The Nimbus 2000
Okay, Mattel, who the hell are we kidding? For those who haven't heard of this, this is basically a toy that came out, was used for *ahem* by very young teenage girls because it was a broomstick, just like in Harry Potter (that vibrated vigorously).
Now, the good people at Mattell didn't "mean" for this to happen, but it calls to attention the very argument that makes me question exactly how these things come to fruition in the first place: How many freaking levels of development do toys go through? During this ENTIRE process not a single person stops to think "wow, we're just making the world's cheapest, coolest-looking 30 inch vibrator"? Really?
Not only this, but it has a grooved stick and handle for easy riding.
According to news reports and some hilariously clueless Amazon.com reviews, the Nimbus 2000 has the following results:
"When my 12-year-old daughter asked for this for her birthday, I kind of wondered if she was too old for it, but she seems to love it."
"even my daughter's friends enjoy playing with this fun toy. I was surprised at how long they can just sit in her room and play with this magic broomstick!"
When asked about the situation a representative from Mattel told reports that "As always, the well-being of the children is our top priority, and we in no way consider this toy to be inappropriate."
So basically, let the kids m********e!If you're interested in purchasing some sex toys, click here for a 20% discount. (CODE: AECOUPON) EXP: 06/30/2016
Guido Sex Doll
The Jersey Shore folks have brought us all a lot of joy, entertainment, and a new level, a new caliber, even, of douche from which to measure all other douches.
So what is the next step in this very close, budding relationship between America and the douchebags you usually avoid at clubs because they always spill their drinks and/or dance too hard? That's right, it's a love doll that allows the American (and now the international) public to dig deep into their pockets to play with and have sex with blow-up dolls that look like them.
This hilarious quote (that I'm not sure anyone ever actually said on the show): "Whatta Friggin' Zippahead!" is plastered on the box, perhaps the mating call of the average Guido.
So, the doll probably looks nothing like the guy on the cover, which leaves what? That's right, you just bought an extra-expensive blow up dude of a guy with s**tty hair, hard pecs and defined abs, aka "a regular blow-up doll."
Don't worry, though, guys can also partake in the Guido Love Doll with the (and they really thought this one out here) Guidette Love Doll. The Guidette Love Doll is basically a blow-up doll of a s**tty looking girl with big breasts, a constantly open mouth, and hair so ugly you have to put a wig over it to make it look real, aka a "regular blow-up doll". You can buy it here.
Either way you swing, turns out these things are available on amazon.com, so get your wishlists ready for December, people! (God help us all).
Click here to buy it, and to make sure it's real. They really sell these. We live in THAT kind of world.
Product Description on box, which shows the beauty of trying to outsource your sexy product descriptions:
Now you can have your very own version of Jersey's most juiced-up gigolo! Meet Guido, the bronzed-up zippahead [once again, they never say this in the show] with rock-hard abs and more juice than Tropicana. Just add air and this pumped-up douche bag is ready to make your fist-pump and your panties wet. He's got a beefy Italian sausage under his jeans and more lines than loose leaf. Give this greaseball a chance to get in your pants and ride his Italian stallion. Whaddaya Stumad?If you're interested in purchasing some sex toys, click here for a 20% discount. (CODE: AECOUPON) EXP: 06/30/2016
The Mojowijo - The Wii Sex Toy
Maybe they should rename this system, but only when it's being used for this game, "The Wheee!" or even better yet, the "Oui" (this will be the all-black, more sophisticated version).
Announced in September of 2010, the Mojowijo is a game for the Wii that you can hook-up, set up to the custom controllers to the left (which work for both males and females) and then play games with. Kind of like being on the opposite end of a tennis match, any movement the partner "throws" or "thrusts" gets reflected onto the other controller.
With an internet connection, this even works if your lover is in another state, country or continent.
This will not only revolutionize long-distance relationships, but the embarrassment of getting caught playing video games when your roommate comes home (if you haven't taken out the garbage.)If you're interested in purchasing some sex toys, click here for a 20% discount. (CODE: AECOUPON) EXP: 06/30/2016
The perfect stalking stuffer for the necrophile in your family, this zombie d***o (made, cleverly, by a company called Necronomicox), is exactly what it sounds like -- no, it's not a flaccid toy, it's a toy meant to mimic a zombie's penis.
Taking the whole "Twilight d***o" concept to a new level of creepy, this one isn't only supposed to "feel" dead, but it looks dead, which is an immediate turn-off for most people (but once again, to each their own.) It includes puss-filled boils, ripping flesh and open sores (so really, it's probably just like being with Warren Beatty, who has reportedly been with over 60 women.)
If that's not enough of a turn-off, it's also really, really, expensive, coming in at $195.
Although you don't always have to go for actively rotting, this rubber dong is meticulously crafted and hand-painted to your sick-ass specifications.
This hand crafted and body safe (7-inch!) silicone d***o is more detailed than any d***o you have ever seen before.
The artists not only have sculpted an insane monstrosity for you from the influence of some of your favorite horror classics... but they also hand paint each d***o, so if anyone says anything, you can be a pretentious ass about it.
If you're not into the Necronomicox, you can also go here to buy a brand new bullet that comes in a little coffin and is colored lime green, custom-made for your more conservative necrophiliacs.If you're interested in purchasing some sex toys, click here for a 20% discount. (CODE; AECOUPON) EXP: 06/30/2016