoulder-pads from those creepy little girl dancing contests serve as their kindling.
It's just something that I'm pretty sure no one would ever wear unless they were in a parade - which maybe that's what it's actually for, but still, not exactly the best way to show off how tough, or how sexy you are Miss Li.
18. TIE! Hope & Isa Jo - FF13 & Sin and Punishment 2
While we're still in the land of bright pastel hues and feminine outfits, let's look at the a couple of examples of completely outrageous and kind of creepy outfits put on every Priest's dream demographic...
It's another tie here too, for while Hope Estheium (Geshundheit!) of FF13 is trying for the ultimate "Nancy boy" look here, a la every FF character.
He's actually wearing leather, button-fly, elastic banded capris... which if any self-respecting man would see on the rack, he would never buy unless it was getting him laid. Is this what it takes to get laid in the Final Fantasy universe?
Anyway, he has received sizable competition in Isa Jo from Sin and Punishment 2: Star Successor...
Because nothing says "Male Protagonist" like knee high boots, rolled up hot pants and a decorative belt over your top.
Dudes: if you're ever wearing a belt over the top half of your body, or anywhere that's not your pants, you've probably gotten lost in Forever 21 (again.)
17. Makoto - BlazBlue
Let's not forget those who like their girls with a little more fur on their burgers... in the animal/human hybrid category, we have Makoto from BlazBlue. Rawr...
Three words: Squirrel. With. Boobs.
Not just regular boobs either - it's all underboob all the time in Makoto land!
and how IS that title pronounced by the way? Is it "Blaze" as in "Gaze"? Or "Blaaazz" as in "Laws"? I've figured out he "Blue" part on my own, I think.
Anyway, Makoto, along with Lori above would fit right at home on Sterling Archer's "whore Island" with this getup. hell, this might have been an outfit for X-blades that was rejected on the grounds of too much decency, not that it isn't trying!
Squirrel. With. Underboobs. WTF.
16. Special Award - Most Horrifying Crossdressing
Certainly an odd case here - but every year there are some surprisingly awful contenders. Ones that are less friendly Eddie Izzards, more that six foot tall "Marilyn" Monroe you "accidentally" paid money to give you a "massage".
Stupid arrest records. Anyway . . .
While Chuck Greene puts up a good fight in Dead Rising 2 with his manboobed Daisy Dukes look...
... and even gets a little competition from his own game with the survivor Curtis...
... I'm pretty sure Curtis is a reference to Man-Faye, so that may make it more forgivable.
I'm going to have to give this one to Small World Pete, in Disney's Epic Mickey:
Pretty much soley on the account that while I expected Chuck to imitate his predecessor and prance around in women's clothes, I never expected Warren Spector to subject me to his weird "Peg-Leg Pete as a woman" fantasies. This just screams "uncle nightmares during fever dreams while falling asleep to The Lovely Bones."
15. Yuri - Infinite Space
Infinite Space should have been a game that I never stopped playing. It has a lot of things going for it that just sound perfect to me: a science fiction RPG that lets me command a FLEET of completely customizable battleships that I can even get to pick the crew for? Sweet!
But man, I just couldn't get over how awful the main character Yuri looked:
Every time I want to go and become this awesome Captain of the stars I have to look like this reject from Michael Jackson's Captain Eo phase.
Worst part = spiral thingies on his pants that force you to look at his crotch. Even though they're on opposite ends, they're like marquee light bulbs that highlight "guess what, this fictional character has a package under here!"... Dear Lord tell me it isn't just me on this one.
14. Chloe Walsh - No More Heroes 2
Now, the No More Heroes world is jam packed with over-the-top character designs, and is generally a rather good example of taking a few basic design elements and turning them into unique characters, but by the sequel, it kind of seems sometimes that they were running out of steam.
Enter Chloe Walsh.
A prisoner who spits acid at our hero Travis Touchdown, her costume has a weird "goth disco queen" thing going on, which might have been forgivable, except for one thing:
Her hideous Forrest-Gump-Magic-Leg boots.
This simply answers the question: what if Suicide Girls had an unlimited budget?
13. Dante - Dante's Inferno
Now I'm not one who necessarily thinks that an "homage" is a bad thing. In fact, Dante's Inferno was actually a pretty decent game all things considered.
But Dante himself?
UG. LY. I thought we'd all thoroughly learned from this whole "let's give our heroes nipples" thing a decade and a half ago.
Granted, the Death scythe is kind of sweet, but the rest is just . . .
I mean, I can tell they were trying to figure out an amalgam that both captured the raw brutality that Kratos represented in God of War while holding onto a "Catholic Crusader" motif . . . but the crucifix "tattoo" on his chest is well, kind of literal.
12. Kit Ballard - Blade Kitten
More furry bait.
When designing an original character, which frankly is tough to do, you should focus on something simple first, and then go from there. Ideally the shapes and colors will blend together well, and create a sharp image that is both unique and visually pleasing.
One thing you probably shouldn't do: rip off everyone you can possibly think of at once!
