Photo:
Watchworthy
467 voters

The Funniest Things Mitch Hedberg Ever Said

Updated August 12, 2017 3.3k votes 467 voters 33.7k views

List RulesVote up or down on your favorite quotes

A list of quotes from Mitch Hedberg. Here are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes on various subjects. The Mitch Hedberg quotations list is sorted by popularity, so only the best quotes are at the top of the list. Enjoy these sayings coined by Mitch Hedberg. You may want to copy this fact-based list to build your own just like it, re-rank it to fit your opinions, then publish it to share it with your Twitter followers, Facebook friends or with any other social networks you use regularly. If you like Mitch Hedberg then you should also see our Hollywood quotes, sarcasm quotes and self confidence quotes.
...more
  • 26
    38
    7

    I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside. Look out, he's fuzzy, let's get out of here.

  • 27
    39
    9

    I was walking by a dry cleaner at three a.m., and it said "Sorry, we're closed." You don't have to be sorry. It's three a.m., and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk by at ten and say, "Hey, I walked by at three, you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology. This jacket would be halfway done!"

  • 28
    37
    9

    I don't have a microwave oven but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.

  • 29
    36
    9

    I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music", as if there is any other way you can take it in. You're not special, that's how I receive it too. I tried to taste it but it did not work.

  • 30
    32
    6

    Fish are always eating other fish. If fish could scream, the ocean would be loud as shit. You would not want to submerge your head, nothing but fish going "Ahhh, fuck! I thought I looked like that rock!"

  • 31
    29
    5

    I just bought a 2-bedroom house, but I think I get to decide how many bedrooms there are, don't you? "Fuck you, Real Estate Lady! This bedroom has an oven in it! This bedroom's got a lot of people sitting around watching TV. This bedroom is A.K.A hallway. This bedroom's over in that guy's house! Sir, you have one of my bedrooms, are you aware? Don't decorate it."

  • 32
    27
    4

    I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

  • 33
    32
    9

    I like vending machines 'cuz snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes, I will drop it so that it achieves it's maximum flavor potential.

  • 34
    32
    10

    My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "no, but I want a regular banana later, so ... yeah".

  • 35
    27
    5

    This is what my friend said to me; he said, "Guess what I like? Mashed potatoes." It's like,"Dude. you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you have to insert a pause."

  • 36
    34
    12

    I was gonna get a candy bar; the button I was supposed to push was "HH", so I went to the side, I found the "H" button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin'...potato chips came out man, 'cause they had a "HH" button, for Christ's sakes! You need to let me know. I'm not familiar with the concept of "HH". I did not learn my AA-BB-CC's. God god dammit dammit."

  • 37
    27
    6

    I saw this commercial on late night TV, it was for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it was like "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean."

  • 38
    24
    4

    So I wish I could play little league now, I'd kick some fuckin' ass.

  • 39
    28
    8

    I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

  • 40
    27
    8

    My apartment is infested with koala bears. Its the cutest infestation ever. Much better than cockroaches.

  • 41
    24
    6

    My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower, does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

  • 42
    24
    6

    My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on four billion! Fuck! Seven. Not even close. I need some more dice. Four billion divided by six, at least."

  • 43
    23
    5

    Hey this jokes on the first CD but I added a new line so I can't fuckin’ rob you of this one. I got a ant farm but them fellas didn't grow shit. I said “C’mon what about some celery. You fuckers don’t farm; plus, if I tore your legs off you would look like snowmen. That's the new part.”

  • 44
    23
    6

    They say Flintstone's vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstone's vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."

  • 45
    23
    6

    Vending machines are big part of my life, I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up, that's a good invention, before that it was hard times for the vending machine owners, "What candy bar are you getting?", "That one, and every one on the bottom row!"

  • 46
    23
    6

    My friend said to me, "I think the weather's trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should've just said, 'Yeah.'"

  • 47
    23
    7

    Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"

  • 48
    21
    4

    When you buy a box of Ritz crackers, on the back of the box, they have all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. "Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter." But I like crackers man, that's why I bought it, 'cause I like crackers! I don't see a suggestion to put a Ritz on top of a Ritz. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates! You've got no faith in the product itself.

  • 49
    24
    8

    I didn’t go to college but if I did I would’ve taken all my tests at a restaurant cuz “The customer’s always right.”

  • 50
    23
    8

    If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.