Schools 8 Lamest Ways to Start an Essay  

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There are great ways to start an essay. You can catch your teacher's eye and get an A+ for it. Unfortunately, great ways don't come that easily. In fact, for most of us, yours truly included, they don't come at all. Therefore, sometimes we just have to stick to the oldest and lamest ways to do it.
The Storyteller is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list 8 Lamest Ways to Start an Essay
Photo:  uploaded by mwahahahaha

The Storyteller

Everyone loves a good story, but some stories are just plain lame. To start an essay with one can give a rubbishy first impression. Now, I'm not saying you can't start an essay with a new, astonishing story that will captivate the reader, etc., etc., but the Boy Who Cried Wolf isn't going to impress anyone. Trust me. 

Example:There once was a rabbit and a tortoise. One day, the rabbit challenged the tortoise to a race. The rabbit had the upper hand at first. Suddenly, the sweet aroma of carrots lured the rabbit behind a tree. He was astonished to discover rows of carrots lying on the ground! He ate and he slept, thinking it would take the tortoise a lot of time to catch up. When he finally woke up, he saw the tortoise nearing the end. The rabbit tried to overtake the tortoise, but in vain. He had lost the race. What does this story tell us? ... ... ... ... ... ... Hey, what's with those dots? What do you think this is? morse code?
Straight to the Point is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list 8 Lamest Ways to Start an Essay
Photo:  uploaded by mwahahahaha

Straight to the Point

Going straight to the point shows that you don't care for traditional, mind-numbing beginnings, but at the same time, it can give your essay a matter-of-fact or even dull tone. It also isn't very creative. When you copy directly from the rubrics, well, I think you can guess what will become of your essay, copycat. 

Example:Question: 'The Paris Peace Conference was a main cause of the Second World War. Explain. Your essay: The Paris Peace Conference was a main cause of the Second World War. My explanation is that...

(If you didn't understand the picture, try clicking on it.)
The Old Quote is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list 8 Lamest Ways to Start an Essay
Photo:  uploaded by mwahahahaha

The Old Quote

Got a new, exciting quote that will make everyone leap with joy? Awesome! Got an well-known quote but planning to interpret it in a new and exciting way? Great! Got an old, over-quoted quote that will make everyone fall asleep? Yawn. Seriously, we do NOT need to be reminded that a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step. With all due respect to the founder of Daoism and one of the greatest thinkers in world history, I think the version with broken tyres is more interesting. 

Examples of quotes that will likely put people to sleep:To be or not to be, that is the question.Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration.I disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. (Not meaningless, but abused way too often. A: @#$% *&^*($@! B: You shouldn't swear. A: Hey, you may not agree with swearing, but you're supposed to defend to the death my right to say it. Voltaire said that!)

 Examples of quotes that are good:To be or not to be, that isn't the question unless you or your twin brother is called Toby.Genius is 1% perspiration and 99% commerce.I disagree with what you say, and what you say is way over the mark, and I don't approve of that.
Background Noise is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list 8 Lamest Ways to Start an Essay
Photo: Syria Freedom/Flickr

Background Noise

Yes, we all know that we shouldn't dive in without telling the reader what's going on. However, that doesn't mean you should spend five paragraphs on the background, do you? (OK, maybe you should, but only if you're writing thirty pages.) Your reader isn't going to be impressed with your extensive knowledge of the Arab Spring, the Franco-Prussian War or even the development of the flushing toilet (weird, huh)?

Especially bad are the essay openings which describe a current affair in extensive detail when it's barely even related to the issues at hand. If you've got a lot to say about the teenage drug problem, you don't have to waste your ink on one recent incident. 

Bad example:Not long ago, I opened the paper to find an eye-catching title (not): Teenage Boy Found Smoking Pot In Secret. Goose bumps crept up my spine as I read the words of the haunting article (because of the air conditioning). How could such a young boy engage in such an activity? The boy had a bright future before him, and he was lured into destroying it completely by consuming a dangerous drug? (Extensive detail about the police investigation, the boy's family history up to five generations, nearly everyone at his school, the story of the boy's life, etc., etc., etc.)(ten pages later)This type of incident should not be allowed to happen again. Therefore, I propose that the following measures be taken...