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Bernie Movie Quotes

Updated June 8, 2017 189 votes 76 voters 43.7k views9 items

'Bernie' movie quotes include some of the most memorable lines from this dark comedy, starring Jack Black, Shirley MacLaine and Matthew McConaughey. The film is based on the real-life story of Texas widow Marjorie Nugent and her companion, mortician Bernie Tiede. When Marjorie is murdered, authorities must figure out who killed her, and why. While the story doesn't exactly sound like a comedy, the dialogue is quite funny. See a favorite quote from 'Bernie' on the list? If so, vote for it! And, if you've seen 'Bernie' and you don't see what you think is the best line from the movie listed, definitely add it.

Director Richard Linklater ('Dazed and Confused,' 'Before Sunrise,' 'School of Rock') teams up once again with both Jack Black and Matthew McConaughey for 'Bernie.' The movie is definitely dark, but it's also hilarious, as Bernie Tiede goes to incredible lengths to conceal the fact that he's murdered his "friend," the super-rich Marjorie Nugent. McConaughey is the Carthage, Texas, DA who's determined to figure out what's going on, despite the fact that the town's residents are all rallying behind Bernie (they hated Marjorie).

Looking for more great movie quotes? Check out these lists for the best lines from 'The Five-Year Engagement,' 'The Three Stooges,' 'Damsels in Distress,' 'American Reunion,' '21 Jump Street,' 'Wanderlust,' 'The Sitter,' 'The Descendants,' 'Goon,' '30 Minutes or Less,' 'Young Adult,' 'Chronicle' and 'Mirror Mirror.'
  • 1

    Not Fond of Cremations

    Video: YouTube

    Bernie: "Can I tell you I am not fond of cremations. I just don't like the idea of someone spending eternity in something the size of a motel ice bucket."

    Bernie Tiede (Jack Black) is one of the most liked people in the small town of Carthage, Texas. He's funny, eccentric and the perfect person to be the town's mortician. He's also a pretty good salesman, as far as mortician's go...
    Should this be higher or lower?
  • 2

    Wheel of Misfortune

    Video: YouTube

    Danny Buck Davidson: "Let me show y'all something, you're gonna love this. I call this my 'Wheel of Misfortune.' What I've done is I've assigned numbers to all the suspected drug dealers around here and if your number comes up..." (spins the wheel) "Number eight, Danny Buck's coming to get you first. And not one of you dope pushers is gonna get away. Not one."

    Nobody gets past Danny Buck Davidson and his 'Wheel of Misfortune.' He's not kidding around -- when a dealer's number comes up, it's lights out, East Texas style.
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  • 3

    Goodness in There

    Mrs. Estes: "She used to tear up my toys. She pulled the heads off my dolls..."
    Bernie: "Well, there's some goodness in there too..."

    Marjorie Nugent (Shirley MacLaine) is a wealthy widow who is, at best, not the most pleasant people to be around (on a good day). Nearly everyone in town hates her, except for Bernie. He befriends her, and tries to explain away her bad deeds (which apparently date back to childhood).
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  • 4

    Angel of Death

    Photo: Wikimedia Commons / CC-BY

    Danny Buck Davidson: "Everybody's describing Bernie Tiede as an angel! He's an angel alright, and angel of death."

    When everyone else in town rallies around Bernie after his arrest, only District Attorney Danny Buck Davidson (Matthew McConaughey) dares to besmirch the mortician's good name. And besmirch he does, in a classic, East Texas way.
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