The world we’re living in is bananas. Everything is upside down and scary, but at least we can count on Steven Seagal to constantly be doing something completely bonkers to let us know the world is still spinning. Seagal, the aikido master/bluesman/movie star, has made a lot of egregious claims throughout his life, and most of them are about his weird pre-fame jobs. And his mid-fame jobs, when he was sought out by government agencies to turn their forces into mini-Seagals.
Steven Seagal pre-fame jobs encompass everything from business owner to spokesmodel to "sword authenticator," but those are some of the most down-to-Earth of his insane jobs. If someone told you they had all of Steven Seagal's weird jobs, and they weren’t Steven “bluesman” Seagal, you would call them a liar. But because all of these stories came right from Seagal's mouth, you can believe them with total impunity.
Steven Seagal's jobs outside of acting have led to some of the most ludicrous Steven Seagal stories, like the time he moved to Japan at the age of 17 to teach English and become a Zen master. What’s so great about that story is that it’s not made up or fake in any way. It definitely happened, just like all the weird jobs Steven Seagal has claimed to have had.
Ask yourself: why would Steven Seagal make these thing up? He’s already cool enough without lying about training CIA operatives, so all of these stories about Steven Seagal’s pre-fame jobs must be true.
Many of Seagal's professions are nothing more than hearsay, whispered in back rooms by men with ponytails wearing ancient No Fear shirts emblazoned with yin-yangs. Sometimes these jobs seem like something Seagal would do, but you can't write about them because the sources are dudes on muscle-building forums (the least trustworthy of all the online forums), but then Playboy will print something so wonderful you have to tell everyone. The gentlemen's magazine wrote an article on Seagal's ties to Russia, where they noted, "major auction houses call on him to authenticate samurai swords, as he is one of the world’s foremost experts."
Can you imagine making a trip to Seagal's Sedona, AZ, mansion, and watching him swing around a priceless blade and blather on about learning the ways of the samurai in Shaolin or whatever? "Sword authenticator" already sounds like a pretty lame job, but Steven Seagal somehow makes it sound worse. Or better? No, no, way worse.
You wouldn't understand, but you're never not a bluesman. A bluesman has blues in his veins. He lives and dies by the blues. He eats, sleeps, drinks, and f*cks the blues. The same goes for any other aphorisms that can be applied to the blues.
When Seagal isn't kicking ass in close-up shots and cooling his heels in Russia, he's playing that axe of his and letting his fingers weep. His group, the Steven Seagal Blues Band, is currently available for worldwide bookings, they've been referred to as "playful rather than technically dazzling," and they sound just like your dad's band.
According to Seagal in the opening episode of his A&E show Steven Seagal: Lawman, he had been "working as an officer in Jefferson Parish for two decades under most people's radar." Which just can't be true. Right? Either Seagal is a liar and never worked for the Jefferson Parish Sheriff's Department, or he worked for them in some kind of Dwight Shrute capacity, where no one knew what he was doing, or people were constantly saying, "Hey, aren't you Steven Seagal? What's up with your hair?" There are literally no other options.
After leaving his home precinct of Jefferson Parish after two seasons – and 20 wonderful/possibly imagined years – he moved on to working with Joe Arpaio, America’s self-proclaimed “toughest sheriff,” on the Arizona-Mexico border. Are guys that patrol the border (who aren't Border Patrol Agents) members of the Sheriff's Department? Or are they just armed vigilantes?
Seagal downplays it now, but throughout the '80s and early '90s, he really wanted people to think he was hired by the CIA to turn them into ponytailed karate men. He told the Los Angeles Times in 1988:
"These guys were my students. They saw my abilities both with martial arts and with the language. You can say that I became an adviser to several CIA agents in the field, and, through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors.”
But that's not all. Seagal also claims to have worked as a CIA security specialist who protected the Shah of Iran, South African Archbishop Desmond Tutu, and Egyptian President Anwar Sadat. The CIA famously doesn't talk about who its operatives are, but a source told People that Mssr. Seagal's story is "improbable."