- 1+ 10- 1
Investigatory JournalistvDerek Zoolander: "Do you understand that the world does not revolve around you and your 'do whatever it takes, ruin as many people's lives, so long as you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so long so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist, no matter how many friends you lose or people you leave dead and bloodied and dying along the way'?"
Poor Derek. While speaking to investigatory journalist Matilda, he falls into a never-ending circle of speech that seems to go on forever. Little does he know that Matilda is actually on his side, not trying to leave people dead and bloodied and dying along the way to make a name for herself as an investigatory journalist.
- 2+ 7- 1
A Bad EugoogoolizervMatilda: "Derek? Derek, hey!"
Derek Zoolander: "What do you want?"
Matilda: "Actually, I'm trying to talk to Mugatu but he's tougher to get to than the president."
Derek Zoolander: "Oh, I thought you were going to tell me what a bad eugoogoolizer I am?"
Matilda: "A what?"
Derek Zoolander: "A eugoogoolizer... one who speaks at funerals."
(Matilda looks at Derek confused)
Derek Zoolander: "Or did you think I'd be too stupid to know what a eugoogooly was?"
It's a good thing that Derek Zoolander is really, really, really ridiculously good looking since as his creative pronunciation of eulogy, the speech he gave after his roommates all died in a freak gasoline fight accident, isn't going to win him a Nobel Prize anytime soon.
- 3+ 5- 0
Magnum!vDerek Zoolander: "One look?... ONE LOOK?! I don't think so!"
(Derek reveals Magnum)
Hansel: "There it is"
Larry Zoolander: "Holy moly"
Maury Ballstein: "Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!"
After being told repeatedly that he only has one look, he just names it different things, Derek Zoolander unveils Magnum, the big look he's been working on for years. While it really is the same look at Blue Steel, Ferarri and Le Tigra, it stops Mugatu's throwing star in mid-air and saves the Prime Minister of Malaysia from a certain death.
- 4+ 6- 1
Crazy PillsvMugatu: "SHUT UP! Enough already, Ballstein! Who cares about Derek Zoolander anyway? The man has only one look, for Christ's sake! Blue Steel? Ferrari? Le Tigra? They're the same face! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills! I invented the piano key necktie, I invented it! What have you done, Derek? NOTHING! YOU'VE DONE NOTHING! NOTHIIIING! And I will be a monkey's uncle if I let you ruin this for me, because if you can't get the job done, then I will!"
Right as it's time for Derek Zoolander to kill the Prime Minister of Malaysia, he stops, much to the displeasure of Mugatu, who follows with a lengthy tirade about everything from inventing the piano key necktie eons ago to how Derek Zoolander looks are all the same. As much as assassinating foreign leaders is bad, Mugatu does have a point.
- 5+ 5- 1
I'm Not An Ambi-Turner
Derek Zoolander: "And all he had to do was turn left."
Matilda: "What do you mean?"
Derek Zoolander: "I'm not an ambi-turner. It's a problem I had since I was a baby. I can't turn left."
Matilda: "Derek, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm sure there are a lot of people out there who can't turn...I mean, there have got to be some people out there just like you who can't...turn...turn...left."
Showing us interesting new conditions we've never heard of before, Derek Zoolander painfully explains to Matilda about his problem turning... left. As Derek's agent Maury later explains, some models go right at the end of the runway and others turn left. Derek is no ambi-turner, he does not turn left.
- 6+ 5- 1
AbodiginalsvMatilda: "Uh, Derek, I don't know if you're familiar with the belief that some aboriginal tribes hold. It's the concept that a photo might steal a part of your soul. I mean, what are your thoughts on that as someone who gets his picture taken for a living?"
Derek Zoolander: "Well, I guess I would have to answer your question with another question. How many abodiginals do you see modeling?"
Derek Zoolander may be an airhead but he certainly has a point in this scene from the opening of the film. I can't say that I've ever seen an abodoginal modeling, or an abodiginal doing anything really. Derek: 1, Matilda: 0.
- 7+ 4- 0
Really, Really, Really, Ridiculously Good LookingvDerek Zoolander: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, really, ridiculously good looking. And I plan on finding out what that is."
After losing the Male Model of the Year Award in embarrassing fashion to rival model Hansel, Derek Zoolander has one of his deepest thoughts ever. Derek ponders if there's more to life than being nice on the eyes, much to the confusion of his model housemates.
