Back in the days of lore, a visionary named Walt Disney created Disneyland. Little did he know what a pain in the ass it would become. While our parents regale us with stories of E-Tickets, Mule Trains, and $5 admissions, we have a more bitter view of what this park has really turned into.
Beginning with Eisner and continuing with the powers that be, this park is no longer The Happiest Place on Earth. It's not even The Second Happiest Place on Earth. It's now The Most Expensive Place on Earth.
You may have woken up one morning and thought, "I want to go to Disneyland." Hey, we've all been there. But hopefully your next thought was, "oh nevermind, Disney sucks." Want to know why Disney sucks? Look no further that this list of all the bad things about Disney and Disneyland. By the end, you'll probably be thinking, "I hate Disneyland" too.
Should you decide to beat the pavement with Mickey and Minnie, prepare to lose your wallet.Your soul. Your SANITY.
The Price of Admission
1955 - $1
1965 - $4
1975 - $6
1985 - $16.50
1995 - $33
2005 - $56
2009 - $62 (3-9) $72 (10+)
2013 - $81 (3-9) $87 (10+)
Somewhere, the board of directors are wiping their asses with Benjamin Franklins and blowing their noses with William McKinleys.
It's sick.For a park that has yet to create a NEW ride that doesn't involve shooting pretend lasers or an acid trip of Woozles, there is little satisfaction of selling a kidney or turning a trick just to get into the damn place.
The Wheelchair Poachers
My mother has rheumatoid arthritis. She turns 60 next year.
She deserves a goddamn wheel chair or an automatic scooter.
I won't even quibble about the price. If $40 means that woman can stroll around the park, uninhibited and pain-free, it's money well spent.
That is, if she can get to the park early enough to snag a chair or scooter before the armies of lazy people manage to roll their fat asses out of bed.
But what does Disneyland care? I've watched them give their last scooter to a 400lb woman, who actually COULD walk, because she happened to be in line before an elderly man with a cane.Why they don't require a disability placard or ID is beyond me. But if I see another family of four on scooters, lying out of their dimpled asses to the attendants so they can get in line faster than everyone else on Indiana Jones, I'm gonna throw them into Rivers of America and happily watch them drown.
The Tram Drivers
"Welcome to Disneyland. We ask that you keep your hands and arms inside the tram at all times. This includes your toes and fingers. This includes your toenails and fingernails. This includes your eyelashes and nose hair. Please collapse all strollers. Please no children on your lap unless they are under the age of 10. Disneyland will be open until midnight tonight. While you are here, you might want to check out the new parade on Main Street. When exiting the tram, please be sure to take your belongings with you. If you should lose an item while the tram is in motion, raise your hand and the driver will stop the tram so you can retrieve your item. When exiting the tram, make sure you exit to your right and watch your head. Again, we'd like to thank you for visiting Disneyland today. We hope you enjoy your stay with us today and if there is anything you need, simply ask the park attendant or report your needs to Disneyland Town Hall."What? Oh, sorry. Driver, you're all clear."
Aahhhhh....take a great big whiff. *sniiiiiiiffff*
You know what the smell is?
A lack of deodorant.
Between 50,000 - 80,000 people can fit into this park. When the Fire Marshall takes a day off, perhaps 100,000.
Half of those people have no idea where they are going or which rides they want to go on.
They are the ones who are walking and abruptly stop in the middle off the path to study their map.
They are the ones who take forever to get on a ride.
They are the ones who take forever to get off a ride.
They are the ones who cut in front of you in a line.
Or, my personal favorite, the ones who show up en masse of 20 to join their one friend who's been holding a place in line. Just when you think you're about to get on, an entire busload of people jump in front of you and you're stuck waiting another 15 minutes for a friggin' five minute ride.And this is called having a good time.