christmas The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
785 votes 180 voters 6.2k views 68 items Embed

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark and Cousin Eddie carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserve your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

1
44 6
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

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2
33 5
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

3
30 5
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

4
23 5
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

5
23 6
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

6
27 10
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

7
19 4
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

8
17 3
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

9
20 6
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis

10
21 7
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

11
17 5
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

12
13 2
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

13
15 4
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

14
17 7
Oh, no, that there is an RV. Cousin Eddie

15
17 7
Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks. Ruby Sue

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16
14 5
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

17
8 1
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

18
10 3
You checked our sh*tters, honey? Clark Griswold

19
11 4
He's got another car. He can drive! I gotta EAT, so I can take my back pills. Art

20
7 1
Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting. Frank Shirley

21
5 0
Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter! Grandma Griswold

22
7 2
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

23
9 4
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Rusty Griswold

24
9 4
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

25
13 9
Eat my road grit, Liver Lips! Clark Griswold

26
9 5
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

27
8 4
it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

28
7 3
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

29
9 6
Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Clark Griswold

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30
8 5
Is Rusty still in the Navy? Aunt Bethany

31
7 4
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

32
6 3
Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady. Cousin Eddie

33
5 2
It's a funny, squeaky sound. Aunt Bethany

34
4 1
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold

35
4 1
Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey. Uncle Lewis

36
7 5
You're goofy. Art

37
7 5
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold

38
6 4
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold

39
4 2
We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad? Audrey Griswold

40
4 2
The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Art

41
3 1
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

42
3 1
Is this the airport, Clark? Aunt Bethany

43
2 0
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

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44
5 4
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

45
2 1
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant! Uncle Lewis

46
2 1
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position. Ellen Griswold

47
2 1
I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place. Ruby Sue

48
2 1
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

49
2 1
I don't want to spend the holidays DEAD! Ellen Griswold

50
2 1
If this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right. Cousin Eddie