L The List
In Great ShapeYOU WILL ALWAYS BE IN GREAT SHAPE (unless you get turned on a day when you're not in great shape). This one is going to require advanced notice, at least six months worth. Chances are you aren't in any kind of decent shape right now, so make the most of that time, because it'll be your permanent casing, for like eternity. Befriend a vampire, ask to be turned, and then without being a jerk about it, kindly request an additional six months to make yourself ready for forever undead-edness. Ideally, you'll want to be between the ages of 18-35 for this to yield the best results. Hire a personal trainer, buy a workout ball, just start moving. When your six months are up, and you become undead, other vamps without as much foresight will likely be jealous of your ingenuity. Just don't tell them you got the advice from this ranker or some resentful vamp might turn me before I even get a chance to pluck my eyebrows.
- REVENGE. This can be a beautiful thing if done properly. The key here is to hold on to your humanity. This means no killing or maiming of any sort. Revenge in this case refers mostly to pranking: the 4th grade teacher who was certain your report on Lincoln was copied from a book (even though it wasn't), the parent who abandoned you, the dog who ate your Whopper when your turned your back to answer the phone. All of these beings deserve to be punished. Why not just suck their blood and move on? Because that would be too easy. According to most movies, vamp victims only suffer for about 60 seconds before moving on to heavenly pastures. And when you think about those who've wronged you, wouldn't you say they deserve a little more than 60 seconds worth of agony? Again, keep in mind that no bodily harm should be caused here, this is all about having as much childish fun with the jerks in your life as possible. Whatever the case, whoever the victim, as a vampire, with your stealth, speed, and ingenuity, you will have the ability to make all those who ticked you off, just a little less likely to do it to anyone else. And in a way, that makes you a hero.
ImmortalityIMMORTALITY. Probably saw this one coming. But living forever has got be the best side effect of being turned into a vampire. Think of how many cool things you will get to experience by never dying: dating and dumping a million people, playing every single video game console that Nintendo makes, and witnessing the end of the world. While all of us humans are choking on global warming gases, you and your kind will be holding hands, playing Red Rover as the earth crashes in on itself. You'll get to see what happens after earth becomes dust. But where does that leave you? Without a proper blood supply however, all of your kind will likely die out as well. In this case, to avoid any real suffering, your best bet is to jump into the nearest molten volcano and let nature take its course. No need to get your hair did for that occasion.
Bad Hair DayYOU WILL NEVER HAVE A BAD HAIR DAY (unless you get turned on a bad hair day). Are your follicular woes getting the better of you? If so, this vampiric trait will likely be to your benefit. Depending on the lore you're subscribing to, many vampires cannot make any physical changes once turned. Remember when Kirsten Dunst attempted to cut her hair in "Interview with the Vampire?" It grew right back, and she freaked. Getting turned as a pre-pubescent would definitely suck, but for most adults, this form-freezing is a huge plus, if turned at the right moment. To ensure that you have great hair on the day you become undead will also require advanced notice. Again, this will likely mean, finding a vamp, convincing him to turn you, and then convincing him to wait an extra day so you can go to the salon. Best to find a reputable place that can make you prom-ready before the sun comes up. Once you're a fanger, think of how easy it will be to climb out of your coffin every night, take a glimpse in the mirror, if you're the kind who can see his/her reflection, and admire your perfectly coiffed mane, knowing full well that even if you could make a change to your hair, you wouldn't, because it's already so damn perfect.
- ANIMALS WILL FEAR YOU. Hate cats? Not a dog person? As a vampire, most animals, small to medium size, will likely be totally scared of you. Just like they can sense a natural disaster a mile away, a majority of animals can also detect if you're a creepy dead guy or one of the living. As a vampire you will likely have a reverse-Snow-White-effect on creatures. Domesticated pets will be the easiest to frighten, probably just a flashing of fangs and an intense stare. Wild beasts will take more convincing, but if you're the type of vamp who can fly or run very fast, then a speedy display of power just might do the trick. Not convinced this is a strong enough reason to let a fanger turn you? Think about what a trip to the zoo could be like. You'd have to go during the summer seasons when many zoos offer nighttime excursions, but how cool would it be to send an entire zoo's worth of animals up on their hind legs, clamoring for rescue from a volunteer zookeeper?