Christmas

The Funniest Lines From 'Christmas Vacation'  

Amy Boal
15.6k votes 3.4k voters 184.1k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

list ordered by
1
When Santa squeezes his fat white a** down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of a**holes this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold
2
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold
3
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie
4
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold
5
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold
6
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my a**. Kiss his a**. Kiss your a**. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold
7
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold
8
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold
9
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie
10
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold
11
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an a**hosle in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold
12
It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold
13
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis
14
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold
15
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie
16
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester
17
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany
18
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie
19
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie
20
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold
21
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold
22
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie
23
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold
24
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis
25
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold