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The Best Groundskeeper Willie Quotes From 'The Simpsons'

Updated July 11, 2019 4.3k votes 504 voters 20.7k views29 items

Groundskeeper Willie is one of the strangest and funniest characters on The Simpsons. He lives in a shack on school grounds, is ridiculously ripped like a professional bodybuilder, and speaks in a thick Scottish accent, which has helped define some amazing quotes on the show.

From classic funny lines showcasing his poor lot in life like "Ah only took this refereein' job 'cause ah was cold and they gave me this shirt" to quotes that indicate just how violent he is like "You strays are going straight to the pound where you'll be put to sleep... by my boring stories. And then you'll be killed," let's take a look at the greatest Groundskeeper Willie quotes in Simpsons history, ranked by your votes. 

Whatever your favorite Groundskeeper Willie quotes are, vote them up on the list below so they will climb closer to the top.

  • 1


    Groundskeeper Willie: Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots. Or Welshmen and Scots. Or Japanese and Scots. Or Scots and other Scots. Damn Scots they ruined Scotland!

    Principle: These Scots sure are a contensious people.

    Groundskeeper Willie: You just made an enemy for life!


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  • 2

    I Know It's On

    Groundskeeper Willie: If elected mayor, my first act will be to kill the lot of ya, and burn yer town to cinders!
    (man whispers into Willie's ear.) I know it's on!


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  • 3

    Willie Be Willie

    Groundskeeper Willie: I'll bring those kids back dead or alive!

    Skinner: Not dead!

    Groundskeeper Willie: Ah, you never let Willie be Willie!


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  • 4

    The Sinning

    Groundskeeper Willie: (thinking) No, no. Go easy on the wee one.His father's gonna go crazy and chop them all into haggis.

    Bart: What's haggis?

    Groundskeeper Willie: Boy! You read my thoughts! You;ve got the shinning!

    Bart: Don't you mean shining?

    Groundskeeper Willie: Shhh! You want to get sued?


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