music Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band  

Jacob Shelton
1.4k votes 310 voters 16k views 12 items Follow Embed

List Rules A lot of people hate Coldplay - these are some of the reasons. Vote up the ones you think are valid.

Asking Americans to agree on something is like asking the weather to stay consistent, it’s not going to happen. Unless of course you’re asking about Coldplay, because everyone knows that they’re the worst. Coldplay is basically what would happen if the world’s most punchable face became a band. It doesn’t matter if the melodies are pleasant, or if the members seem like genuinely nice guys, the fact of the matter is that Coldplay sucks. They sucked in their home country of merry old England, and they especially suck now that they’re in America, depleting our greatest natural resource: Beyonce. To find out why Americans hate Coldplay, start scrolling through this list at the "Speed of Sound."

“Why do people hate Coldplay?” is a question often asked by the members of Coldplay (probably). “What did we ever do?” they inquire of one another. Luckily, this list answers that question about 12 times with all sorts of reasons why people think Coldplay is lame. No matter how hard this snooze of a band tries to be cool - whether they’re hanging out with Jay-Z, or aping the likes of much cooler boring bands like Radiohead and Animal Collective - Coldplay just can’t seem to make anyone like them.

Vote up the biggest reasons that Americans hate Coldplay, and if a perfectly legitimate and valid argument about the worst band in the world isn't already here, further air your grievances in the comments section.
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Coldplay Is the Most Vanilla Band Ever


Coldplay Is the Most Vanilla B... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band
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Even when Coldplay goes out of their way to be weirdos they're a total snooze. Even when they call Brian Eno to help them let their freak flag fly, they don't even write a song outside of a major key. Coldplay is the perfect soundtrack for your mom's crazy night out with her friends.
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It’s a Basic Band for Basic People


It’s a Basic Band for Basic Pe... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band
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Coldplay is like Urban Outfitters, pumpkin spice lattes, and a $60 plain black t-shirt from American Apparel - BASIC! If the depths of your emotions can be summed up with the lyrics from a piece of trash like "The Scientist" then you might as well move to Florida and start drinking Bud Light.
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The Lyrics Are ZZZ


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Video: YouTube
You know what gets us pumped? Super duper rock 'n' roll lyrics like: 

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth


Take a listen to the lyrics for "Viva La Vida." They sound like Chris Martin's high school English teacher asked him to write a poem about the Olympics.
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2 people just voted on They're Too Self Congratulatroy


They're Too Self Congratulatro... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band
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If Coldplay is great at anything, it's talking themselves up to people who just do not care. For instance, take this track by track walk through of Viva La Vida, an album that has two claims to fame: being better than XY and being helmed by Brian "Instant Cred" Eno. The worst part of the interview is when Chris Martin says, "[Viva La Vidais one of our favorites, because none of us are doing anything on it that we’ve ever done before." Except, of course, playing in the same key they always play in, while singing insipid grade school lyrics.
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Chris Martin Tries and Fails to Be Thom Yorke


Chris Martin Tries and Fails t... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band
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There's no one that Chris Martin wants to be more than Thom Yorke - it's just that he's about 15 years behind the Radiohead frontman. Martin doesn't just try (and fail) to make weird glitchy music like Thom Yorke, but he's also tried his hand at the same weird, terrible dancing that Yorke has taken to doing (evidence below).

 


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3 people just voted on They Stole the Super Bowl Half Time Show from a Hard Working American Band


They Stole the Super Bowl Half... is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band
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There's nothing more American than half time at the Super Bowl. Not only is that 30 minute segment sandwiched between two halves of the most American thing since Bruce Springsteen, but the best half times have featured performances from the likes of Prince, Beyonce, and Katy Perry. So why oh why is Coldplay playing at half time when you could book a hard working American band like The Hold Steady or The Foo Fighters to entertain a stadium full of patriots?
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Coldplay Is Basically Every College Frat Band, But with a Stylist


Coldplay Is Basically Every Co... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list Reasons Why Americans Hate Coldplay, Britain's Biggest Band
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Not only is this inarguably true, but it's also super depressing. Think about it: if all Coldplay has to do to get famous is write bad poetry over three guitar chords, then that lame-o Gary who sits behind you in Psychology 101 is probably going to be the next Lenny Kravitz. We're doomed.
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They're Too Thirsty


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There's nothing worse than a band that wants you to like them so much they'll try anything to get you to buy an album.

Here's the Coldplay thirsty checklist:
1. Hang out with Jay-Z and Beyonce? Check!
2. Release an album full of dance music at the height of EDM? Check!
3. Admit to ripping off better bands in order to beat their detractors to the punch? CHECK!