Herman Cain/Lex Luthor
How He's Like Lex Luthor:
And no, NOT just because they’re both bald. I should point out, I am referring to the modern comic book version of Lex Luthor, not the campy Gene Hackman portrayal of the movies.
I’m talking about the version of Lex Luthor who was a successful businessman, who ran for President of the United States and won.
Sure, the public of the DC Comics universe was aware that old Lex had tried to take over the world once or twice, and tried to kill Superman, symbol of all that was good and pure. But he WAS a very successful businessman who got the job done, and so they overlooked it and put him in the White House.
Just like tons of voters in the real world are going to overlook the fact that Cain made a series of unwanted sexual advances to various female associates over the years. Because hey, he’s a successful businessman. Who cares if he’s slimy? Right?
Why This Will Make Him A Good Potential President:
Look, one thing that Lex Luthor is not is wishy washy.
He’s been trying for 73 years now to kill Superman and nothing will ever make him throw in the towel. That's real determination. A little of that kind of persistent belief in one’s own ideals is honorable in a good leader. Even if that leader is evil and wants to rule the world and remake it in his own image... it seems to garner not only votes, but confidence.
This is probably why a lot of Cain's supporters and donors still back him, even after all the sexual misconduct allegations.
If it worked for Lex...
Mitt Romney/The Penguin
I gotta admit, I find it incredibly hard to hate on Mitt Romney. Not because I believe in any of his policies, because I don’t.
I think it’s because he’s Mormon. I mean, Mormons by and large believe in some C-R-A-Z-Y ass stuff, crazier even than most other Christian denominations. But they are so God damned nice and polite, it’s just impossible to really hate on them. They might think Heavenly Father is sending you to Hell for your heathen ways, but Gosh darn it, they’ll hold the door open for you if they see that your hands are full. So when it comes to villains, the most fitting one that can be associated with Romney is the classic Batman villain The Penguin.
Why The Penguin? Go with me on this one; The Penguin is NO ONE'S favorite Batman villain. everyone loves The Joker, Two Face, Catwoman, Scarecrow… but no one ever cites the Penguin as their favorite Batman villain. And yet because he’s a classic (and classy), they keep trotting him out every few years because it's kind of expected. Kinda like what the GOP does with Romney.
He's vicious, but he's safe. For now.
But ask any Republican... Romney is no one’s real favorite.
They all have some other candidate they’d really rather see in the Oval Office, but if push comes to shove, Romney will do in a pinch, because at least he’s not Obama. He’s the "good enough" Republican candidate.
And sometimes good enough can cut it. Penguin once got to be the main villain of Batman movie, simply by managing to stick around long enough to seem more liked than he really is. Romney might just make it into the White House the same way.
Why This Makes Him A Good Potential President:
The Penguin has been able to run a criminal syndicate and a fabulous nightclub called The Iceberg Lounge at the same time for years. That kind of multi-tasking is totally crucial to a successful presidency.
Jon Huntsman, Jr./Dr.Doom
"To be clear. I believe in evolution and trust scientists on global warming. Call me crazy."
That statement alone from Jon Huntsman, not to mention his support of Civil Unions for LGBT couples with equal benefits of marriage, will cost him all the votes from the evangelical Christian Republican base, so sadly even talking about Huntsman as a serious candidate seems like a waste of time. But for now, we gotta play pretend.
Huntsman is also the former Ambassador to China and speaks fluent Mandarin. This makes him seem kind of erudite, and the Republican base also hates anything that smells "elitist". Ronald Reagan and George W Bush may have come from serious money, but they at least seemed like good ol’ boys that you could invite to the BBQ and have a beer with. Huntsman, despite having a butch last name, seems more like would go to some f*ggy wine tasting in Napa than a down home BBQ.Huntsman is a practicing Mormon (in fact, Mitt Romney is his cousin.) so just like with cousin Mitt, I have a hard time hating on Mormons for all the reasons previously stated.
All of this reminds me of classic Marvel villain Dr. Doom. See, Doom used sorcery to do his evil will, but also was highly proficient in the ways of science. Doom understood that having crazy religious beliefs, (like for example believing in Golden Plates or something) did not preclude hard scientific truths. And despite not being able to destroy his dreaded foes the Fantastic Four or the Avengers, he at least seemed to hold onto his tiny European nation of Latveria.
