holidays The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
939 votes 206 voters 7.1k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark and Cousin Eddie carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserve your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

50 7
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

41 5
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

15 1
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

32 7
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

28 5
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

22 3
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

32 10
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

26 6
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

24 7

20 4
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

18 3
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

25 9
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

20 6
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

21 7
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

The Best Christmas Movies of All Time

20 7
Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks. Ruby Sue

20 8
Oh, no, that there is an RV. Cousin Eddie

16 6
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

12 4
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Rusty Griswold

12 4
it is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

12 4
You checked our sh*tters, honey? Clark Griswold

17 9
Eat my road grit, Liver Lips! Clark Griswold

The Most Beautiful Women in the World

9 2
Get me somebody, anybody. And get me somebody while I'm waiting. Frank Shirley

9 2
It's a funny, squeaky sound. Aunt Bethany

9 3
Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady. Cousin Eddie

10 4
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

10 5
Is Rusty still in the Navy? Aunt Bethany

11 6
Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Clark Griswold

7 2
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

The Worst Christmas Movies

11 6
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

6 1
Your grandma's got a real painful bur on her heel. If you rub it for me, I'll give you a whole quarter! Grandma Griswold

11 6
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

11 7
He's got another car. He can drive! I gotta EAT, so I can take my back pills. Art

9 5
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold

8 4
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold

8 4
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

Celebrities Who Were Rich Before They Were Famous

6 2
The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Art

5 1
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold

5 1
Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey. Uncle Lewis

4 0
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

5 2
We're not driving all the way out here so you can get one of those stupid ties with the Santa Clauses on it, are we, Dad? Audrey Griswold

4 1
Is this the airport, Clark? Aunt Bethany

4 1
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

The Greatest Guilty Pleasure Christmas Movies

6 4
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

3 1
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position. Ellen Griswold

3 1
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

3 1
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. Cousin Eddie

7 6
You're goofy. Art

5 4
If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player. Cousin Eddie

2 1
Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back? Cousin Eddie

2 1
If this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right. Cousin Eddie