Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History Fictional Characters

Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History

Ariel Kana Ariel Kana Power
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Here are the characters with the worst sense of work ethic in video games. These are characters that, despite their "occupation" spend all their time trying to save people or taking lavish vacations, or even just causing the end of the world. Think about it: when have you ever seen Mario do any actual plumbing? Here are the worst workers in video game history.
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  1. 1
    Mario is pretty much always on vacation. A terribly, terribly inconvenient vacation. Remember when Lindsay Lohan lost her passport when she was on probation and had to inconveniently stay at whatever foreign country she was infecting at that moment? Well, that's Mario's entire life... and just like Lindsay Lohan, he NEVER WORKS. He has to have the worst attendance record of any plumber ever. EVER.

    Take the beginning of Super Mario Sunshine, for example. He's on vacation, when all of a sudden, the s**t hits the fan. Mario is gone for DAYS, sometimes WEEKS. What was he even taking a vacation from anyway? NOT WORKING?

    I don't think a single Mario game has ever started out with him doing some actual god damn plumbing. I'd like to see that man work. I mean he's always DRESSED for the occasion, yet we never see what he's supposedly so good at: "plumbing". Not a single poop-level, and not a single level where a wrench is used (bring it, internet; show it to me.)

    Sure there are a bunch of pipes around the Mushroom Kingdom, but when does he ever unclog them? Do they even NEED to be unclogged? Flowers seem to live in them quite fine. And if the rampant man-eating flowers are that widespread in the Mushroom Kingdom, that means that whoever's running or watching the plumbing there needs to re-think their entire strategy. If that's Mario's job, then it's another hit for his employment record.

    With this kind of resume, he's damn near unemployable.

    I mean, he DID have a short stint as a doctor back in the 90s, but it didn't seem to work out because of monsters and pill colors. It doesn't look like he even ever got his general practitioner's license. Also, come to think of it, wasn't he more of a Pharmacist anyway?
  2. 2

    Professor Oak

  3. 3
    Gordon Freeman is the protagonist of the Half Life games, he’s a theoretical physicist (yes, like Big Bang Theory) that was part of an experiment that unleashed hell on earth. (sarcasm)Good job Gordon. Way to follow those safety protocols and ensure that nothing bad happened. What's the worst that could happen, right? (/sarcasm).

    Are we being too hard on him? Well, for a graduate from MIT with a Ph.D. in Theoretical Science, we'd expect a little more. So yes, unleashing an evil alien menace on the world knocks you down a few pegs on "job performance".

    I would hate to think that there are a bunch of Gordon Freemans hanging out at the large hadron collider carrying around crowbars hoping for their chance to prove that a man and a crowbar CAN really save the world ( relevant link ) against aliens instead of just finding answers to the universal questions .

    Here's a video of what he's probably thinking at all times and why he probably could have done a LOT more to prevent a LOT of what happened in Half-Life
  4. 4

    Any Ninja in Any Game Except Tenchu

    HERE is a freaking Ninja. Feel free to look up "Ninja" (or just click that link) and you'll see that the primary role of a Ninja is STEALTH. Espionage, sabotage, infiltration, assassination... all of these require stealth.

    Ninja Gaiden, Bushido Blade characters, Scorpion ("GET OVER HERE!!!"... worst. ninja. ever... why would you warn people of what's coming?), Sub Zero, Kitana, Joe Musashi, Gray Fox from Metal Gear Solid... All HORRIBLE ninjas.

    They're all about combat, not espionage or sneaking. Since when the hell is a flaming skull "covert"? How much deadlier would all of these guys be if they just actually snuck around instead of climbing walls everywhere in broad daylight where other ninjas can see?

    Ninja Gaiden, for example, if there are 20 dudes in one room, sticking to a wall and attacking one of them or two of them at a time isn't exactly being "incognito".

    Being a true Ninja is about sneaking around and most ninjas in video games do the exact opposite and the ones who try usually suck at it.
  5. 5

    Medi Goron - Zelda Series

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  1. Andrea
    Mario at 9/12/2010 12:38 PM
    Mario is Italian..how can you guys expect him to work??


    (before someone points his finger: I'm italian too)
  2. Anon
    Any Ninja in Any Game Except Tenchu at 9/11/2010 2:09 AM
    Finally someone said it, Tenchu being the most realistic Ninja franchise :D
  3. Pete
    Most Bowser Minions at 9/08/2010 1:01 PM
    To be fair to these assassins, they can kill Mario with a single touch. That's pretty impressive!
  4. Luke
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/08/2010 9:38 AM
    Very good article. Very whimsical!
  5. MrGrinch
    Professor Oak at 9/07/2010 5:26 PM
    LOL SO HILLARIOUS
  6. ButtMan.
    Edgar & Sabin Figaro - Final Fantasy Series at 9/07/2010 2:32 PM
    The coin flip was intentional. Edgar has a two-headed coin, and he made the bet knowing the outcome.

    I know this is supposed to be satirical, but I can't let this one slide.
  7. JR
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 11:04 AM
    This is a really, really dumb article. Just another rushed and poorly thought out list in an effort to get on digg.com.
  8. callofbooty
    Most Bowser Minions at 9/07/2010 8:24 AM
    Video Link is down, use this one: www.collegehumor.com/video:1824771
  9. wow
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 3:00 AM
    WTF does this need to take up 2 pages for?
    it's 9 f**king things....
    1. whut
      Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 4:14 AM
      Advertising...
  10. Charlie
    Mario at 9/07/2010 1:06 AM
    Mario is actually an actor. He works for a movie studio that makes him dress up as a plumber and try to save a princess. Figuratively seen as an action packed princess and the pauper. It's made more than avatar!

    Remember Mario 64? He had a camera following him at all times.

    Mind = Blown
  11. bsd
    Mario at 9/06/2010 11:48 PM
    In the first Mario Bros game. They were in the sewer. I assume it had to do with probably city sewage issues. Considering this I would have to say that Mario & Luigi are city employees and not house call employees. Being paid by the city its no wonder they lag and you always see Mario hanging out.
  12. Jacob
    Mario at 9/06/2010 8:20 PM
    Mario Pipe Dream. You have to do the plumbing....
  13. Ass
    Most Bowser Minions at 9/06/2010 6:57 PM
    Do you know what is freaking. Lame? Emphasizing words in a phrase by dictating them each as their own sentence, complete with capitalization and periods for each one. You did it no less than three times in one article.
  14. Anon
    Gordon Freeman at 9/06/2010 4:22 PM
    He wasn't a very active partic**ant in the initial experiment that caused the resonance cascade--he pretty much just walked in and pressed a button....He was probably a good employee before his place of occupation went to h**l =P
  15. Gansch
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 2:33 PM
    Yeah, whats been said about Edgar has pretty much been summed up. Did you ever even play FF3(6)?
    If you did you would realize the coin toss was rigged because it goes into detail the backstory of Sabin and Edgar, and how Sabin just couldn't be there anymore. Also, the sinking castle was the only thing that saved his people from the emperors army, and where did the budget thing come from? He is a womanizer, he does not need prostitutes, the jewelry is based purely on your opinion/speculation, and the war budget was "pimping" his castle to escape from the sadistic kefka+emperor, not too mention his castle was left intact after it was left underground when Kefka blew the world up.
    If i remember correctly, he was such a good king that his weaponsmith said he would give Edgar his weapons for free, but Edgar refused that and pays for them. How is that not a good king?
    Had you payed attention to any of the back story of Edgar and Sabin, or used common logic for their "budget," then you would realize that they really don't belong on the worst employee lists. Kefka and General Celes would have been better choices than them.
  16. EdgarReniFigaro
    Edgar & Sabin Figaro - Final Fantasy Series at 9/06/2010 2:03 PM
    Absurd. In a world where the best Techno-Magic wins, Edgar managed to make the best Techno-castle ever. He had no access to Magic like those wimpy Imperials, so he just made it pure technology. When Kefka Fired Up His Lazars at the world, Figaro Castle wasn't hurt. In fact, if it wasn't for giant sand worms, everything there would have been 100% normal, as indicated after the removal of said sand worms. How well did Narshe last after the end of the world?
  17. JC
    Mario at 9/06/2010 12:31 PM
    damn kids...look back at the original Mario Bros. game. The brothers were handling a horrible plumbing infestation. Maybe that's what they've been on vacation from.
    BTW, that could be a good name for the next game. Super Mario Vacation...
  18. Daryl G.
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 12:24 PM
    Wow. This list is obviously written by someone with problems, mental or otherwise.

    And they obviously never really played Final Fantasy 6. First off, he doesn't even know that they're only in part 6, but everything he lists as a reason to defend the stupid entry in this stupid article is, well, stupid. The coinflip was a deliberate decision made by one brother to protect the other brother. The castle was not "pimped" out and his budget was not destroyed. As a matter of fact, if he hadn't had the castle get the ability to submerge into the earth then the game would've been about two hours long and everyone would have died very soon.

    Also, I'm sure there were a "ninja" or two in Bushido Blade, but the game's generally about samurai.

    And if you think that El Fuerte is even one of the most racist videogame characters then you clearly have not played very many videogames.

    Ignorant article written by an ignorant person.
    1. Uran Ass
      Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 12:36 PM
      The person who wrote this has mental problems? You realize this is tongue in cheek, i.e. not serious.

      Further, YOU'RE arguing with him.

      It should be law that having access to the internet requires an I.Q. test before hand.
      1. Ariel Kana
        Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 2:16 PM
        Actually, he's arguing with HER ;-)

        Sure, that's true, and something that Daryl's definitely right about regarding FF6... kind of. Sure, I was wrong about some technicalities here and there, but you can NOT tell me that Edgar was a good king. What evidence do you have to support it? We'd all love to hear it (as well as read any awesome articles you've written ;-) )!

