The Funniest Lines From 'Christmas Vacation'

List Rules
Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

  • 1

    Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full!

  • 2

    Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

  • 3

    Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my a**. Kiss his a**. Kiss your a**. Happy Hanukkah.

  • 4

    Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye.

  • 5

    Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

  • 6

    When Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse!

  • 7

    Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

  • 8

    Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

  • 9

    It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

  • 10

    Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an a**hosle in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

  • 11

    Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

  • 12

    Bend over and I'll show you.

  • 13

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

  • 14

    She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

  • 15

    Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are.

  • 16

    I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

  • 17

    If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice.

  • 18

    And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd?

  • 19

    Save the neck for me, Clark.

  • 20

    Grace? She died 30 years ago!

  • 21

    It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room.

  • 22

    I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

  • 23


  • 24

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant!

  • 25

    Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination.