Christmas Movies The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
1k votes 236 voters 8.1k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark and Cousin Eddie carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserve your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

1
44 5
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

2
53 8
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

3
26 4
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

4
33 9
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

5
30 7
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

6
18 2
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

7
34 11
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

8
27 7
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

9
26 7
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis

10
20 3
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

11
21 4
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

12
27 9
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

13
22 7
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

14
23 8
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

15
19 6
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

16
21 8
Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks. Ruby Sue

17
21 8
Oh, no, that there is an RV. Cousin Eddie

18
14 4
You checked our sh*tters, honey? Clark Griswold

19
15 5
it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

20
10 2
It's a funny, squeaky sound. Aunt Bethany

21
13 5
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Rusty Griswold

22
8 1
Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter! Grandma Griswold

23
11 4
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

24
11 4
Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady. Cousin Eddie

25
17 10
Eat my road grit, Liver Lips! Clark Griswold

26
9 3
Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting. Frank Shirley

27
9 3
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

28
12 6
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

29
6 1
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold

30
12 7
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

31
6 1
Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey. Uncle Lewis

32
9 4
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

33
5 0
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

34
7 2
The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Art

35
12 8
He's got another car. He can drive! I gotta EAT, so I can take my back pills. Art

36
11 7
Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Clark Griswold

37
10 6
Is Rusty still in the Navy? Aunt Bethany

38
9 5
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold

39
6 2
We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad? Audrey Griswold

40
5 1
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

41
5 1
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

42
5 1
Is this the airport, Clark? Aunt Bethany

43
9 6
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold

44
4 1
He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. Catherine

45
4 1
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. Cousin Eddie

46
4 1
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position. Ellen Griswold

47
3 1
I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place. Ruby Sue

48
3 1
If this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right. Cousin Eddie

49
3 1
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant! Uncle Lewis

50
6 5
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie