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Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History By Ariel Kana [38 more lists]
Here are the characters with the worst sense of work ethic in video games. These are characters that, despite their "occupation" spend all their time trying to save people or taking lavish vacations, or even just causing the end of the world. Think about it: when have you ever seen Mario do any actual plumbing? Here are the worst workers in video game history.
- 1Mario is pretty much always on vacation. A terribly, terribly inconvenient vacation. Remember when Lindsay Lohan lost her passport when she was on probation and had to inconveniently stay at whatever foreign country she was infecting at that moment? Well, that's Mario's entire life... and just like Lindsay Lohan, he NEVER WORKS. He has to have the worst attendance record of any plumber ever. EVER.
Take the beginning of Super Mario Sunshine, for example. He's on vacation, when all of a sudden, the s**t hits the fan. Mario is gone for DAYS, sometimes WEEKS. What was he even taking a vacation from anyway? NOT WORKING?
I don't think a single Mario game has ever started out with him doing some actual god damn plumbing. I'd like to see that man work. I mean he's always DRESSED for the occasion, yet we never see what he's supposedly so good at: "plumbing". Not a single poop-level, and not a single level where a wrench is used (bring it, internet; show it to me.)
Sure there are a bunch of pipes around the Mushroom Kingdom, but when does he ever unclog them? Do they even NEED to be unclogged? Flowers seem to live in them quite fine. And if the rampant man-eating flowers are that widespread in the Mushroom Kingdom, that means that whoever's running or watching the plumbing there needs to re-think their entire strategy. If that's Mario's job, then it's another hit for his employment record.
With this kind of resume, he's damn near unemployable.
I mean, he DID have a short stint as a doctor back in the 90s, but it didn't seem to work out because of monsters and pill colors. It doesn't look like he even ever got his general practitioner's license. Also, come to think of it, wasn't he more of a Pharmacist anyway? -
- 2
Professor Oak
Professor Oak doesn't even start out pretending to be a good scientist. At the beginning of the game, a man is supposed to be a SCIENTIST doesn't even know if you're a boy or a girl. Strike 1.
Not only that, but he is SO BAD at his job that he has children, CHILDREN, do his research for him. Not only that but he's a complete and total dick about it.
He also provides your rival with the best Pokemon to defeat you. Also, he's the best in the Pokemon training field, was a former competitive trainer, but all he can give you is a Bulbasaur, a Charmander or a Squirtle? Click here for why that sucks. Although it does kind of prepare you to get screwed out of the best Pokemon throughout your life.
In addition to constantly scolding you, which would make for a great competitive trainer if he actually had a REWARD system of some kind other than "kind words" ( click here ). And yes, Pokemon games do have their flaws , but cut us a little slack for expecting more from "the best in the field".
BONUS: here's a hypnotic video of Oak getting down. I'm not sure what this says about me (or you, for watching probably half of it), but I could watch this for hours.
Don't take acid before clicking here to see Oak's booty shake - 3
Gordon Freeman is the protagonist of the Half Life games, he’s a theoretical physicist (yes, like Big Bang Theory) that was part of an experiment that unleashed h**l on earth. (sarcasm)Good job Gordon. Way to follow those safety protocols and ensure that nothing bad happened. What's the worst that could happen, right? (/sarcasm).
Are we being too hard on him? Well, for a graduate from MIT with a Ph.D. in Theoretical Science, we'd expect a little more. So yes, unleashing an evil alien menace on the world knocks you down a few pegs on "job performance".
I would hate to think that there are a bunch of Gordon Freemans hanging out at the large hadron collider carrying around crowbars hoping for their chance to prove that a man and a crowbar CAN really save the world ( relevant link ) against aliens instead of just finding answers to the universal questions .
Here's a video of what he's probably thinking at all times and why he probably could have done a LOT more to prevent a LOT of what happened in Half-Life -
- 4
Any Ninja in Any Game Except Tenchu
HERE is a freaking Ninja. Feel free to look up "Ninja" (or just click that link) and you'll see that the primary role of a Ninja is STEALTH. Espionage, sabotage, infiltration, assassination... all of these require stealth.
Ninja Gaiden, Bushido Blade characters, Scorpion ("GET OVER HERE!!!"... worst. ninja. ever... why would you warn people of what's coming?), Sub Zero, Kitana, Joe Musashi, Gray Fox from Metal Gear Solid... All HORRIBLE ninjas.
They're all about combat, not espionage or sneaking. Since when the h**l is a flaming skull "covert"? How much deadlier would all of these guys be if they just actually snuck around instead of climbing walls everywhere in broad daylight where other ninjas can see?
Ninja Gaiden, for example, if there are 20 dudes in one room, sticking to a wall and attacking one of them or two of them at a time isn't exactly being "incognito".
Being a true Ninja is about sneaking around and most ninjas in video games do the exact opposite and the ones who try usually suck at it. - 5
Medi Goron - Zelda Series
Medigoron is a recurring character in the Zelda universe. In the Ocarina of Time game he lives on Death Mountain where he runs a small Blacksmith shop.
When Link, as a child, visits this shop, Medigoron tells him that he's going to build him pretty much the coolest, best weapon EVER, but it's going to take him five or six years to finish it. FIVE OR SIX FREAKING YEARS.
Alright, that's fine, we all saw Kill Bill (although not at that time), we know that a good sword is worth waiting for. Alright, he's a big animal, so probably a stronger, more bad-ass Blacksmith than most, right?
So Link gets there, has to pay 200 freakin Rupees for it if he even wants it anymore, and gets a Giant's Knife. Awesome. A strong, amazing weapon that will last you forev-wait. It'll last you four swings.
It breaks after 4 swings.
Let's repeat that: it breaks after 4 SWINGS.
This guy spent 5 or 6 years building you a sword that breaks after 4 swings?
Worst. Blacksmith. Ever.
Although, it would be cool to be friends with him, Medigoron is the worst Blacksmith in the history of Blacksmiths. Here's a video walkthrough that shows you never to bother even buying the weapon he spent your adolescence trying to perfect.
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Professor Oak at 9/06/2010 8:54 AM
Most Bowser Minions at 9/07/2010 8:24 AM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 11:04 AM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 3:00 AM
it's 9 fucking things....
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 4:14 AM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 1:26 PM
Mario at 9/06/2010 11:48 PM
Mario at 9/05/2010 2:01 PM
Mario at 9/07/2010 1:06 AM
Remember Mario 64? He had a camera following him at all times.
Mind = Blown
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 1:53 PM
I'll be coming back to this site regularly!
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 1:36 PM
And I thought it was a one sided coin. I could be wrong of course, but if no one wants to be king knowing someone has to, why not choose a factor like luck?
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 5:20 PM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 9:09 PM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/05/2010 11:53 PM
Most Bowser Minions at 9/08/2010 1:01 PM
Professor Oak at 9/06/2010 12:40 AM
Any Ninja in Any Game Except Tenchu at 9/11/2010 2:09 AM
Mario at 9/06/2010 8:20 PM
Most Bowser Minions at 9/06/2010 6:57 PM
Professor Oak at 9/07/2010 5:26 PM
Mario at 9/12/2010 12:38 PM
(before someone points his finger: I'm italian too)
Gordon Freeman at 9/06/2010 4:22 PM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 2:33 PM
If you did you would realize the coin toss was rigged because it goes into detail the backstory of Sabin and Edgar, and how Sabin just couldn't be there anymore. Also, the sinking castle was the only thing that saved his people from the emperors army, and where did the budget thing come from? He is a womanizer, he does not need prostitutes, the jewelry is based purely on your opinion/speculation, and the war budget was "pimping" his castle to escape from the sadistic kefka+emperor, not too mention his castle was left intact after it was left underground when Kefka blew the world up.
If i remember correctly, he was such a good king that his weaponsmith said he would give Edgar his weapons for free, but Edgar refused that and pays for them. How is that not a good king?
Had you payed attention to any of the back story of Edgar and Sabin, or used common logic for their "budget," then you would realize that they really don't belong on the worst employee lists. Kefka and General Celes would have been better choices than them.
Edgar & Sabin Figaro - Final Fantasy Series at 9/06/2010 2:03 PM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/08/2010 9:38 AM
Edgar & Sabin Figaro - Final Fantasy Series at 9/07/2010 2:32 PM
I know this is supposed to be satirical, but I can't let this one slide.
Mario at 9/06/2010 12:31 PM
BTW, that could be a good name for the next game. Super Mario Vacation...
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 12:24 PM
And they obviously never really played Final Fantasy 6. First off, he doesn't even know that they're only in part 6, but everything he lists as a reason to defend the stupid entry in this stupid article is, well, stupid. The coinflip was a deliberate decision made by one brother to protect the other brother. The castle was not "pimped" out and his budget was not destroyed. As a matter of fact, if he hadn't had the castle get the ability to submerge into the earth then the game would've been about two hours long and everyone would have died very soon.
Also, I'm sure there were a "ninja" or two in Bushido Blade, but the game's generally about samurai.
And if you think that El Fuerte is even one of the most racist videogame characters then you clearly have not played very many videogames.
Ignorant article written by an ignorant person.
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 12:36 PM
Further, YOU'RE arguing with him.
It should be law that having access to the internet requires an I.Q. test before hand.
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 2:16 PM
Sure, that's true, and something that Daryl's definitely right about regarding FF6... kind of. Sure, I was wrong about some technicalities here and there, but you can NOT tell me that Edgar was a good king. What evidence do you have to support it? We'd all love to hear it (as well as read any awesome articles you've written ;-) )!
Also, if you know anyone Hispanic who's played Street Fighter IV, we could make an ENTIRE LIST about El Fuerte reinforcing stereotypes. Here's a list of some of his attacks:
- Quesadilla Bomb
- Habanero Dash
- Guacamole Leg Throw
You think they made him a cook just for shiggles? They made him a cook, so they could associate their one Mexican character with the food service industry because that's all they had in mind. But hey, at least they didn't make him a gardener!
Thanks for the kind words, though, everyone else! Click on my profile name to see other lists I've done (/shameless-self-promotion)
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/07/2010 12:04 AM
You didn't mention the fact that Ukyo (sp) from Samurai Showdown killed a bunch of people just to win a bouquet of flowers, or for that matter that in that very same game there was a Kabuki performer murdering people instead of being an actor. Or a pirate that was in a showy tournament instead of plundering.
Or that in Street Fighter 2 there was a US Army Colonel that was participating in prize fights instead of going to Desert Storm.
Aside from the fact that luchadores typically have ridiculous names for their moves, just as their american counterparts do, either nationality (not race) typically uses patriotism to rile up the audience, Japanese show-wrestling has taken a lot from mexican show-wrestling so it's not odd that they put such a flamboyant and aerial character into their fighting game. Cooking? Why not? Dhalsim is a yoga master that fights and that makes absolutely no sense whereas wrestlers need to eat (a lot) and probably have a more keen sense for nutrition than taste. Also, cooking is kinda important to any culture, hispanic or not, so a character who has spent his career taking a probable measure of pride in his nationality and origins probably takes a great deal of pride in the food as well. Aside from that, also, those names for the special moves you cite are pretty spectacular.
Edgar was a good king. I suppose your argument that he wasn't is ignoring the fact that HE SAVED THE WORLD, but if you look at his acts as a king he was involved in "international" politics and ultimately sacrificed his own safety for the well-being of his citizens. He instinctually (perhaps just lustfully) appreciated the presence of the one character that was pivotal in the salvation of the planet, so he had it in his blood to make decisions even if you didn't understand that. It's called "subtext."
Edgar could also see that his brother was more of a physical presence than he was, so he let his brother go out and further his athletics despite the fact that he didn't say "I am doing this so that you can learn to fight better which will make you happier than ruling a kingdom." Being that they are twins, and the story is not real, it makes sense that if Sabin was the more physical presence that Edgar would be the engineer which would understand processes and results, i.e. make decisions. Given that he had a fetish for mechanics it is not surprising that he would engineer his house to do something drastic like be able to tunnel into the sand which, actually, turned out to save the "kingdom" when he was asked to surrender and chose not to.
There is the evidence. However, what is a "good king?" Do you have an example of a "good king," let alone evidence?
Professor Oak at 9/06/2010 11:46 AM
Top 9 Worst Employees in Video Game History at 9/06/2010 11:34 AM
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