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The Funniest Things Mitch Hedberg Ever Said

Updated August 12, 2017 3.3k votes 461 voters 33.6k views

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A list of quotes from Mitch Hedberg. Here are the best Mitch Hedberg quotes on various subjects. The Mitch Hedberg quotations list is sorted by popularity, so only the best quotes are at the top of the list. Enjoy these sayings coined by Mitch Hedberg. You may want to copy this fact-based list to build your own just like it, re-rank it to fit your opinions, then publish it to share it with your Twitter followers, Facebook friends or with any other social networks you use regularly. If you like Mitch Hedberg then you should also see our Hollywood quotes, sarcasm quotes and self confidence quotes.
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  • 1
    130
    18

    I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

  • 2
    104
    11

    I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

  • 3
    92
    7

    I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.

  • 4
    92
    8

    I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

  • 5
    93
    11

    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

  • 6
    80
    8

    One time, this guy handed me a picture of him, he said,"Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "You son-of-a-bitch! How'd you pull that off? Lemme see that camera!"

  • 7
    73
    6

    I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

  • 8
    69
    4

    You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.

  • 9
    87
    17

    I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

  • 10
    75
    9

    You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"... Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

  • 11
    62
    8

    I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

  • 12
    52
    7

    "I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar! My fan fucking lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit."

  • 13
    50
    5

    I wrote a script and gave it to a guy that reads scripts. And he read it and said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to rewrite it. I said, "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."

  • 14
    52
    10

    I sit at my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.

  • 15
    52
    10

    If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it!, build a house. Well, I was lost but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament.

  • 16
    47
    6

    Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier'n helpin' 'em move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

  • 17
    43
    4

    I have a king sized bed, I don't know any kings, but if I ever meet one I can tell him "You will not believe what I have in store for you!" "This is made to your exact specifications!" When I was little I used to lay in my twin sized bed at night wondering where my brother was.

  • 18
    52
    13

    I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

  • 19
    61
    20

    I can't tell you what hotel I'm stayin' in, but I can say that there are two trees involved. They said, "Let's call this hotel "Something...Tree", so they had a meeting; it...it was quite short. "How 'bout Tree?" "No, Double Tree." "Hell yeah! Meeting adjourned!" I had my heart set on "Quadruple Tree"... damnit, we were almost there!

  • 20
    47
    8

    I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

  • 21
    43
    6

    This shirt is "dry-clean only"...which means it's dirty.

  • 22
    46
    8

    On a stop light green means go and yellow means slow down, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means, 'where the fuck did you get that banana at?'

  • 23
    42
    6

    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

  • 24
    38
    7

    Is a hippopotamus really a hippopotomus or just a really cool opotamus?

  • 25
    40
    9

    I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.