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The Funniest Lines From 'Christmas Vacation'

Updated December 27, 2019 30.3k votes 4.5k voters 225.3k views60 items

List RulesVote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

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  • 1
    1,299
    224

    Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full!

    Cousin Eddie
  • 2
    1,411
    251

    When Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse!

    Clark Griswold
  • 3
    1,029
    170

    Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye.

    Clark Griswold
  • 4
    1,032
    176

    Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

    Clark Griswold
  • 5
    983
    175

    Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

    Clark Griswold
  • 6
    878
    154

    Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my a**. Kiss his a**. Kiss your a**. Happy Hanukkah.

    Clark Griswold
  • 7
    913
    185

    Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

    Clark Griswold
  • 8
    614
    131

    Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

    Clark Griswold
  • 9
    707
    165

    Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 10
    700
    169

    Bend over and I'll show you.

    Clark Griswold
  • 11
    552
    122

    Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an a**hosle in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

    Clark Griswold
  • 12
    598
    152

    It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

    Clark Griswold
  • 13
    504
    154

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

    Uncle Lewis
  • 14
    578
    203

    And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd?

    Margo Chester
  • 15
    467
    155

    Save the neck for me, Clark.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 16
    377
    114

    I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 17
    426
    139

    She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 18
    438
    159

    Grace? She died 30 years ago!

    Aunt Bethany
  • 19
    405
    146

    If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 20
    332
    110

    Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are.

    Clark Griswold
  • 21
    429
    161

    I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

    Ellen Griswold
  • 22
    455
    178

    THE. BLESSSSSING.

    Uncle Lewis
  • 23
    319
    116

    It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room.

    Clark Griswold
  • 24
    353
    135

    Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap.

    Clark Griswold
  • 25
    333
    128

    I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping.

    Ellen Griswold