Holidays The Funniest Lines From Christmas Vacation  

Amy Boal
14.3k votes 3k voters 157.1k views 68 items

List Rules Vote up the best single lines from this incredible, classic, dare we say "iconic," example of fine American filmmaking.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is quite possibly the best Christmas movie of all time. Sure, there are other classics, but few have the distinction of being such an incredibly quotable film. Rich with turns of phrase about "the sh*tter," Tylenol, dump trucks, and other holiday merriment, Christmas Vacation is John Hughes, screenwriter for the ages, at his finest.

What are the best lines in Christmas Vacation? How does a fan even decide? Sure, Clark (Chevy Chase) and Cousin Eddie (Randy Quaid) carry the film, but maybe you feel a strong affinity for Aunt Bethany and Uncle Lewis, or even find yourself partial to the select few zingers thrown about by Juliette Lewis as over-it teen Audrey Griswold. The good news is there are no wrong answers, and all funny Christmas Vacation quotes are deserving of your votes.

Why is the carpet all wet? Is Rusty still in the Navy? Have you saved the neck for Eddie? Help rank the funniest quotes from Christmas Vacation below by voting up the lines you repeat to patient friends and family members all year long.

Happy Hanukkah.

list ordered by
1
693 127
When Santa squeezes his fat white ass down that chimney tonight, he's gonna find the jolliest bunch of assh*les this side of the nuthouse! Clark Griswold
2
622 124
Merry Christmas. Sh*tter was full! Cousin Eddie
3
468 82
Can I refill your eggnog for you? Get you something to eat? Drive you out to the middle of nowhere and leave you for dead? Clark Griswold
4
491 91
Surprised, Eddie?... If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now. Clark Griswold
5
495 94
Where do you think you're going? Nobody's leaving. Nobody's walking out on this fun, old-fashioned family Christmas. No, no! We're all in this together. This is a full-blown, four-alarm holiday emergency here. We're gonna press on, and we're gonna have the hap, hap, happiest Christmas since Bing Crosby tap-danced with Danny f*cking Kaye. Clark Griswold
6
411 71
Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Hanukkah. Clark Griswold
7
451 94
Hallelujah! Holy sh*t! Where's the Tylenol? Clark Griswold
8
345 76
Every time Catherine revved up the microwave, I'd piss my pants and forget who I was for about half an hour or so. Cousin Eddie
9
336 77
Bend over and I'll show you. Clark Griswold
10
261 51
Worse?! How could things get any worse? Take a look around you, Ellen! We're at the threshold of hell!! Clark Griswold
11
240 51
Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn; the clean, cool chill of the holiday air; and an assh*le in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer. Clark Griswold
12
270 66
It is a bit nipply out. I mean nippy. What am I saying, nipple? Clark Griswold
13
223 61
You couldn't hear a dump truck driving through a nitroglycerin plant. Uncle Lewis
14
292 100
And why is the carpet all wet, Todddddddd? Margo Chester
15
209 65
I don't know what to say, except it's Christmas and we're all in misery. Ellen Griswold
16
204 65
Save the neck for me, Clark. Cousin Eddie
17
187 57
She falls down a well, her eyes go cross. She gets kicked by a mule. They go back. I don't know. Cousin Eddie
18
204 67
Grace? She died 30 years ago! Aunt Bethany
19
159 45
I don't know if I should go sailin' down no hill with nothing between the ground and my brains but a piece of government plastic. Cousin Eddie
20
154 44
Lotta sap in here! Mmmm... Looks great! Little full, lotta sap. Clark Griswold
21
221 87
THE. BLESSSSSING. Uncle Lewis
22
179 64
If it isn't too much I'd like to get somethin' for you Clark, somethin'... real nice. Cousin Eddie
23
128 39
Wouldn't be the holiday shopping season if the stores weren't hooter than they—hotter than they are. Clark Griswold
24
149 56
Can't see the line, can you, Russ? Clark Griswold
25
136 49
I'm sorry. This is our family's first kidnapping. Ellen Griswold