        Also, if you know anyone Hispanic who's played Street Fighter IV, we could make an ENTIRE LIST about El Fuerte reinforcing stereotypes. Here's a list of some of his attacks:

        - Quesadilla Bomb
        - Habanero Dash
        - Guacamole Leg Throw

        You think they made him a cook just for shiggles? They made him a cook, so they could associate their one Mexican character with the food service industry because that's all they had in mind. But hey, at least they didn't make him a gardener!

        Thanks for the kind words, though, everyone else! Click on my profile name to see other lists I've done (/shameless-self-promotion)
        1. Daryl G
          Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 12:04 AM
          Well, I'm Puerto Rican, so go figure.

          You didn't mention the fact that Ukyo (sp) from Samurai Showdown killed a bunch of people just to win a bouquet of flowers, or for that matter that in that very same game there was a Kabuki performer murdering people instead of being an actor. Or a pirate that was in a showy tournament instead of plundering.

          Or that in Street Fighter 2 there was a US Army Colonel that was partic**ating in prize fights instead of going to Desert Storm.

          Aside from the fact that luchadores typically have ridiculous names for their moves, just as their american counterparts do, either nationality (not race) typically uses patriotism to rile up the audience, Japanese show-wrestling has taken a lot from mexican show-wrestling so it's not odd that they put such a flamboyant and aerial character into their fighting game. Cooking? Why not? Dhalsim is a yoga master that fights and that makes absolutely no sense whereas wrestlers need to eat (a lot) and probably have a more keen sense for nutrition than taste. Also, cooking is kinda important to any culture, hispanic or not, so a character who has spent his career taking a probable measure of pride in his nationality and origins probably takes a great deal of pride in the food as well. Aside from that, also, those names for the special moves you cite are pretty spectacular.

          Edgar was a good king. I suppose your argument that he wasn't is ignoring the fact that HE SAVED THE WORLD, but if you look at his acts as a king he was involved in "international" politics and ultimately sacrificed his own safety for the well-being of his citizens. He instinctually (perhaps just lustfully) appreciated the presence of the one character that was pivotal in the salvation of the planet, so he had it in his blood to make decisions even if you didn't understand that. It's called "subtext."

          Edgar could also see that his brother was more of a physical presence than he was, so he let his brother go out and further his athletics despite the fact that he didn't say "I am doing this so that you can learn to fight better which will make you happier than ruling a kingdom." Being that they are twins, and the story is not real, it makes sense that if Sabin was the more physical presence that Edgar would be the engineer which would understand processes and results, i.e. make decisions. Given that he had a fetish for mechanics it is not surprising that he would engineer his house to do something drastic like be able to tunnel into the sand which, actually, turned out to save the "kingdom" when he was asked to surrender and chose not to.

          There is the evidence. However, what is a "good king?" Do you have an example of a "good king," let alone evidence?
  19. The dude
    Professor Oak at 9/06/2010 11:46 AM
    That's why professor oak is so good. All he needs is three lvl. 5 Pokemon.
  20. Zee Voo
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 11:34 AM
    Oh wow, nowthats what I am talking about. Good stuff dude.

    www.anon-surf.at.tc
  21. gojira
    Professor Oak at 9/06/2010 8:54 AM
    He also doesn't even know the name of his nephew. And believes his name is whatever you say it is.
  22. mlv
    Professor Oak at 9/06/2010 12:40 AM
    Not to mention that he never realized that there were different Pokemon on the next continent on the other side of a small river.
  23. Cuthbert
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 11:53 PM
    Your USE of capitals was ANNOYING
  24. Freeman
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 9:09 PM
    Gordon was just going into work when s**t went down. Why you giving him a hard time...
  25. Bleh
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 5:20 PM
    Technically, Edgar and Sabin's coin flip was never based on luck, not for Edgar anyway cuz he knew the coin was rigged. Plus, Edgar was spending money for war - the castle sinking was for defensive purposes. He also garnered quite a lot of respect from his citizens (ignoring his horrible womanising). I'd have to argue he's actually one of the best Kings in the history of games.
  26. Alex
    Mario at 9/05/2010 2:01 PM
    Mario did some plumbing in Mario and Luigi: Superstar Saga. In the game you had to use your hammer to fix some pipes.
  27. Yossarian
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 1:53 PM
    Flagging up sarcasm in a really obvious way is a brilliant idea. If you hadn't done so, I may have thought that you genuinely were congratulating Gordon Freeman on doing a great job by releasing h**l on earth. You also manage to show such respect for your readers' skills of comprehension. I mean, someone could have read that and been briefly confused, so why risk it? Just because you have to patronise the 99.9% of readers who are above the age of 6 in order to do so. It's totally worth it.

    I'll be coming back to this site regularly!
  28. Luck
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 1:36 PM
    Wouldn't making the castle go underground actually be a good idea as a defense? I mean, it certainly would work better than making walls considering it's the only castle in the game(if I recall correctly) that can actually dive in the sand.

    And I thought it was a one sided coin. I could be wrong of course, but if no one wants to be king knowing someone has to, why not choose a factor like luck?
  29. xmywreckingballx
    Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 1:26 PM
    How about the young test subject from Portal. She is worst employee of the month!

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