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The Funniest Lines From 'Christmas Vacation'

List RulesVote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

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  • 1
    1,393
    223

    Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full!

    Cousin Eddie
  • 2
    1,457
    249

    When Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse!

    Clark Griswold
  • 3
    1,096
    179

    Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye.

    Clark Griswold
  • 4
    1,100
    180

    Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead?

    Clark Griswold
  • 5
    965
    155

    Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my a**. Kiss his a**. Kiss your a**. Happy Hanukkah.

    Clark Griswold
  • 6
    1,053
    177

    Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

    Clark Griswold
  • 7
    964
    192

    Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol?

    Clark Griswold
  • 8
    673
    140

    Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!!

    Clark Griswold
  • 9
    663
    144

    It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple?

    Clark Griswold
  • 10
    595
    132

    Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an a**hosle in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer.

    Clark Griswold
  • 11
    750
    175

    Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 12
    737
    175

    Bend over and I'll show you.

    Clark Griswold
  • 13
    543
    163

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant.

    Uncle Lewis
  • 14
    467
    145

    She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 15
    378
    116

    Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are.

    Clark Griswold
  • 16
    407
    128

    I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 17
    618
    203

    And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd?

    Margo Chester
  • 18
    454
    147

    If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 19
    497
    166

    Save the neck for me, Clark.

    Cousin Eddie
  • 20
    467
    162

    Grace? She died 30 years ago!

    Aunt Bethany
  • 21
    345
    119

    It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room.

    Clark Griswold
  • 22
    457
    162

    I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery.

    Ellen Griswold
  • 23
    475
    171

    THE. BLESSSSSING.

    Uncle Lewis
  • 24
    306
    110

    You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant!

    Uncle Lewis
  • 25
    307
    114

    I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place.

    Ruby Sue