Christmas The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
5.4k votes 1.2k voters 69.4k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

list ordered by

235 45
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

235 46
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

189 38
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

169 32
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

148 27
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

142 27
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

180 43
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

144 35
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

123 32
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

89 18
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

82 19
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

96 27
It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

123 43
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

81 20
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

80 23
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

66 16
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

86 29
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

77 24
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

90 35

56 16
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

53 15
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold

53 16
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

45 11
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

58 22
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

69 30
Oh, no, that there is an RV. Cousin Eddie

57 22
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

64 27
Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks. Ruby Sue

44 13
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant! Uncle Lewis

44 14
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold

50 20
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Rusty Griswold

38 13
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

39 14
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold

44 18
You checked our sh*tters, honey? Clark Griswold

35 14
Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey. Uncle Lewis

37 16
I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place. Ruby Sue

32 12
He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. Catherine

34 15
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. Cousin Eddie

30 12
If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player. Cousin Eddie

26 9
You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this ones got, Clark. Cousin Eddie

35 17
Is Rusty still in the Navy? Aunt Bethany

29 12
I'm gonna catch it in the coat... and smack it with the hammer. Clark Griswold

30 13
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position. Ellen Griswold

28 12
Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back? Cousin Eddie

35 18
The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Art

36 19
It's a funny, squeaky sound. Aunt Bethany

38 21
Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Clark Griswold

25 11
It was an ugly tree anyway. Art

27 13
The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath. Clark Griswold

44 28
Eat my road grit, Liver Lips! Clark Griswold

28 14
Is your house on fire, Clark? Aunt Bethany