Why This Makes Him A Great Potential President:
Okay look, Victor Von Doom may be a villain, but the country he rules has zero poverty or crime, and an awesome police force of efficient Doombots. If Huntsman has a smidgen of Doom’s balls, we might be in OK hands if the Obama campaign fails.
Rick Perry/Bill Lumbergh
I’m not sure if it’s the hair, or that really smug and annoying way of expressing himself, but something about Rick Perry reminds me of the douchey boss of the Inetech Corporation Bill Lumbergh from the cult classic Office Space, played brilliantly by Gary Cole.
You just know every time that Rick Perry opens his mouth that he's not too terribly bright (when asked how old the Earth was, he just said "I know it's pretty old … I'm not sure anybody actually knows completely and absolutely how old the Earth is." Yes Rick, we actually do know how old the Earth is.)
Just like Lumbergh, you just know that Perry knew just the right asses to kiss to get where he is now. How else do you explain the Governer of a state with the lowest percentage of high school graduates and actually having a serious shot for the highest office in the free world?
Why This Makes Him A Great Potential President:
In Office Space, Lumbergh put the fear of God at all the cubicle dwellers at Intech that they might have to work the weekend. In this economy, I'm sure there are several cubicle dwellers who would jump at the chance for some extra dough. Rick Perry commands the kind of inexplicable respect (and then retrospective ridicule) that any demanding, yet misinformed boss in America does... only he would do it on a grander scale.
Sure we'd make fun of him all the time for being dumb, but Lumbergh seems to pull it off (and hell, George W. Bush was a 2 term president).
Michele Bachmann/Cruella de Vil
Michele Bachmann has a lot in common with Disney villainess Cruella de Vil from 101 Dalmatians, and not just because they both have that crazy ass look in their eyes, heavily sprayed heads of hair and both enjoy torturing puppies (probably).
Since back in 2003, Bachmann has made it her mission to create a constitutional ban on same sex marriage (possibly to keep her most-likely-closet-gay husband from divorcing her and marrying another man) in the same way that Cruella made it her life's ambition to make a fur coat out of adorable cuddly puppies.
They both have the kind of determination that only the insane have. And although never stated, I could totally see Cruella having a secretly gay husband who just loves shopping for her and buying her all those pretty sparkly things she wears, like those pageant dads on Toddlers & Tiaras.
Why This Makes Her A Great Potential President:
It doesn't. Look, I can't even joke about this one. The thought of "President Bachmann" sends more chills up my spine than even the thought of "President Palin" because people would actually take her seriously. And unlike very many other female candidates in the past, she's avoided a lot of sexually biased ridicule. Why? Because she's terrifying. And she would rule with an iron fist. She'd get everything she wanted done... but that is a horrible, frightening concept.
I’m not really convinced that ol' Newt actually wants to be President of the United States, but running for the office gives him plenty more chances to go on Fox News and spout his political ideology even more than he already does. I mean, he doesn’t stand much of a chance of winning, mostly due to the sad fact that he’s fat and old, and American voters of both parties just hate that (see: themselves).
We always vote for people who look good on television, and that sure ain't Newt.
Gingrich reminds me of Pozuzu, the demon who possesses twelve year old Reagan MacNeil in the horror classic The Exorcist.
Despite what a lot of people might remember, the demon in the Exorcist was NOT actually Satan, despite trying to pass himself off as the big guy, he was just another demon. Just one who got his kicks making little girls curse up a storm and defile themselves with crucifixes (in fairness to Newt, he probably doesn't get off on that. Or at least I hope not.) For a long time, Newt Gingrich was every bleeding heart liberal's idea of The Devil, back before it was common knowledge that it was really Karl Rove.
He's the closest to a "Satan" that liberals have had for even longer than George W. Bush or Sarah Palin. And how happily and casually he does such horrible things like leaving his wife right after she's diagnosed with cancer is what makes him exactly like the demon who possesses the little girl in The Exorcist.
Why This Makes Him A Great Potential President:
It would be kinda awesome to have a President whose State of the Union speeches were laced with such memorable profanities as "Your mother sucks c*cks in Hell!" while his head does 365 degree turns. I mean, what hostile nation would screw with a country whose leader does that?? It might even get me to vote Republican.
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