toys 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon

Jake Baumgart
1.9k votes 326 voters 11k views 22 items Embed

List Rules Vote up the G.I. Joe toys you never wanted to take on top secret missions

With so many Joes, it was inevitable that there would be stupid G.I. Joe action figures. G.I. Joe's tagline for most of the '80s and '90s was "A Real American Hero." That means that the vast and ever expanding G.I. Joe toy line tried to represent every facet of the American armed forces. As awesome as Hasbro was at churning these little plastic dudes they definitely missed the mark once or twice. 

That's why there were enough duds, losers, and outsiders for this extensive list of the Worst G.I. Joe action figures. This is for every kid that didn't know what to do with Mainframe or the child that had to come up with something cool for Dial Tone to do while the other heroes were at war against Cobra.

So vote up the most ridiculous G.I. Joe toys and characters below, then hop in the silliest G.I. Joe vehicle you can find and hit the road. 
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Quick Kick


Quick Kick is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: YoJoe
When you have two of the coolest ninjas in all of pop culture on your team, coming into Joe HQ looking like bad Bruce Lee cosplay just doesn't stack up. 
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Dial-Tone


Dial-Tone is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: YoJoe
This isn't to say that the man who operates the radio in combat isn't important. However, the code name and look of poor Dial-Tone ages like milk. Aside from the fact that a kid today would have no clue as to what a dial tone even is, but did he really need all that equipment to man a radio?
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2 people just voted on Colonel Courage


Colonel Courage is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: YoJoe
Make no mistake, the colonel's primary function in the G.I. Joe organization is as a pencil pusher. In fact, his file card goes over this again and again, even listing his primary specialty as administrative strategist. It looks like the position also comes with the perk of picking out your own code name too. 
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Sci Fi


Sci Fi is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: YoJoe
Let's try not to dock points for those lime green fatigues (have you seen the other Joes?) but when your specialty is "lasers" on a team where EVERYONE SHOOTS LASERS, it's hard to stand out. 
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Tollbooth


Tollbooth is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: YoJoe
This figure came with the Bridge Layer vehicle (that does exactly what it sounds like) and is totally one of those Joe positions that says, "Well, someone has to do it." But Tollbooth totally leaned into it and made himself of as the most badass DOT employee ever.
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3 people just voted on Banzai


Banzai is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: Water Farmer Toys
What isn't wrong with Banzai? Besides being a blonde white guy co-opting a Japanese battle cry, there's his andolier-thing made of several weapons that could turn a quick chest-punch into a mortal puncture wound. But fear not! He has also painted himself in magenta - the most ninja of all the colors!
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3 people just voted on Airtight


Airtight is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: YoJoe
Hasbro couldn't have known that Airtight was going to become a sexual euphemism in the future, but it's also pretty unfortunate that this guy's specialty is cleaning up after everyone. That's not a rifle, it's called a sniffer. 
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Mainframe


Mainframe is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list 22 G.I. Joe Action Figures You Wouldn't Want in Your Platoon
Photo: YoJoe
A Silicon Valley escapee, Mainframe's specialty is (you guessed it) computers. However, where most Joes came with too many weapons, Mainframe didn't come with any - just a CPU, hose, and phone. What the heck is this guy doing in the field?