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22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard

Without Alfred Pennyworth, there would be no Batman. Depending on which version of the mythology you prefer, Alfred is either a rough and tumble British bloke with a mysterious past, or a well-trained servant who’s way too good with computers for a septuagenarian. In every iteration of the character, though, Alfred the butler mocks Batman. Most billionaires-turned-superheroes would probably fire their help if they spoke to them the way Alfred jokes with Bruce, but Alfred keeps the world’s greatest detective grounded; keeps the hype from going to Bruce’s head. In celebration of everyone’s favorite butler, this list compiles Alfred Pennyworth's best burns.

Whether you like your Alfreds lean and mean like Gotham’s Sean Pertwee, or you prefer Michael Gough’s wise elderly take on the character in Tim Burton's Batman films, there are plenty of sick Alfred burns on this list. It would seem that there isn’t one version of the Dark Knight (animated or otherwise) where Alfred doesn’t give Bruce Wayne a piece of his mind whenever he feels like it.

One of the best things about these droll zingers is that you can tell they come from a place of love. After all, it’s not every day that you meet someone who’ll cook you breakfast after a long night spent fighting crime in Gotham. Vote up the best of Alfred’s zingers, and if we left one of your favorite dry, British Alfredisms off the list, make sure to tell us about it in the comments.
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list ordered by
  • Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.
    1

    Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.

  • What is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?
    2

    What is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

  • I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee, bandages.
    3

    I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee, bandages.

  • You really scared me Master Bruce. If you had died... Who employs butlers any more?
    4

    You really scared me Master Bruce. If you had died... Who employs butlers any more?

  • I drew you a bath.
    5

    I drew you a bath.

  • You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.
    6

    You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.

  • If it's suicide you're after, I have an old family recipe. It's slow and painful. You'd like it.
    7

    If it's suicide you're after, I have an old family recipe. It's slow and painful. You'd like it.

  • Only vampires loathe daylight more than Batman.
    8

    Only vampires loathe daylight more than Batman.

  • With all those compartments on your belt, you'd think there'd be one for tissues.
    9

    With all those compartments on your belt, you'd think there'd be one for tissues.

  • You really are quite bright, despite what people say.
    10

    You really are quite bright, despite what people say.

  • Sir, may I suggest you try to avoid landing on your head?
    11

    Sir, may I suggest you try to avoid landing on your head?

  • There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.
    12

    There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.

  • Even you've got too old to die young, not for lack of trying.
    13

    Even you've got too old to die young, not for lack of trying.


  • As they say on the streets, "I ain't touchin' that one."
    14

    As they say on the streets, "I ain't touchin' that one."

  • You can borrow the Rolls if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank.
    15

    You can borrow the Rolls if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank.

  • This somnambulism is becoming a problem especially for those of us with a penchant for sleeping at night.
    16

    This somnambulism is becoming a problem especially for those of us with a penchant for sleeping at night.


  • Batman may have made the front page, but Bruce Wayne got pushed to page eight.
    17

    Batman may have made the front page, but Bruce Wayne got pushed to page eight.

  • You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.
    18

    You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.

  • Remember, there are many species in which the female is deadlier than the male.
    19

    Remember, there are many species in which the female is deadlier than the male.


  • Shall we change the channel to a program with some dignity and class? The Love Connection, perhaps?
    20

    Shall we change the channel to a program with some dignity and class? The Love Connection, perhaps?

  • Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
    21

    Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?

  • Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?
    22

    Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?