We here in the sexually liberated present know that all those ancient people were uptight prudes, right? Well not so fast, my little rhetorical device - many historical cultures were actually filled with filthy perverts just like us. In fact, there are plenty of ancient Egyptian sex toys, but these days, the ancient Egyptians are famous for three things: the pyramids, mummy curses, and crocodile dung birth control.
What's that? Not as familiar with that last one? Well, it's no surprise. Sadly, many ancient Egyptian sexual artifacts have been lost to history due to the prudishness of the uptight explorers that discovered them. Victorian-era archeologists (and seventh-grade history teachers) didn't feel that it was right to expose the populace to this view of ancient society - but fortunately, modern archeologists are much less afraid to get dirty and exhibit all of Egypt's dirty little secrets. These are some sex toys ancient Egyptians used to get it on.
After-Death Penis Extensions
The ancient Egyptians had a number of devices designed to get the most out of their post-mortem orgasms. As you may have heard, the Egyptians were big on the whole life-after-death thing and dedicated enormous amounts of preparation into their after-party plans. They loaded up their tombs with everything they could possibly need on the other side - food, drink, loyal servants, paddle-shaped fertility dolls, extendable penises, fake nipples - you know, all the important stuff.
Indeed, Egyptian sarcophagi have been found with false penises attached, the thought being that they would become fully functional in the afterlife, where their promiscuity could live on. Just goes to show that men will go to any length to get a little more length, even if it means dying to do it.
Never let it be said that the ancient Egyptians didn't know how to get down. Not only were they enthusiasts of traditional party drugs like alcohol, cocaine, and marijuana, but they also had their own unique concoction that made for some epic Nile-side all-nighters. Blue water lilies (aka lotuses) had an important place in ancient Egyptian culture; they were used for their medicinal qualities, as a perfume, a sacred decoration, and they were seen as symbols of the gods Nefertem, Qedeshet, and Ra. Also, they were turned into ecstasy wine and used as orgy fuel.
When lotuses are soaked in wine they change chemically, infusing the brew with aporphine and nuciferine and giving it an effect "much like cannabis, codeine or propoxyphene; maybe a little hallucinatory (at higher doses)." The hypnotic concoction has been compared to MDMA and can also have a Viagra-like effect on men due to its effects on the circulatory system. These qualities, combined with the flower's sweet scent and sacred place in Egyptian society, made blue water lilies a favorite staple of fertility rituals. The Turin Papyrus depicts the women in these celebrations of sexuality as wearing very little aside from lotus headdresses (which may have had its own Viagra-like effect). No wonder Odysseus got stuck on that island for so long.
Camel Dung Dildos
Rubber was first discovered in 1751. We first began using stainless steel in 1821. Silicone wasn't discovered until 1823. So what, right?
Well, our ancient ancestors had to use some sub-optimal materials when making their sex toys - not that that stopped them. While the queen may have had access to solid gold sex toys, your average Egyptian pervert had to make do with considerably less distinguished materials. Stone, wood, and bone had all been in use for thousands of years, however, it wasn't until the Persian or Ptolemaic period (so somewhere in the 500-300 BCE range) that camels came into widespread use throughout Egypt, bringing with them a fantastic new building material: their poop. Camel dung was molded into whatever shape and size a horny young Egyptian could want and coated with a resin that hardened the toys and kept them set firmly in place.
Crocodile Dung Diaphragms
Isn't dung fantastic? So many uses. Dildos. Building materials. Birth control.
Crocodile dung was used as the base for a number of popular mixtures that the Egyptians would form into pessaries intended for, ahem, internal use. The irony of the dung diaphragm is not just that you are putting inside of your body something that by its very nature is not supposed to be inside of bodies, but also it wasn't even effective. Certainly, the fact that the device acts as a barrier could be helpful to your cause - were it not for the fact that the alkalinity of the dung would neutralize the more acidic vagina, making it even more conducive to fertilization. Let's just say there are a number of reasons doctors aren't prescribing this one anymore.