VOTE 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard  

Jacob Shelton
4.9k votes 598 voters 12.1k views 22 items

Without Alfred Pennyworth, there would be no Batman. Depending on which version of the mythology you prefer, Alfred is either a rough and tumble British bloke with a mysterious past, or a well-trained servant who’s way too good with computers for a septuagenarian. In every iteration of the character, though, Alfred the butler mocks Batman. Most billionaires-turned-superheroes would probably fire their help if they spoke to them the way Alfred jokes with Bruce, but Alfred keeps the world’s greatest detective grounded; keeps the hype from going to Bruce’s head. In celebration of everyone’s favorite butler, this list compiles Alfred Pennyworth's best burns.

Whether you like your Alfreds lean and mean like Gotham’s Sean Pertwee, or you prefer Michael Gough’s wise elderly take on the character in Tim Burton's Batman films, there are plenty of sick Alfred burns on this list. It would seem that there isn’t one version of the Dark Knight (animated or otherwise) where Alfred doesn’t give Bruce Wayne a piece of his mind whenever he feels like it.

One of the best things about these droll zingers is that you can tell they come from a place of love. After all, it’s not every day that you meet someone who’ll cook you breakfast after a long night spent fighting crime in Gotham. Vote up the best of Alfred’s zingers, and if we left one of your favorite dry, British Alfredisms off the list, make sure to tell us about it in the comments.
list ordered by

1
309 29
Why you're the very model ... is listed (or ranked) 1 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.

2
314 31
What is the point of all those... is listed (or ranked) 2 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
What is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

3
263 31
You really scared me Master Br... is listed (or ranked) 3 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
You really scared me Master Bruce. If you had died... Who employs butlers any more?

4
241 31
I'll prepare your usual br... is listed (or ranked) 4 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee, bandages.

5
230 36
If it's suicide you're... is listed (or ranked) 5 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
If it's suicide you're after, I have an old family recipe. It's slow and painful. You'd like it.

6
247 43
I drew you a bath. is listed (or ranked) 6 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
I drew you a bath.

7
226 40
You start pretending to have f... is listed (or ranked) 7 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.

8
212 41
With all those compartments on... is listed (or ranked) 8 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
With all those compartments on your belt, you'd think there'd be one for tissues.

9
179 31
You really are quite bright, d... is listed (or ranked) 9 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
You really are quite bright, despite what people say.

10
165 27
There are certain advantages t... is listed (or ranked) 10 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.

11
207 47
Even you've got too old to... is listed (or ranked) 11 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Even you've got too old to die young, not for lack of trying.

12
183 38
Sir, may I suggest you try to ... is listed (or ranked) 12 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Sir, may I suggest you try to avoid landing on your head?

13
169 33
Only vampires loathe daylight ... is listed (or ranked) 13 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Only vampires loathe daylight more than Batman.

14
157 45
Batman may have made the front... is listed (or ranked) 14 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Batman may have made the front page, but Bruce Wayne got pushed to page eight.

15
154 44
You can borrow the Rolls if yo... is listed (or ranked) 15 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
You can borrow the Rolls if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank.

16
134 45
Remember, there are many speci... is listed (or ranked) 16 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Remember, there are many species in which the female is deadlier than the male.

17
123 39
You look very fashionable. Apa... is listed (or ranked) 17 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.

18
134 47
As they say on the streets, &#... is listed (or ranked) 18 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
As they say on the streets, "I ain't touchin' that one."

19
117 40
This somnambulism is becoming ... is listed (or ranked) 19 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
This somnambulism is becoming a problem especially for those of us with a penchant for sleeping at night.

20
118 43
Shall we change the channel to... is listed (or ranked) 20 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Shall we change the channel to a program with some dignity and class? The Love Connection, perhaps?

21
129 55
Can I persuade you to take a s... is listed (or ranked) 21 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

22
108 41
Must you be the only lonely ma... is listed (or ranked) 22 on the list 22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard
Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?