Christmas Movies The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
1.2k votes 255 voters 9.3k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark and Cousin Eddie carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserve your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

list ordered by

1
47 5
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

2
56 8
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

3
22 2
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

4
40 10
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

5
40 11
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

6
33 7
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

7
23 3
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

8
29 5
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

9
32 9
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

10
29 7
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

11
25 4
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

12
28 9
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis

13
25 7
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

14
24 8
Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks. Ruby Sue

15
20 5
it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

16
22 7
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

17
23 9
Oh, no, that there is an RV. Cousin Eddie

18
24 9
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

19
14 4
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

20
15 5
You checked our sh*tters, honey? Clark Griswold

21
12 4
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

22
12 4
Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady. Cousin Eddie

23
14 6
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

24
14 6
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Rusty Griswold

25
18 10
Eat my road grit, Liver Lips! Clark Griswold

26
10 3
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

27
10 3
It's a funny, squeaky sound. Aunt Bethany

28
7 1
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

29
7 1
Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey. Uncle Lewis

30
8 2
Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter! Grandma Griswold

31
11 5
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold

32
12 6
Is Rusty still in the Navy? Aunt Bethany

33
13 7
Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Clark Griswold

34
14 8
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

35
6 1
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

36
8 3
The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Art

37
6 1
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant! Uncle Lewis

38
13 9
He's got another car. He can drive! I gotta EAT, so I can take my back pills. Art

39
9 5
Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting. Frank Shirley

40
7 3
We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad? Audrey Griswold

41
6 2
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

42
6 2
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold

43
10 7
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold

44
8 5
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

45
5 2
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. Cousin Eddie

46
5 2
I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place. Ruby Sue

47
5 2
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position. Ellen Griswold

48
5 2
Is this the airport, Clark? Aunt Bethany

49
5 2
He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. Catherine

50
4 1
The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath. Clark Griswold