Christmas The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
13.7k votes 2.9k voters 150.2k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

list ordered by

1
663 122
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

2
595 119
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

3
472 86
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

4
447 79
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

5
399 68
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

6
478 94
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

7
433 91
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

8
336 74
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

9
329 72
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

10
250 49
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

11
263 62
It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

12
225 51
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

13
212 58
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

14
281 96
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

15
203 62
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

16
202 63
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

17
197 62
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

18
178 55
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

19
219 82
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis

20
153 44
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

21
147 42
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

22
174 60
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

23
147 52
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

24
123 37
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

25
126 43
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold