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Investigatory JournalistDerek Zoolander: "Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your 'do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way'?"
Poor Derek. While speaking to investigatory journalist Matilda, he falls into a never-ending circle of speech that seems to go on forever. Little does he know that Matilda is actually on his side, not trying to leave people dead and bloodied and dying along the way to make a name for herself as an investigatory journalist.
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A Bad EugoogoolizerMatilda: "Derek? Derek, hey!"
Derek Zoolander: "What do you want?"
Matilda: "Actually, I'm trying to talk to Mugatu but he's tougher to get to than the president."
Derek Zoolander: "Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?"
Matilda: "A what?"
Derek Zoolander: "A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals."
(Matilda looks at Derek confused)
Derek Zoolander: "Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?"
It's a good thing that Derek Zoolander is really, really, really ridiculously good looking since as his creative pronunciation of eulogy, the speech he gave after his roommates all died in a freak gasoline fight accident, isn't going to win him a Nobel Prize anytime soon.
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AbodiginalsMatilda: "Uh, Derek, I don't know if you're familiar with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. It's the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. I mean, what are your thoughts on that as someone who gets his picture taken for a living?"
Derek Zoolander: "Well, I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many abodiginals do you see modeling?"
Derek Zoolander may be an airhead but he certainly has a point in this scene from the opening of the film. I can't say that I've ever seen an abodoginal modeling, or an abodiginal doing anything really. Derek: 1, Matilda: 0.
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MermanDerek Zoolander: (Speaking in a television commercial) "Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty."
Larry Zoolander: "Why'd you have to come back to this town?"
Derek Zoolander: "I wanted to create a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure, that my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, pop."
Larry Zoolander: "With what?!? Your male modeling?!? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?!? You're dead to me boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid."
Derek Zoolander: "Merman!" (coughs) "MERMAN!"
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Earth to MatildaDerek Zoolander: "Turn off my phone?"
Derek Zoolander: "Earth to Matilda, this phone is as much a part of me as..."
Matilda: "You know what, can we just cut it out with all the Earth-tos, please?"
Hansel: "We're not actually saying 'this is the Earth calling you,' Matilda."
Matilda: "Yeah, no, I got that. I understand you don't literally mean..."
Derek Zoolander: "Uh, no, I don't think you do. Listen, it's not like we think that we're actually in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something. Okay?"
As the third Earth-to joke of the movie, this one is easily the best. Following a night of passion, Matilda tries to keep Derek Zoolander safe as he heads to Mugatu's big fashion show but not before she's enlightened by the brilliant minds of Derek Zoolander and Hansel.
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Crazy PillsMugatu: "SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? NOTHING! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!"
Right as it's time for Derek Zoolander to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia, he stops, much to the displeasure of Mugatu, who follows with a lengthy tirade about everything from inventing the piano key necktie eons ago to how Derek Zoolander looks are all the same. As much as assassinating foreign leaders is bad, Mugatu does have a point.
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