- 8+ 4- 1
You Can Read Minds?vMatilda: "I couldn't understand why I didn't look like them. I just didn't get it so I became, so, um, I became..."
Derek Zoolander: "You can read minds?"
Since clearly Derek and Hansel see nothing wrong with throwing up after every meal, especially right before a big shoot or show, they are utterly perplexed when Matilda admits that she suffered from bulimia. To make matters worse, Derek confuses being bulimic with being someone who can read others' minds, which are two things that could not be more different from one another.
- 9+ 4- 1
MermanvDerek Zoolander: (Speaking in a television commercial) "Moisture is the essence of wetness, and wetness is the essence of beauty."
Larry Zoolander: "Why'd you have to come back to this town?"
Derek Zoolander: "I wanted to create a new life for myself. I'm sorry I was born with this perfect bone structure, that my hair looks better done up with gel and mousse than hidden under a stupid hat with a light on it. All I ever wanted to do was make you proud of me, pop."
Larry Zoolander: "With what?!? Your male modeling?!? Prancing around in your underwear with your wiener hanging out for everyone to see?!? You're dead to me boy. You're more dead to me than your dead mother. I just thank the lord she didn't live to see her son as a mermaid."
Derek Zoolander: "Merman!" (coughs) "MERMAN!"
- 10+ 3- 0
A Center For AntsvMugatu: "Let's get back to the reason that we're really here. Without much further ado, I give you the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good."
Derek Zoolander: (Looks at the tiny scale model of the proposed center) "What is this?!? A center for ants?!?"
Derek Zoolander: "How can we be expected to teach children to learn how to read if they can't even fit inside the building?"
Ah, poor Derek Zoolander is finally offered his own center for kids who can't read good and want to learn how to do other stuff good too, but in a confused state has no idea that the scale model he's shown of the building is only a tiny model, not the actual finished product.
- 11+ 5- 3
Earth to MatildavDerek Zoolander: "Turn off my phone?"
Derek Zoolander: "Earth to Matilda, this phone is as much a part of me as..."
Matilda: "You know what, can we just cut it out with all the Earth-tos, please?"
Hansel: "We're not actually saying 'this is the Earth calling you,' Matilda."
Matilda: "Yeah, no, I got that. I understand you don't literally mean..."
Derek Zoolander: "Uh, no, I don't think you do. Listen, it's not like we think that we're actually in a control tower trying to reach outer space aliens or something. Okay?"
As the third Earth-to joke of the movie, this one is easily the best. Following a night of passion, Matilda tries to keep Derek Zoolander safe as he heads to Mugatu's big fashion show but not before she's enlightened by the brilliant minds of Derek Zoolander and Hansel.
- 12+ 4- 2
Ex-Squeeze Me, But Have You Ever Heard of Styling Gel?vBrint: "Or the way Hansel combs his hair? "
Meekus: "Or like, doesn't, it's like, ex-squeeze me, but have you ever heard of styling gel?"
Brint: "I'm sure Hansel's heard of styling gel, he's a male model."
Meekus: "Uh, earth to Brint, I was making a joke."
Brint: "Uh, Earth to Meekus, duh, I knew that!"
Meekus: "Uh earth to Brint, I'm not so sure you did cuz you were all 'well I'm sure he's heard of styling gel' like you didn't know it was a joke! Ha ha ha!"
Brint: "I knew it was a joke Meekus, I just didn't get it right away!"
Meekus: "Earth to Brint..."
Derek Zoolander: "Would you guys stop it already?"
Nothing is funnier than a group of really ridiculously good looking, but extremely eggheaded male models arguing about styling gel. That is of course until you add in an Earth-to in every sentence! Rest in peace Brint, Meekus and Rufus.
- 13+ 3- 1
Why Do You Hate Male Models, Matilda?vDerek Zoolander: "Why do you hate models, Matilda?"
Matilda: "I think they're vain, stupid, and incredibly self-centered."
Hansel: "I totally agree with you. But how do you feel about male models?"
For a couple of male models who moments earlier were sworn enemies, Hansel and Derek Zoolander certainly make a good team when they pair up against Matilda for some highly stimulating talks. That's not the only thing they tag-team in the film but that's all we can describe in the PG version here.