Christmas The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
14k votes 3k voters 153.5k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

list ordered by

1
681 125
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

2
611 121
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

3
456 80
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

4
483 90
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

5
489 94
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

6
405 70
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

7
442 93
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

8
341 76
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

9
333 76
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

10
257 50
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

11
266 65
It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

12
235 51
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

13
219 59
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

14
287 100
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

15
206 65
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

16
201 64
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

17
203 66
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

18
183 56
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

19
155 45
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

20
220 85
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis

21
178 61
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

22
148 44
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

23
126 39
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

24
148 55
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

25
134 47
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold