Christians Are The Best
Hunting BuddiesThis guy is weird for these reasons:
1) He's looking to blow/do his hunting buddy.
2) He has a passion for turkey hunting. Not just any kind of hunting, but turkey hunting. Either he was chased by a turkey and traumatized and now he's like Blade only for turkeys (only he's not half Turkey, even though his neck is pretty jowl-y).
3) If you read the whole thing you realize eventually that he only wants sex to make the Turkey hunting better.
Thanksgiving must be the best day of this guy's year. Every. Single. Year.
OBVIOUSLY This is What Speed Boats Are For
... ladies ;-)
This Is BRILLIANTI wonder how many people in the crowd of the RNC were sexting...
Either way, this is a GREAT plan.
Not only do you not have to meet a stranger, so it's really hands-off (pun intended), but you are going to have that girl's phone number. This increases your chances of getting laid because if you're building it up the entire time, you do the equivalent of what both parties are doing with their email blasts: they're doing the low-sell in order to get you in the door, in hopes that once you're there you'll spend more.
This is the please donate $3 of sex. Brilliant.
Racist Couple Looking for Dude to Bang
This guy broke the first rule of gay anonymous 3-way one night stands: you always keep everyone's contact info. This poor guy had the time of his life that night and the he did the worst thing you can possibly do after waking up in the smell of two dudes whose names you don't know well enough to look up on Facebook.
Also this is a bear's dream. This dude got two twinks all to himself that night and they disappeared in the night never to be seen again. We should probably all keep our eye on Tampa's "missed connections" posts and help these three people yet again find lust.
The Saga of the First Time MassagerI don't care how many of these you read, I hope this guy finds what he's looking for eventually. And so do you. And if you don't you're a monster.
This is so sad... it never happened to him. This is heartbreaking. It's like the beginning of UP only about anonymous gay hand sex :(
Republicans Really Don't Like Black Dudes
The Only Women on This List Looking for SexEvery other women found a guy to bang in the same way most women can at a convention with tens of thousands of sexually inadequate guys that spend more time in front of a computer than an actual pair of breasts (although I would kill to meet someone who doesn't): they walked outside.
And now for these ladies, who are now probably dead.
WANTED: Dude to Drive Me Around and Sex MeA Democrat would never assume they had this kind of power. Only a Conservative would look for a towncar AND sex in one person. If there's anything these guys are, it's efficient.
A Wide Variety of Facials
I Want That Power Inside of MeI really want to know what "heavy hitters" means for this guy. I want him to describe each hitter and exactly what made him so heavy.
This Title Rules"Needs fisted" is how people should say this from now on. I want this to be a thing.
I needs fisted tonight.
"Can we needs fisted later?" "
"Ugh, I gotta go my wife needs fisted before 8."
It works in SO MANY WAYS.
What a Nice, Wonderful Town to VisitEveryone is just so accommodating! I'm serious.
They're only concerned about that crick in your neck and your well-being.
Guy with Teeth Will PLEASURE YOUThe sad part is that, from experience, he feels the need to even say that he has teeth.
This Guy's Looking to ServeThis guy is like the Reverse-Batman of anonymous sex.
A Very Ironic Typo
I'm so jaded at this juncture that I'm pointing out typos.
DigressionAn instance of digressing, especially a written or spoken passage that has no bearing on the main subject.
He was looking for Discretion... so I guess I apologize.
This Guy Should Really Look Up Str8It's really sad that there's so much of a homophobic shame culture in the GOP that people don't even know what they are or can't come to terms with it.
You feel kind of bad for this guy's plight but then you get to the "White guys only" part...
Aw, How Sweet
Whenever a convention comes to town, the locals become some of the nicest, most accommodating people on earth. This guy is no different. Whenever you need it, Republicans. Whenever you need it.
A Super Nice Attractive FemaleGet ready to regain your faith in humanity.
This is actually really damn nice of her. She probably just wants a free ticket to the convention and the whole thing really gives me a warm fuzzies inside because it means great things for the future of the Republican party if there are people like this out there.
Go you, GOP. Go you.