This brings us to Kit Ballard. The *sigh* "Blade Kitten", or as I like to call her "Kitchen Sink of young, spry female characters."
It seems every single possible "cool anime" bit of design was brought to play here:
We have goggles, garish colors, ridiculous leg things, bright pink hair, and ooh let's see of course - cat ears and a tail!
You know, I really don't get the whole "cat Girl" thing. As far as I can tell, it's not based off any actual myth other than that of the myth of the "girl who likes to wear cat ears for no reason who will actually go out of her way for someone other than herself" thing. But maybe that's just me (read: humanity.)
And now it's everywhere. While I just want to shoot people who do this in the head.
11. Special Award - Ugliest Armor
Every year lots of games come out that contain a whole bunch of unique sets of armor for our characters to wear. Usually the armor looks cool, or functional, or at least isn't annoying enough that you want to strip it off despite the stat bonuses.
But then there's stuff like this:
Mike Thornton's Iraqi paintball gear.
The jungle pirate gear from Lost Planet 2, not to mention the standard Merc gear from the same game which clashes all the way to "way too much going on town":
But really, to me, nothing quite beat out Fallout New Vegas and the awful Reinforced Combat Armor Mark II.
Who wants an extra from Starship Troopers in their game that has nothing to do with Starship Troopers? With Jetsons rings around their upper arms and a laser pointer stapled to their head . . . for some reason.
10. Special Award - Terrible Shades + Outfit Combos
First there's Paco. He's a later NPC from Heavy Rain and a real sleaze bag. This one's kind of a gimme since he's obviously supposed to look terrible, but hey, they nailed it.
Then there's Lynch, the crazier half of Kane and Lynch 2 Dog Days. He and his partner go through a harrowing sequence where they have to battle their way through the streets of Shanghai nude, and in the process pick ups a completely thrown together costume of sweat pants and open ill-fitting sweatshirt, making a huge portion of the game a trailer-trash firefight.
But the winner is probably SIE, a female mercenary from Alpha Protocol.
Most of her outfit is boring old military EXCEPT from her forehead to her belly button, which is this sort of weird "I want to go to the clubs on south beach" dealie. Then there's her MATCHING shades and bra. Who the hell does that?
Needless to say, it doesn't work very well together. But then, neither did a lot of Alpha Protocol!
9. Rorona - Atelier Rorona: Alchemist of Arland
OK, looking at the image of Rorona on the cover of the game, I'm sure you're probably wondering what the hell is so ugly about this character, at least from the FRONT and in 2D...
This costume just dies when viewed from behind, which, since this is a video game, is going to be most of the damn time. This is what you get during this time:
A constantly half-inflated Beachball bobbing up and down while you wander around performing alchemy in a too-cute universe.
Beach balls are for batting away, not popping and wearing Rorona. This does NOT need to be a standard.
8. Randy Tugman - Dead Rising 2
Here we go, now we're getting to the really good stuff!
. . . by which I mean the bad stuff.
Randy Tugman is one of the Psychopath bosses you encounter in your stay in Fortune City during Dead Rising 2. He's a huge fat, virgin nerd, who is forcing his father to marry him to a woman who obviously does NOT want to be there. I mean sure, I can relate to him pretty closely, but who's to say that's a character that needs to be in a game?
Oh, and also, he looks like the gimp from 8MM...
Here's another shot, just because c'mon, you weren't planning on sleeping tonight anyway.
7. Big Sisters - Bioshock 2
Bioshock 2, is a game that never needed to happen. And we all know it.
Bioshock (the first) was a complete story unto itself that had a solid ending that needed no real continuation. Yet 2K Marin (along with a whole bunch of other 2K studios) went and answered some questions that no one ever asked -- much like with most Hollywood sequels to comedies.
One of them being,"How do you out-buckle the average JRPG character?"
Behold the Big Sister!
Yeah, you just know a bunch of lanky girls are going to start cosplaying in this outfit.
For the sake of the rest of the world and on your ability to get into and out of such a costume . . .
This looks like an annoying "re-interpretation" of a Big Daddy that the designers probably saw on someone they ended up banging (and then regretting) at a convention.
6. Special Award - Worst Enemy Uniform
Along with horrible armor the user can wear, every year we get a whole bunch of malformed minions in which we get to kill every which way but loose.
Now enemy minions don't HAVE to be hideous, and hell, if you can create a memorable design it can even be useful for the promotion of your game - look at the Killzone franchise!
But then we get stuff like:
Lost Planet 2's Carpetbaggers, or if that's not enough, their sandraiders...
Both enemy groups that vie for hideously cluttered outfits as an ideal. Then there was New Vegas' Caesar's Legion soldiers and their "roman football" outfits.
but really I have to hand this one to Alpha Protocol and the G22 soldiers.
I mean I rarely laugh out loud the first time I see an enemy advancing on me, but man, these guys are trying to combine the worst elements of a Bond super villain minion jumpsuit, with every piece of "military" gear they had on them. It's just too much stuff.
And it makes it REALLY easy to spot them against the background. It's a uniform that's actually quite detrimental to their health!
L The List