Without Alfred Pennyworth, there would be no Batman. Depending on which version of the mythology you prefer, Alfred is either a rough and tumble British bloke with a mysterious past, or a well-trained servant who’s way too good with computers for a septuagenarian. In every iteration of the character, though, Alfred the butler mocks Batman. Most billionaires-turned-superheroes would probably fire their help if they spoke to them the way Alfred jokes with Bruce, but Alfred keeps the world’s greatest detective grounded; keeps the hype from going to Bruce’s head. In celebration of everyone’s favorite butler, this list compiles Alfred Pennyworth's best burns.
Whether you like your Alfreds lean and mean like Gotham’s Sean Pertwee, or you prefer Michael Gough’s wise elderly take on the character in Tim Burton's Batman films, there are plenty of sick Alfred burns on this list. It would seem that there isn’t one version of the Dark Knight (animated or otherwise) where Alfred doesn’t give Bruce Wayne a piece of his mind whenever he feels like it.
One of the best things about these droll zingers is that you can tell they come from a place of love. After all, it’s not every day that you meet someone who’ll cook you breakfast after a long night spent fighting crime in Gotham. Vote up the best of Alfred’s zingers, and if we left one of your favorite dry, British Alfredisms off the list, make sure to tell us about it in the comments.
list ordered by
What is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?
Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.
You really scared me Master Bruce. If you had died... Who employs butlers any more?
I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee, bandages.
If it's suicide you're after, I have an old family recipe. It's slow and painful. You'd like it.
I drew you a bath.
You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.
With all those compartments on your belt, you'd think there'd be one for tissues.
You really are quite bright, despite what people say.
Even you've got too old to die young, not for lack of trying.
There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.
Sir, may I suggest you try to avoid landing on your head?
Only vampires loathe daylight more than Batman.
Batman may have made the front page, but Bruce Wayne got pushed to page eight.
You can borrow the Rolls if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank.
Remember, there are many species in which the female is deadlier than the male.
As they say on the streets, "I ain't touchin' that one."
You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.
This somnambulism is becoming a problem especially for those of us with a penchant for sleeping at night.
Shall we change the channel to a program with some dignity and class? The Love Connection, perhaps?
Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?