christmas movies The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
492 votes 83 voters 1.7k views 68 items Embed

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark and Cousin Eddie carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserve your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

1
21 2
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

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2
20 2
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

3
19 2
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

4
12 1
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

5
16 2
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis

6
16 3
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

7
14 2
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

8
15 3
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

9
18 6
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

10
14 3
Oh, no, that there is an RV. Cousin Eddie

11
12 3
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

12
10 2
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

13
12 4
Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks. Ruby Sue

14
12 4
Eat my road grit, Liver Lips! Clark Griswold

15
8 1
You checked our sh*tters, honey? Clark Griswold

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16
8 2
He's got another car. He can drive! I gotta EAT, so I can take my back pills. Art

17
9 3
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

18
7 2
You're goofy. Art

19
6 1
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

20
5 0
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

21
8 4
Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Clark Griswold

22
8 4
Is Rusty still in the Navy? Aunt Bethany

23
4 0
Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey. Uncle Lewis

24
7 4
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Rusty Griswold

25
7 4
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

26
6 3
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

27
6 3
it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

28
6 3
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

29
5 2
Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady. Cousin Eddie

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30
5 2
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold

31
4 1
The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Art

32
3 0
Is this the airport, Clark? Aunt Bethany

33
3 0
It's a funny, squeaky sound. Aunt Bethany

34
3 0
We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad? Audrey Griswold

35
3 0
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

36
3 0
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

37
5 3
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

38
5 3
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

39
2 0
Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter! Grandma Griswold

40
2 0
I don't want to spend the holidays DEAD! Ellen Griswold

41
2 0
Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting. Frank Shirley

42
2 0
I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place. Ruby Sue

43
2 0
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position. Ellen Griswold

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2 0
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

45
2 0
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

46
2 0
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold

47
2 0
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. Cousin Eddie

48
5 4
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold

49
4 3
Later dudes! Let 'er rip, hang ten! Clark Griswold

50
1 0
The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath. Clark Griswold