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22 Times Alfred Zinged Batman Super Hard

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Without Alfred Pennyworth, there would be no Batman. Depending on which version of the mythology you prefer, Alfred is either a rough and tumble British bloke with a mysterious past, or a well-trained servant who’s way too good with computers for a septuagenarian. In every iteration of the character, though, Alfred the butler mocks Batman. Most billionaires-turned-superheroes would probably fire their help if they spoke to them the way Alfred jokes with Bruce, but Alfred keeps the world’s greatest detective grounded; keeps the hype from going to Bruce’s head. In celebration of everyone’s favorite butler, this list compiles Alfred Pennyworth's best burns.

Whether you like your Alfreds lean and mean like Gotham’s Sean Pertwee, or you prefer Michael Gough’s wise elderly take on the character in Tim Burton's Batman films, there are plenty of sick Alfred burns on this list. It would seem that there isn’t one version of the Dark Knight (animated or otherwise) where Alfred doesn’t give Bruce Wayne a piece of his mind whenever he feels like it.

One of the best things about these droll zingers is that you can tell they come from a place of love. After all, it’s not every day that you meet someone who’ll cook you breakfast after a long night spent fighting crime in Gotham. Vote up the best of Alfred’s zingers, and if we left one of your favorite dry, British Alfredisms off the list, make sure to tell us about it in the comments.
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  • 1
    393
    24

    Why you're the very model of sanity. Oh by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.

  • 2
    333
    30

    You really scared me Master Bruce. If you had died... Who employs butlers any more?

  • 3
    353
    39

    I drew you a bath.

  • 4
    284
    33

    You start pretending to have fun, you might even have a little by accident.

  • 5
    278
    34

    If it's suicide you're after, I have an old family recipe. It's slow and painful. You'd like it.

  • 6
    238
    24

    Only vampires loathe daylight more than Batman.

  • 7
    384
    84

    What is the point of all those push-ups if you can't even lift a bloody log?

  • 8
    231
    26

    You really are quite bright, despite what people say.

  • 9
    237
    33

    Sir, may I suggest you try to avoid landing on your head?

  • 10
    215
    25

    There are certain advantages to having a sturdy cranium, Master Bruce. But then, hardheadedness was always your virtue.

  • 11
    331
    77

    I'll prepare your usual breakfast: toast, coffee, bandages.

  • 12
    244
    41

    Even you've got too old to die young, not for lack of trying.


  • 13
    206
    41

    You can borrow the Rolls if you like. Just bring it back with a full tank.

  • 14
    192
    39

    As they say on the streets, "I ain't touchin' that one."

  • 15
    197
    49

    Batman may have made the front page, but Bruce Wayne got pushed to page eight.

  • 16
    170
    37

    You look very fashionable. Apart from the mud.

  • 17
    266
    93

    With all those compartments on your belt, you'd think there'd be one for tissues.

  • 18
    172
    42

    Remember, there are many species in which the female is deadlier than the male.


  • 19
    166
    49

    Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?

  • 20
    145
    38

    Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?

  • 21
    161
    93

    This somnambulism is becoming a problem especially for those of us with a penchant for sleeping at night.


  • 22
    155
    106

    Shall we change the channel to a program with some dignity and class? The Love Connection, perhaps?