Christmas The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
13.3k votes 2.8k voters 147.4k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

list ordered by

1
652 119
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold

2
437 71
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold

3
582 117
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie

4
462 82
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold

5
470 91
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold

6
390 66
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold

7
423 89
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold

8
331 71
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie

9
319 72
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold

10
242 48
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold

11
254 62
It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold

12
220 51
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold

13
208 55
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis

14
273 95
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester

15
198 59
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany

16
198 60
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold

17
194 60
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie

18
213 78
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis

19
169 53
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie

20
150 42
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie

21
170 56
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie

22
140 41
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold

23
119 37
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold

24
121 39
Dad, you taught me everything I know about exterior illumination. Clark Griswold

25
140 52
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold

26
124 44
It's not going in our yard, Russ. It's going in our living room. Clark Griswold

27
126 46
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold

28
124 54
Oh, woo. Look at the time. I gotta get to bed. I still gotta brush my teeth, feed the hog, still got some homework to do, still got those bills to pay, wash the car... Rusty Griswold

29
102 40
Our father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. And forgive my husband, for he knows not what he does.

30
96 37
He read that squirrels were high in cholesterol. Catherine

31
125 59
Sorry, sh*ttin' rocks. Ruby Sue

32
100 43
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving though a nitroglycerin plant! Uncle Lewis

33
96 41
I love it here. You don't gotta put on your coat to go to the bathroom and your house is always parked in the same place. Ruby Sue

34
86 34
I'm gonna catch it in the coat... and smack it with the hammer. Clark Griswold

35
126 66
Oh, no, that there is an RV. Cousin Eddie

36
84 37
Catherine says he's been holding out for a management position. Ellen Griswold

37
75 31
The most enduring traditions of the season are best enjoyed in the warm embrace of kith and kin. Thith tree is a thymbol of the thspirit of the Grithwold family Chrithmath. Clark Griswold

38
79 35
Oh, he's just yakkin' on a bone. Cousin Eddie

39
89 44
You checked our sh*tters, honey? Clark Griswold

40
75 35
Hey Gris, you're not doing anything constructive. Run into the living room and get my stogey. Uncle Lewis

41
83 42
Let's burn some dust here. Eat my rubber. Clark Griswold

42
74 35
Last season he was a pixie dust speaker on the Tilt-A-Whirl. He thinks that next year he'll be guessing people's weight or barkin’ for the yak lady. Cousin Eddie

43
69 31
Clark, I'd like to try to fumigate this here chair, it's a good quality item. If you don't mind my askin', how much did she set you back? Cousin Eddie

44
68 31
You ain't never seen a set on a dog like this ones got, Clark. Cousin Eddie

45
79 41
Is Rusty still in the Navy? Aunt Bethany

46
72 36
Is your house on fire, Clark? Aunt Bethany

47
59 28
If this gets dented then my hair just ain't gonna look right. Cousin Eddie

48
70 41
It's a funny, squeaky sound. Aunt Bethany

49
62 35
If only I had that money Catherine and I gave to that TV preacher who was screwin' that hockey player. Cousin Eddie

50
66 41
The little lights... they aren't twinkling. Art