What’s worse than basic bro movies? Basic bros incessantly quoting basic bro movies. For all the girls out there dating these brosefs, the world is terribly sorry for you. One of the most unfortunate aspects of dating basic bros is their taste in movies. Some of the movies bros make their girlfriends watch are painful to endure. The dumbest bro movies of all time are like slow-acting poison darts shot surreptitiously into your soul. Other films counted among the most basic bro movies ever are decent (some are comedy classics), but nevertheless fall into the bro movie canon. A lot of these cinematic excretions are filled with cheap gimmicks and amount to nothing more than one cliché after another.
A resonating theme in a lot of these movies is blaring homoeroticism. Bros who are obviously gay but won't admit it can’t seem to get enough of male-on-male contact buddy comedies, or action flicks with sweaty, shirtless muscle men. So, here's a list for you of the worst, most dumbass bro movies, and some of the more decent ones you can’t help but crack a smile at.
Reasons They Love This Movie: Old School has the most bro-ass cast ever. Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, Jeremy Piven, Luke "Poor Man's Owen" Wilson, Elisha Cuthbert, Leah Remini (basically a female bro), and Seann William Scott. Also: booze and stupidity galore, nostalgia for college, middle-aged bros behaving badly, slinky co-ed sexpots wrestling half nude in a kidde pool, and 1000 other frat bro clichés (including an actual frat, an old man, and an obese black guy for yucks).
What’s Redeemable About It: The bro-ass cast. Will Ferrell is hilarious. As much as you want to choke your boyfriend with a used tampon when he sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart," you can't help but laugh when Ferrell does it. Thanks to the cast, the movie shows surprising wit and weirdness. Problem is, you've seen this so many times you'd rather chomp a cyanide capsule than watch it again.
How Much It Makes You Want To Break Up With Them On A Scale Of 1 To 10: 3
Reasons They Love This Movie: It’s a classic action series featuring Sylvester Stallone, a living god in the eyes of bros. For the majority of the movie, Stallone is shirtless, covered in sweat, and wielding a machine gun and a phallic knife. What more need be said?
What’s Redeemable About It: What Stallone lacks in dialogue, he makes up for in his physical acting. The first edition of Rambo, First Blood (1982), isn’t terrible. The story doesn’t make too much sense, but if your boyfriend can get a hard on watching Stallone run around shirtless for an hour and a half, you can enjoy it, too. When you get to Rambo III, you need to start worrying about your sanity.
How Much It Makes You Want To Break Up With Them On A Scale Of 1 To 10: 9
Reasons They Love This Movie: “Very nice.” Borat is a movie bros love to quote to smithereens. It’s also full of homoeroticism, and they secretly love Sacha Baron Cohen in that neon-green thong mankini. And it pokes fun at bros, so your average basic bro can watch and pretend he's a far more sophisticated bro than those lampooned on screen.
What’s Redeemable About It: It’s a hilarious satire, which your boyfriend probably won’t understand. Also, that Sacha Baron Cohen hates bros in real life and probably hates your boyfriend may make you feel better about the movie.
How Much It Makes You Want To Break Up With Them On A Scale Of 1 To 10: 6
Reasons They Love This Movie: Top Gun's Iceman (Val Kilmer) gives bros a throbbing erection. They still think Maverick is a weenie. They also love to imagine feeling the power of a F-14 fighter jet between their legs. Oh, and “Highway to the Danger Zone.”
What’s Redeemable About It: Iceman will give you a throbbing lady erection.
How Much It Makes You Want To Break Up With Them On A Scale Of 1 To 10: 4